Male role model issues

[Trialanderror]

When my son was just 9 months old, his dad and I separated. We never managed to live peacefully under one roof and his dad seemed very withdrawn from the beginning. However, we agreed he should remain in the picture as the father - and father figure, for good. My son had always been a tiny bit frightened of his dad, for no reason, as an infant, toddler, preschooler. So even now at age six he still has not developed any relaxed bond with his dad. Both of us parents are at the point to just let it go and not force the bond anymore since it doesn`t come easy.

The latest by age six and beyond is so important for a boy to have a father or at least a male role model. I hate to see my son surrounded by myself plus female teachers only and the grandma once a full moon. I cover some of the male domains myself through my job - but nothing replaces a dad.

Long story - now here are my questions:
- Do you think it is all just a phase and a child should be forced to see the other parent?
- Would it destroy the shaky bond my son has with his dad if we open the door for other male role models through the Big Brother program for example or through Martial Arts classes?
- Is age six really the turning point when boys either bond with their dads or give up on them as I was told?
I am just worried that I am setting my son up for future failure in a man`s world if I don`t make the right moves now.
Thanks for listening. Maybe some of you have more experience with the psychological issues, even if you are not single parents.

[SeriousSam]

With my son, a lawyer and a detective to find him and hope he hasn't been molested by the time he is found.  Actually in this case a real risk.

I am actually speaking from experience in a difficult divorce with my daughters.

[Trialanderror]

Good questions, Sam.
- Nope, we live about 30 minutes apart, daycare is close to my home but 40 min from my work place.
- Yes, on his birthday we all manage to get together and occasionally around Christmas. Makes our son super-happy!
- Best scenario: every 2 weeks for two days and a night. Worst: once a month. I`d prefer once a week but dad doesn`t take the opportunity. As a compromise I was aiming for him to at least call our son every other week, but it is not happening and I`m not his boss.

I take it that you are wisely trying to find a solution for us to let our son experience mom and dad together once in a while. It would be the perfect world but there seem to be road blocks on dad`s side. He has spent a week vacation with him this summer but especially since that time my son is super-clingy. I am curious how you manage to keep the momentum with your son, I am trying to understand a dad`s thoughts and feelings and approach through you sometimes. You don`t have to lay it all out in public but I know one thing: new moms and dads need to learn a lot from each other to get out of those trenches.

Thanks for your feedback.

[SeriousSam]

Do you live close enough where he can pick your mutual son up from daycare together?

Can b-day parties include both set of families?  How often are his dads opportunities to "visit"?

[Trialanderror]

Thanks so much for your thoughts!
Margypops, my son is indeed happy that he knows how and where his dad lives. I can not imagine he would have to tell his classmates he didn`t have a dad. So in comparison it is all good.

RockRose, funny that you mention this aspect of being more warm and affectionate. That`s exactly what I asked him to be more this weekend and he made a huge effort. Sometimes my son calls his dad or draws pictures for him but doesn`t receive much of a response. So he feels irritated when he just gets plucked out of his regular environment once in a while, or in theory every two weeks, to be at his dad`s house. He is so irritated that he cries fountains of tears when he gets picked up, daycares have sometimes called me to verify that this is indeed his dad trying to pick him up. It is awful. And I thought he just had problems with the transition for a short while - but apparently he cries most of the weekend, no matter how accommodating and caring his other part of the family is. My son tells me that whatever they do, he just wishes I could be there. It is all those tears that made me wonder if we should continue to force the bond...we will anyway but boy, it doesn`t come easy. Once a mama`s boy always a mama`s boy I wonder...

Is a boy a mama`s boy when he still prefers me to join all the games and activities he does with his friends at age 6? When he draws me instead of Batman when the whole class draws pictures of their heroes? Maybe once he can let go of me, he will magically turn to his dad. We`ll see. Thanks for all your level-headed advice.

[RockRose]

Trial - is there some way you can convince his dad to be more warm with him?  I don't mean all mushy because guys aren't like that,  but affectionate and caring?

Boys who have dads who clearly like them (not just love them) have such an advantage over other boys.  It isn't just the presence of the dad in the home that makes the difference,  it's the adult male who likes and enjoys and respects the boy that makes a big difference in how the boy feels about himself in general.

This goes well on into manhood,  having or missing a loving father.

Best wishes.

[margypops]

Great thread . will think of some input soon , all I know children are happier being a part of their Dads life however it is worked out, he was born with 2 parents he should always have them.

[Trialanderror]

Post more - interesting subject. I`m off to work. Thanks.

[SeriousSam]

Actually it goes deeper than shadows.  At younger ages kids identify their parents by smell.  lol
I'll post more later?

[Trialanderror]

I was slower than your second comment.
He is an only child (with me) but has one younger half-brother and another baby to come in his dad`s new family.

[Trialanderror]

Thanks, Sam. You have a great point there that the cooperation of the parents will be a valuable lesson and model for our son. We have been trying to act like civilized adults so far, probably we can overcome the next hurdle as well.
I wish we would do field trips or martial arts together but his dad has a new family, thus all activities happen separately. His activities cover watching TV, shopping and gardening, mine with our son cover skating, swimming, homework, hiking, bike rides, dentist visits, hair cuts, all the fun stuff...plus dragging him along to kick-boxing. So the little guy doesn`t really witness cooperation, but at least we are not bad-mouthing each other.
The influence of dads starting shortly after birth is very true as well. Even if a dad is totally uninvolved, an infant gets used to "that shadow" on the couch with the male voice.... If the mother is breastfeeding and taking care of all the nurturing aspects,  creation of trust and attachment, the male role is initially not so much in the spot light for the infant. But it is very much so after they learn to socialize. If there have been gaps in the presence of the father, the child has a much harder time to easily switch between authority figures.

Sorry for rambling. Suddenly it is all clear. A dad is a dad is a dad. And a martial arts Sifu is an add-on. Thank you.

[SeriousSam]

How many brothers and sisters does he have?

[SeriousSam]

- Do you think it is all just a phase and a child should be forced to see the other parent? Yes, and he should see both parents as equally as possible and if you can get along long enough occassional field trips to show that you both love him even if you don't get along together.  Hopefully this way he never feels he has to choose.


- Would it destroy the shaky bond my son has with his dad if we open the door for other male role models through the Big Brother program for example or through Martial Arts classes?

Again martial arts classes are not a bad idea.  Will dad take them with him?  perhaps mom too?

- Is age six really the turning point when boys either bond with their dads or give up on them as I was told?

No, and actually the ages of influence they are beginning to think starts shortly after birth.

I am just worried that I am setting my son up for future failure in a man`s world if I don`t make the right moves now.
I would say that seeing you two cooperate will help him have a more stable concept of what adults are supposed to act like, and keeping his dad about will teach him (both?) about male resonsibility.

I have some more thoughts but I'll wait for the normal crew to tear these ones up first.

Thanks for listening. Maybe some of you have more experience with the psychological issues, even if you are not single parents.