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Messy Child
I'm a single Dad with an 8 year old daughter who lives with me. All the other kids are now grown and out of the house, so it's just my daughter and myself.
My problem is the constant messes she makes and refuses to clean up all over the house. I've tried all I know but this continues to be a MAJOR problem. She couldn't care less about the disasters she creates. What can I do????
My problem is the constant messes she makes and refuses to clean up all over the house. I've tried all I know but this continues to be a MAJOR problem. She couldn't care less about the disasters she creates. What can I do????
jemma, it takes all kinds of people to make the world go around. One of my three boys was "messy" and it didn't ruin my health. At all.
One of my three was very good at organizing things, and although his room was FULL of stuff, it looked very clean and orderly and interesting.
Not everyone is upset by lack of orderliness. It certainly doesn't have to ruin your health. Or anyway, in my case, it didn't.
If you have difficulty correcting a child's behavior, it DOES matter "why" they are doing what they are doing. A child who has a history of instability will hoard food. A child who is picked on and is small will bite. A child who throws tantrums before dinner is likely too hungry and a small snack can ward that behavior off.
As Ann Richards said, I don't want to die and have "She sure kept a clean house" written on my tombstone. Some things need to be let go.
One of my three was very good at organizing things, and although his room was FULL of stuff, it looked very clean and orderly and interesting.
Not everyone is upset by lack of orderliness. It certainly doesn't have to ruin your health. Or anyway, in my case, it didn't.
If you have difficulty correcting a child's behavior, it DOES matter "why" they are doing what they are doing. A child who has a history of instability will hoard food. A child who is picked on and is small will bite. A child who throws tantrums before dinner is likely too hungry and a small snack can ward that behavior off.
As Ann Richards said, I don't want to die and have "She sure kept a clean house" written on my tombstone. Some things need to be let go.
I'm thinking about the big picture here.
Why do you think she's doing this? Is it to make the house feel more "lived in"? Is she feeling lonely with just the two of you so she's trying to create a feel of a busier house?
I'm also trying to think about what horrible "messes" she might be making. For example, is she cooking and creating things in the kitchen? Is she dragging out sheets and towels making forts? In my experience, one supervised child doesn't really make God-awful messes unintentionally.
Why do you think she's doing this? Is it to make the house feel more "lived in"? Is she feeling lonely with just the two of you so she's trying to create a feel of a busier house?
I'm also trying to think about what horrible "messes" she might be making. For example, is she cooking and creating things in the kitchen? Is she dragging out sheets and towels making forts? In my experience, one supervised child doesn't really make God-awful messes unintentionally.
Some very good tips for you there from specialmom.
You need to be very firm and stick to what you say.
If you eat watching the TV, then stop doing that. Sit at the dining table, eat together and then clear up together. Kids like getting their hands wet and she may just like washing up. If you have a dishwasher get her to help you load it, and switch the machine on.
When you load the washing machine, get her to help to load the clothes into the machine (if you have a front loader) and show her where the detergents go and let her switch the machine on.
With regard to tidying away her toys, only allow one item to be played at a time with and put your foot down that this needs to be put away before another game is pulled out to be used.
If there is a very big mess, that will be very overwhelming for her, even though she has created it. Offer to help her to tidy up and make it a game of who picks up the most is the winner. Then you go slow so that she does most of the tidying up. Usually works.
Make rules that any dirty clothes that she takes off at night time are to be put into the laundry basket once she has her pyjamas on. Some people have a laundry basket on the landing of the house near to the bedroom, others will have a small basket to put dirty clothes in in the child's bedroom. Personally I encourage my grandchildren (and my children when they were young) was to put their dirty clothes into the laundry basket that is next to my washing machine.
If her clothes are clean enough to wear the next day, encourage her to fold each item of clothing and put it neatly on a chair or dress so that nothing is thrown on the floor.
Of course, if you are a messy person, she will follow your example.
If she has sweets and has a habit of throwing the wrappers on the floor, be firm by telling her to pick it up. If she refuses, tell her that if it is not done by the count of 3 (or whatever) then she will forfeit this or that. Now you have to be very firm with this, because young children and especially girls of her age are very good "negotiators". You have to be firm and stick to what you say. If you falter for one moment she has you eating out of the palm of her hand. Even at her age, she will know how to manipulate you. Kids are very crafty at finding your soft spot.
