What Could Be Causing A Sudden Behavior Change In My Toddler?

[candymandy08]

Hello all,

I need some help and some guidance.

I am a single mother of a 3.5 year old daughter. She is bright, intelligent, inquisitive, friendly, happy-go-lucky, and has even achieved some recognition for being advanced in certain areas of learning. She is polite and uses her manners. All around, I probably couldn't ask for a better or healthier kid.

My daughter attends a small preschool. Her class has 4 boys and 4 girls who are all 2-3 years old. All of a sudden she went from being a "Joy to Have in Class" to a "Royal Pain". This all started just before the 2017 Christmas Break. She sort of misbehaved on the last day before break and everyone chalked it up to being excited for vacation. On Christmas break she sort of went through a "testing the waters" phase of trying to challenge who was in charge. Usually, she will listen to reason, believe it or not, about why we do/don't do certain things. She-was-not-having-it on some days. She just changed to outright authoritarian anytime someone told her to stop doing something harmful, messy, etc. It sort of tapered off just before school started back up.

She was fine the first week back to school and then she started throwing (nothing short of postal) tantrums in school over trivial things (sharing, sitting, walking, listening). She has started screaming at the top of her lungs, stomping her feet, telling everyone no, hitting other classmates, hitting teachers, spitting, and just becoming generally defiant!!! She does it at home but I have more of a handle on it than the teachers. She goes right to time out until she calms down and then she apologizes and tells me what should could have done instead of speak/act a certain way. Unfortunately, at school the poor girl receives nothing short of a note/message home almost every day! I was even called in to a meeting with her teacher.

I am at my wits end and I have exhausted all my options and brain cells. I started doing a daily behavior chart at home (lots of ideas via pintrest) so that maybe she can understand her actions better (since they live in the moment). There are prizes if she has exceptional behavior. I have tried taking toys away, taking away visits with friends/family on the weekend, taking away tv/movies, early bedtimes, more time out...just about anything that you can think of. The teacher and I are trying to work together to figure out WHY she is doing this.

She has had no super recent changes. Schedules are all the same and there are no new people in her life. She is doing things that "she knows" are not allowed on purpose just to get attention or something (coloring walls, painting herself with food, etc). We moved to a new house, in the same town, just after Thanksgiving. She LOVES it and loves everything about it. I thought it was the move but I have serious doubts now. What am I going to do? I fear that she may get kicked out of preschool if this keeps up. I already hear her talk negatively about herself because she believes that she is bad because of all the notes sent home. Please someone help!

[specialmom]

So, I'm going to throw this out there.  And you may think I'm nuts.  My son had tremendous issues in preschool.  Smart guy, lovely at home.  But at home, his environment is comfy to him, he also has more control over things. AT school, not so much.  Expectations abound and even small things like washing hands.  He also threw major tantrums at school and had meltdowns that could cause him to run out of the room (which we now know is flight or flight behavior and is a base level behavior when in distress).  He would not do as the teacher wanted him to often.  Didn't participate at times.  It was rough.  He was diagnosed with a neurological developmental delay called sensory integration disorder.  

And before you say, not my kid . . . let me just say, that I had NO idea.  And I'm an older, educated mother who is not in denial about my kids.  But I had no idea.  My son, to fast forward IS very smart. He is now in 8th grade and takes two high school honors classes and will take his first college level class next year.  He's in the school band, an athlete as well and is starting to work on his Boy Scout Eagle project.  But . . . he has sensory integration disorder.  

What helped me was to go to school and quietly observe.  I didn't just stay with my kid but I stayed in the room and watched him.  This was not the child I knew!  He was uncomfortable and reacting in such ways that I wasn't familiar. He had some issues at home from time to time but it was amplified at school.  So, I wanted to find ways to help him.  He was evaluated twice and we started occupational therapy to work on helping the sensory regulation issues he was having as well as to teach him coping skills.  We also had a terrific counselor at the preschool my son attended and they gave 'education' to the teachers on ways to help the situation.  They took it to heart and it helped.  Things like offering choices.  Sally, do you want to pass the napkins during snack or sit in your chair?  Sally, do you want to want sit next to Mrs. X during circle time or would you rather sit in a chair beside the group?  Lots of little choices.  This sure aids in compliance.  Then things that help sensory are what they call 'heavy work' and deep pressure.  So, he had built in exercise like they would ask him to 'help' and move a chair across the room (lifting and pushing something weighted) or they'd have him do a leap frog contest with another child down the hall or the whole class would march with feet slapping pavement to the playground.  They had go to things for behavior as well.  Things like a safe spot which could be a little enclosed tent, under a specified table, a rocking chair in a corner. These are known things that help children (all children) self soothe  These things helped my son with his sensory needs but they would help any child.  

I totally agree with Sandman as well that getting a bit of extra sleep is very helpful and I'm a big proponent of physical activity having a positive affect on behavior.  Trips to the park, going swimming, playing outside, obstacle course inside during rainy days, jumping on a mattress placed on the floor for the evening ,etc. All can help.  I have another son who does not have sensory activities and these things helped him too.  

good luck

[candymandy08]

Really great information! Thank you! She is sleeping very well and loves the new house :)  I had wondered about the sensory thing but she passed that portion of her screening. See below.

