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[Jewels1982]

Should I be concerned about my 3 year old grand-daughter crying when it is time for her to go home? She lives with her father and his girlfriend. The childs mother, my daughter, lost custody of the child. Long story.I can't help but think that something could be wrong in the household.

[specialmom]

Oh, my kids don't want to leave either Amanda-----  that doesn't concern me as much as if I haven't been with my kids for a period of time, at that age they were happy to see me.  I worry about this child due to possibly things that have happened in the past and emotional trauma.  

I wouldn't jump to abuse either at this point.

When my boy was almost two and I had an infant, I would occasionally have over a college student that was the sister of a girl my friend had babysit.  That means i didn't know her very well but she came recommended to me by a friend.  She came a few times and she'd only stay with my older son and I'd take the baby and leave for a bit.  Well, after 2 or 3 visits, she'd walk in and my son would cling to me crying a little.  It was odd because he was a bubbly little guy.  I stayed home one time and stayed upstairs.  That girl was really nasty to my son.  She used nasty tones of voice and wanted him to sit still (yeah right).  I gave it about 15 minutes of listening before I came down and said "time to go!  NOW!" and she never came back.  

So, I am cautious about childrens reactions if they are outside the norm.  I don't know if grandma pays  more attention to him, if new girlfriend uses a mean voice, if dad is impatient.  None are abuse but to a child that has stability issues, you'll get a reaction to them.  So that is what I don't know----  if the child is indeed trying to convey a message, reacting to emotional trauma and scars she has OR if it is perfectly normal.  

So, my first question is-----  what does she do when they first arrive and she sees them.  

[adgal]

I guess my child is just unusual, because lots of times he is at places he doesn't want to leave..playgrounds, etc.  I just always worry a bit when we leap toward possible abuse.  If you are truly concerned that something might be going on, I would take her to a therapist. They know how to properly question a child without making any suggestions.  That's a really tough thing to do when we love them and are close to them.  But that might be the only way to really get answers.

I guess the difference is...does she fight going with them, or is just not really wanting to leave yet?  There is a big difference I think.

[specialmom]

Oh, and going back to the stability factor, their may be a natural familiarity to you as her mom's mom.  

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, I worry about this just a tiny bit because typically 3 year olds ARE excited to see their primary caregivers.  Eyes light up, they run to them.  Does she act at all happy to see them when they arrive?  I think if this little child has had instability in her life---------  mom losing custody which is rare and would indicate something had happened (neglect? abuse? something usually happens for a mother to LOSE custody) and she then goes to dads that has a girlfriend, etc.  She may be seeking a stable atmosphere and your house may represent that.  This may not mean they are doing anything bad to her but that she is relating to you in a way that makes her feel safe.  I don't know------  but something like that very well could be going on with the extra circumstances in her life.  

So, does she seem happy to see them when they arrive?

[margypops]

If it were me I would want to check it out it may be possible to ask how they get on,does the child speak well of the GF has she any children living there aswell ?  

[adgal]

Not necessarily.  She may just be having fun and isn't ready to end her visit yet.  My 2 year old sometimes wants to stay and play at daycare when I go to get him, other times he dives into my arms ready to go. It has nothing to do with his home life, he is just having fun.  Of course, the possibility is there that something is wrong.  Has she said anything specific, or does she just want to stay with Grandma?