Help with our friend and her misbehaving kids

[janefitz220]

Hi there, this is my first post so hopefully it is in the right place!

We have recently started socialising with our sons (6) best friends parents. They are a nice couple but they have some underlying issues which are making it very stressful experience seeing them:

Father
Rarely at home, very relaxed and does little or no discliplining of his children

Mother
Seems to have stopped looking after her children in terms of manners, behaviour etc. Very bossy with us and have absolutely no sympathy for other peoples concerns.

Children
Son (6) - constantly looking for attention, tells tales on our son and is excessively bossy
Daughter (2) - does what she likes, crawls over glass tables, poor drinks over herself and others and constantly pesters my partner and me during meals (with no come back from her parents)

I realise this doesnt make them sound like fun but they are!

My issue is, how do I approach her? When her children are misbehaving she ignores them but when our son and her son are doing very little she tells them both off. She seems to have either stopped caring or is scared of telling her children off.

What is the best tactic to use? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Jane

[alexplusone]

I completely agree with specialmom, don't bring it up to her.  When I have a family like this in my home and it is obvious the parents are not going to be disciplining their children or guiding them to behave properly, I do it myself.  I tell the children, for behaving that way in this house this is the consequence, and your mother/father is going to carry out x  consequence if you do that again.  It has worked for me.  When the parents are not in the home with the kids, specialmom hit it right on the head; you guide them yourself to the behavior that is acceptable.  Good luck to you (:

[specialmom]

Hi.  I feel super dee duper strongly about this.  You DON"T approach her.  You are social friends that met through the budding friendship of your children.  Not appropriate to critique her parenting and will be a disaster.  She will most likley end the friendship and that means that your son and her son will have difficulty getting together.

People are very defensive about their families.  And frankly, every family has the right to make mistakes with their kids and each other.  If they ASK you for advice or come to you with a concern, by all means-------------  let it rip.  But otherwise, it is not appropriate to tell someone what you feel they are doing wrong as a parent.  

Hey, I have advanced degrees in psychology and a successful career behind me.  I could very easily pick apart what my friends do and let them know about it.  I resist the urge.  I'm there if they ask or make a minor suggestion if something comes up while I'm there. But---------  I would never sit down a new, social friend and try to set them straight.  It wouldn't be the right thing to do.

So, maybe spend less time with them as a couple.  My son is almost 6 and my other is 7.  We have a lot of play dates with the KIDS minus the other parents.  I'll call and say, "hey, we're going to a park today.  I'd be happy to pick up X and take him with us."  Or " Can X come over after school today, I'll bring him home before dinner or you can get him".  Then when the child is at your house, you are in control.  if he tattles "honey.  let's not tattle on each other today."  And give it the lack of attention it deserves.  Or whatever else that he does that you feel is wrong.  Just kindly work on it at your house.  My son has a buddy that has horrible social skills.  My son loves the kid.  (he drives me nuts).  So we have him to our house and I am a little more involved in the playdate than I always have to be.  This little boy is quite bossy and doesn't let my sons have any say in what they are playing.  Then my boys get frustrated.  So, I help negotiate things------- "today, we are going to take turns deciding what to do and when it is your turn then that person gets to be the leader of the game."  So, then that child is learning proper play date social ettiquate and everyone is having a good time and no one is getting their feelings hurt (as in his parents that have allowed him to be the way he is).  Win win.  

So, like I tell my kids---------- it is okay to think it but you just can't say it.  And when we are trying to critique someone else's parenting-------  we can look like a know it all and then they critique us and tell us what is wrong with our kids and parenting.  And as no kid or adult is perfect---------  everyone could have a lot to say about each other.  Not worth it.  
good luck.  

Oh, and you could try this-----------  you could tell her you learned about this new parenting program called "love and logic" (I love that one).  And just start talking about how it has helped you.  Don't apply it to her at all----------  just talk about what you learned from it. So she is hearing the message without feeling like you are telling her she is doing something wrong.  

[grannienannie]

tell her that you love her company and her kids..but you dont like the way they act towards her..tell her if she dont correct them now while their young they will get out of hand and they will lose total respect of her if a situation arises..that way your not saying that her kids are bad just rude to her..