If she can read and write, you can do a chart board where she earns gold stars for things that are done and so many stars will mean a reward of whatever you decide like go to the park, go swimming, or watch a favourite children's TV programme.
You must also be very firm with regard to sleep time. I trust that she has a set time that she needs to be tucked in bed, if not then you do also need to get a good routine with regard to that too. If she insists that she is watching a TV programme and wants to watch it to the end, just switch the TV off and take her by the hand if you have to, to take her to her room to get ready for bed, get her teeth brushed, have a shower or bath, read a night time story.
Children love to listen to stories at bedtime. Get her to choose a book so that you can read it to her. Don't be surprised if she asks for another book to be read, but be firm and say "No, it is now time for sleep, I will read to you again tomorrow."
If you have not been very strict and firm it will be very hard for you to begin with, but you must persevere
I have a granddaughter who is 8 (well 8 going on 17), and she will go into strops and put on the tears and so on if she doesn't get her way. We do not give in and she will eventually settle down. If you do give in, you are making a rod for your own back and as she grows older and gets into the teenage years it will be much harder.
When you give her a command, make sure that you use an authorative voice and use the words "please" and "thank you" and look at her, so that she knows you mean business.
Never deny love and affection, but be firm with your commands.
We are here for you if you need any more support or helpful tips.
Best of luck
You need to be very firm and stick to what you say.
If you eat watching the TV, then stop doing that. Sit at the dining table, eat together and then clear up together. Kids like getting their hands wet and she may just like washing up. If you have a dishwasher get her to help you load it, and switch the machine on.
When you load the washing machine, get her to help to load the clothes into the machine (if you have a front loader) and show her where the detergents go and let her switch the machine on.
With regard to tidying away her toys, only allow one item to be played at a time with and put your foot down that this needs to be put away before another game is pulled out to be used.
If there is a very big mess, that will be very overwhelming for her, even though she has created it. Offer to help her to tidy up and make it a game of who picks up the most is the winner. Then you go slow so that she does most of the tidying up. Usually works.
Make rules that any dirty clothes that she takes off at night time are to be put into the laundry basket once she has her pyjamas on. Some people have a laundry basket on the landing of the house near to the bedroom, others will have a small basket to put dirty clothes in in the child's bedroom. Personally I encourage my grandchildren (and my children when they were young) was to put their dirty clothes into the laundry basket that is next to my washing machine.
If her clothes are clean enough to wear the next day, encourage her to fold each item of clothing and put it neatly on a chair or dress so that nothing is thrown on the floor.
Of course, if you are a messy person, she will follow your example.
If she has sweets and has a habit of throwing the wrappers on the floor, be firm by telling her to pick it up. If she refuses, tell her that if it is not done by the count of 3 (or whatever) then she will forfeit this or that. Now you have to be very firm with this, because young children and especially girls of her age are very good "negotiators". You have to be firm and stick to what you say. If you falter for one moment she has you eating out of the palm of her hand. Even at her age, she will know how to manipulate you. Kids are very crafty at finding your soft spot.
If she can read and write, you can do a chart board where she earns gold stars for things that are done and so many stars will mean a reward of whatever you decide like go to the park, go swimming, or watch a favourite children's TV programme.
You must also be very firm with regard to sleep time. I trust that she has a set time that she needs to be tucked in bed, if not then you do also need to get a good routine with regard to that too. If she insists that she is watching a TV programme and wants to watch it to the end, just switch the TV off and take her by the hand if you have to, to take her to her room to get ready for bed, get her teeth brushed, have a shower or bath, read a night time story.
Children love to listen to stories at bedtime. Get her to choose a book so that you can read it to her. Don't be surprised if she asks for another book to be read, but be firm and say "No, it is now time for sleep, I will read to you again tomorrow."
If you have not been very strict and firm it will be very hard for you to begin with, but you must persevere
I have a granddaughter who is 8 (well 8 going on 17), and she will go into strops and put on the tears and so on if she doesn't get her way. We do not give in and she will eventually settle down. If you do give in, you are making a rod for your own back and as she grows older and gets into the teenage years it will be much harder.
When you give her a command, make sure that you use an authorative voice and use the words "please" and "thank you" and look at her, so that she knows you mean business.
Never deny love and affection, but be firm with your commands.
