I am at my wits end with my 5 year old daughter, we are in the process of waiting for her appointments to be screened but until then I really am at a loss and feel it's probably my fault. I was married to her father for 12 years he's a controlling,selfish narcissist, when one of our kids needed or wanted a relationship with me he would reject them ( called the oldest a traitorous b**** for talking to me). Her life has a been nothing short of bad I know when she was 15 months he decided the world was out to get us, that day we left our home and everything behind moved into an rv so he could keep on the move. She'd sleep with me and was frequently left behind w me so he could take the older kids to have fun and she would be too much of an hindrance. About 6 months later he had to return east in order to not loose his job, he'd telecommuted before but they wanted him there and were tired of him wanting the exceptions to the general rules of employment. He choose however to hideous off in trailer with nothing while he'd work, which led to the removal of the kids by children's services, at that point she lost all contact was for 90 days, when we got visitation it was supervised and he set to work using the situation to his advantage, planting stories with the kids saying to tell the people that I tried to kill them etc. She had limited vocabulary when this started and I figured shed regressed with the loss of our home like her brother had ( he'd been potty trained fully for x6 months and with the loss reverted back to diapers and thumb sucking). Through the time she was out of our home I'd hear stories of what the foster parents did to her from spanking her for accidents to hot sauce for finger sucking. She frequently had bruises on her head and would cling to me durring visits. After things were turned around ( to outside appearances) and I'd made a big enough deal over the bruises and spanking they were sent home. My husband violence towards me reached an all time high with the threat if my grave actually dug in the basement,not verbal and physical. I was too scared to say anything to the workers, when it was too obvious to hide I choose to visit my parents and try and come up with a plan. I told children's services and begged them to keep an eye on the other kids which they didn't. I was allowed by him to take only one child with me, so knowing she couldn't speak up and that he wasn't good with littler kids I took her with me on the train. I never imagined he'd let one of the kids go but he did. I mean within the week I got on the train he'd packed and moved from our home never picked up the phone and essentially cut us out of our life. With the control I'd never had my name on the bank accounts, or worked or even learned to drive so please don't think badly of me for not being able to return and fight him I am still trying to be able to save the money to do so. However there are medical reasons that make it harder and ones that could be made worse by the area he's in. On top of it I'm 31 making minimum wage in my first job with half my checks going to past due child support from when the kids were in children's services custody.
Ok well that's the background now this is what's going on. She's become very defiant I ask her to do something and she won't do it without a huge battle. At meal time it literally takes hours for her to eat a meal even if she likes it or requests it. It can literally take all day for her to eat a hotdog i cave in and give her ( hotdogs have never been on our meal plans before) trying to avoid fights. I have tried catering to her with foods I wouldn't give her otherwise, foods she likes and even making fun things out of it it's still a fight, I try to limit her meal time to 30 mins she just plays and when I take the food away she cries and screams " me want to eat". She will ask for permission to do something and I'll tell her yes, she will throw screaming crying fits saying I won't let her. This morning she wanted to sleep in my bed and I told her she could she threw herself on the floor at the end of the bed screaming you won't let me sleep with you, once she was in my bed again she started asking to go get her blanket I told her yes again she was screaming that I wouldn't let her get her blanket. If I take her to the store with me she asks for everything, screams like I'm hurting her if I say no, I've been told off by people because they thinks hurting her. It's getting to be really hard to deal with her. I'm at a loss as to what I can do next, it's my fault she's lost everything again. Sticker charts aren't helping, limits and schedules don't help her, talking about her siblings only makes it worse I frequently tell her they love herald miss her and I know she's upset over loosing them. I have debated on sending her to him as thats the only way she'll see them but then I know she'd be in a world of abuse over these behaviors and missing me since she'd not be allowed to speak to me even. So I'm desperately seeking advice....