My 12 year old girl is moody and always looks on the negative

[HelenHow]

My 12 year old daughter is a big girl for her age, she is tall and carries a bit of extra weight but has never been classed as fat, she is shy and reserved at school, however is excelling in all areas of school work, she struggles to keep friends and is always left out, she has two friends and if they are away she is on her own, she says that she does not care but I am not sure, the trouble is her behaviour at home especially with me.  She insists in ignoring me and when I ask her not to she back chatts and stares at me with utter hate or as if she is not listening at all, if she is told off and sent to her room she will argue to the extent that we have a hugh row I have threatened to remove her priveledges and did this once by cancelling her horse riding lesson, for that week she made the effort but soon went back to being miserable, she always thinks I am picking on her and I let her brother get away with anything, this is not the case when I chastise him he does as is told and goes to his room etc without question or confrontation, I have explained this to her and stated that that is the way forward. Sometimes when we pick her up on the way she eats etc she just refuses to change, she seems angry and always wants things her way and will never compromise with the rest of the family then that puts in an even worse mood.  I hate to think that she is always unhappy as when she laughs and has a good time she is wonderful.  I have tried on many occasion to takl to her and see if there is anything wrong and why is she so unhappy and moody but she just switches off. Any suggestions or is it just a phase, Ihope someone can help as I so want her to be happy.

[musicmama]

I agree with being sensitive to your daughter like April2 has suggested.  I don't think it's ok for your daughter to treat you badly.  If you demand respect, and give it in return, she will give it.  If she ignores you, don't cater to her or do anthing for her.  She will want something from you at sometime; and when she does, act surprised that she's talking to you.  This is a great time to have an open conversation.  The book "No Backtalk" helps give natural consequences to this kind of behavior.

Hang in there.  I know how your daughter must feel
Good luck and God bless.  

[April2]

Well, some of it is normal teen hormones going on. Yes, they start to want to be away from their parents more and yes sometimes they feel like they hate us (even though they really don't). They will rebel and question authority. It's important that you remain consistant with your rules and expectations but you also want to be there for her to be able to come and talk to.
It does sound to me that she may be depressed, though. I don't know for sure, but see if you can get her to open up. Try and gently talk to her about school and what's going on in her life. Let her know that you are her biggest champion and you believe in her. Let her know that she can always come and talk to you and you will listen. She needs to understand that.
I was big for my age too at her age. I wasn't fat either but I wasn't tiny like some of my friends. Not only that I had to repeat a grade in 1st grade so I not only was bigger than the other kids in my grade, I was older too. Now days there's not so much stigma attatched to that but I was made to feel stupid and a big cow by a lot of the kids who made fun of me. I used to try and shrink down to make myself appear smaller. It really did affect my self-esteem. I never told my mom, though. I didn't think she'd understand.

Many years later I found out my daughter was bullied all through middle school. She never told me how bad things got because she didn't want to seem like a tattle-tale. Her self-esteem was really affected too. If I had known how bad it was and how it went on all through middle school (by the same kids who moved up each grade with her), I would have moved her out of that school a long time ago. She started becoming more moody at 12, her grades dropped and she spent more time in her room. Later she began to cut herself and I found a suicide note in her room. Alarmed, I immediately got her into counseling. That's how a lot of this came out. I wish I had known earlier and hadn't let it get to that point. I'm not saying this will happen to your daughter. I'm just saying do watch her and pay attention to how she's acting. And talk to her a lot! Don't let her isolate herself.
It's good that she's got horseback riding. That gives her an outlet. Is there something else she might enjoy where she'd be with other kids? Like a sport, youth group or scouts? Just a thought.
Just be there for her. The teen years can be so difficult and our kids need to know that they have a safe haven at home. You sound like a very caring mother so that's a big plus for her. Just pay close attention to her and listen to your gut about her. If you're worried about her, there may be a reason. Just talk to her and keep talking to her. She's fortunate to have such a caring mom. I wish you and your daughter the best.