We are here for you if you need any more support or helpful tips.
Best of luck
Hi there. Well, that IS frustrating. I would allow her to keep her rom as she wishes as long as there is no food or anything like that. So, if she has a mess there, it is her space. But the rest of your place, she needs to be respectful. I would start by sitting down with her and explaining WHY we clean up. Part of why is so that she is taking care of her toys and they don't get broken. The other part is that it is not fair to you to have a mess at all times I your home.
Then go into the boundaries. She can play but must clean up right after? Play and clean up at the end of the day? (whatever you think is best . . . my sons build amazing contraptions that I let them leave out for a bit and then they have to clean it up later but lots of things they must clean up when done).
Then if she does not clean up, choose your consequence--- you may take all the toys she didn't clean up and they disappear (pretty affective). You can take them away temporarily the first time and then permanently the next. While this is painful to do because of the cost of it and effort it takes, it really doesn't take more than one time of getting rid of toys left out for kids to be motivated to put their thins away. If you take the toys, you could add to the consequence that she has to do X,Y and Z chores to earn them back.
Another good consequence here is that if she doesn't clean them up and you do, it costs her X. Then you choose something of value to her.
My kids love both their extracurricular activities and paly dates. They know that if they don't follow my boundary, that these things are removed. Mom and dad are the keeper and giver of all things FUN in their life and they really have to play by our rules in order to have those things.
I don't have to yell, I don't have to get mad. I just hold firmly to my boundary and use the consequence to pack a powerful bit of motivation to do as I ask.
Great book to read is Love and Logic by Dr. (PH.D) Charles Fey and Dr. (MD) Foster Cline which you can find at your local library. I love their strategies and the above is my version of that. Has worked really well on my sons now age 9 and 10 with one being inclined to produce a mess as your daughter.
One thing that makes clean up fun is to put on music and you kind of help a little. We are all dancing around putting things away together and it feels less of a chore. We had a sleep over this weekend and did this the next morning.
Then go into the boundaries. She can play but must clean up right after? Play and clean up at the end of the day? (whatever you think is best . . . my sons build amazing contraptions that I let them leave out for a bit and then they have to clean it up later but lots of things they must clean up when done).
Then if she does not clean up, choose your consequence--- you may take all the toys she didn't clean up and they disappear (pretty affective). You can take them away temporarily the first time and then permanently the next. While this is painful to do because of the cost of it and effort it takes, it really doesn't take more than one time of getting rid of toys left out for kids to be motivated to put their thins away. If you take the toys, you could add to the consequence that she has to do X,Y and Z chores to earn them back.
Another good consequence here is that if she doesn't clean them up and you do, it costs her X. Then you choose something of value to her.
My kids love both their extracurricular activities and paly dates. They know that if they don't follow my boundary, that these things are removed. Mom and dad are the keeper and giver of all things FUN in their life and they really have to play by our rules in order to have those things.
I don't have to yell, I don't have to get mad. I just hold firmly to my boundary and use the consequence to pack a powerful bit of motivation to do as I ask.
Great book to read is Love and Logic by Dr. (PH.D) Charles Fey and Dr. (MD) Foster Cline which you can find at your local library. I love their strategies and the above is my version of that. Has worked really well on my sons now age 9 and 10 with one being inclined to produce a mess as your daughter.
One thing that makes clean up fun is to put on music and you kind of help a little. We are all dancing around putting things away together and it feels less of a chore. We had a sleep over this weekend and did this the next morning.
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At the end of the day she is creating a mess and not tidying up afterwards. This is very normal of most children. Some children are more messier than others and will just throw rubbish on the floor from sheer idleness. They will take out a game and not put it back and get another one out. Before you know it the house is incomplete turmoil. It does not matter if it is just one child or a group of them.
If you have ever experienced bringing up a messy child with no discipline or rules, it ruins your health. When she becomes an adult and lives in her own place then she will be able to have as much mess as she wants, but as a growing young child she does need to be taught tidiness and hygiene and that we cannot always do what we want. This is true of the adult world too.
You probably have laws in your country about littering your sidewalks, and if you get caught littering, then a fine is imposed.
It is up to us parents to teach our children about order and discipline and that throwing rubbish, leaving a mess and leaving it around is not acceptable. Toys and clothes left lying about on the floor and all over the place are also a trip hazard.