[Sandman2]

Oh, boy, this is tough, and just from the length of your post I can tell you are really worried.   Usually, there is some trigger that can be identified....and nothing obvious is coming up.

There are some things I can tell you from years of experience.  At this age - what you do at home to reward/punish what is going on at school will not work.  Kids of this age (and up to almost 8 or so) do not have the ability to deal with things in the future.  Its gotta be immediate reinforcement.     and.... that may be part of the problem.  If all the teacher is doing is to send notes home, there is no immediate consequence or reinforcement.  Notes home will have no effect on her.  Is her teacher kind of inexperienced?  So let me repeat...what you do at home will probably only make things worse.   HOWEVER, teaching her useful skills at home that will transition to school is good.  more on that later.

I would recommend taking some time off work and going to the school to observe what is going on.  In a way, given the size of the class, I don't know how "normal" a situation that will be.  But, you do need to know what is going on and how the teacher handles the situation.  It does sound like the teacher is very willing to work with you.  The teacher needs to look for what is triggering these things.  Also, the time periods that this is happening.  Does it happen all day long or only (say) in the afternoons?  By the way, how well is she sleeping at night in her new home?  Lack of sleep can really mess a kid up!

Now, what can you do at home.  Try to teach her better ways to communicate and handle her emotions.   There are a bunch of books aimed at her age group to help you.  They are meant to be read aloud many times and practiced.  A good example is "When I feel angry" which can be found here.  Also on this link, you can find other good books that will help.  the link is ... https://www.amazon.com/When-Feel-Angry-Way-Books/dp/0807588970/ref=pd_sim_14_2?ie=UTF8&dpID=51btE3dscsL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL320_SR252%2C320_&refRID=0ZHYAZ397YX7VAA8WQ9V&th=1

By the way, experts say it takes about 3 weeks of consistent reinforcement for a behavioral change to take effect - so once you and the teacher arrive on a plan, don't expect immediate results.

I hope this helps.  Do keep in touch, I really want to know how this works out. It kind of sounds like it is the dynamic of the school that might be the problem.   I know that kids of that age when first going to school can cry for several weeks and then slowly adjust and will be just fine.  Sometimes, just a bit of special attention, can do the trick too.  There are just a lot of variables here - which is why helping her cope by teaching her ways to communicate is important.   Best wishes!

[candymandy08]

Thanks so much for the recommendations! I have posted an update below.

[Sandman2]

Thank you for getting back to us.  Hopefully, this is just a phase that will pass.  But, some other thoughts I had.

One concerns the school.  Any school that thinks that sending a 3 year old home will send a signal to the child that their behavior is unacceptable kind of makes me doubt the school a bit.  Any 3 year old would usually much rather be at home with mama then at school.   Which also makes me wonder why her behavior get better after 10 a.m. ?   Different activities?  Different teachers?  mid morning snacks?  Something is a bit off in that has the day goes on - she gets better.  Wonder what would happen if she started at 10?  Of course, that probably is impossible with your job, etc.   How does she feel about her two main teachers?

You said that you have had a lot of talk about emotions lately.  That is good.  Play acting ways to handle them is even better.  In my first post I recommended the book, "When I feel Angry".  Did you check into that?  I would also suggest, "Cool Down and Work through Anger" which has lots of ways to cope with anger which can be practiced with her.   And, you might also look into, " Know and Follow Rules" which might also be helpful.  One of the reviews said it helped her son in his preschool.  The books can be found here.....
     "Cool Down" ;;;    https://www.amazon.com/Cool-Through-Anger-Learning-Along%C2%AE/dp/1575423464/ref=pd_sim_14_7?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1575423464&pd_rd_r=PNESG59S24SQVXEN16NW&pd_rd_w=jKHkR&pd_rd_wg=8jxay&psc=1&refRID=PNESG59S24SQVXEN16NW

    "Know and Follow'  ;;;    https://www.amazon.com/Follow-Rules-Cheri-Meiners-M-Ed/dp/1575421305/ref=pd_sbs_14_29?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1575421305&pd_rd_r=BW6QNHCKKQNDEHE2M0FP&pd_rd_w=XwFhW&pd_rd_wg=gHD1a&psc=1&refRID=BW6QNHCKKQNDEHE2M0FP

   In regards to an "early kindergarten" .... I don't know when your daughters birthday is, but generally I don't like kids entering school too early.  Being the youngest kid in your class by a year is asking for trouble in high school, etc.  However, if its only a few months (say summer birthday) no big deal.   I do think that looking into a different school that might match your daughters talents for next year might be a good idea.  Also wondering if she is the oldest in her class now and that might be part  of the problem?  8 kids and two teachers?  Not understanding why they are having the problem.

Anyway, check out those books I mentioned.  They will give you some good ideas.  Hope this helps!!  Keep in touch.

[candymandy08]

OP here:
So we have been steadily battling this behavior thing. We have gotten numerous notes sent home. I asked to meet with the two teachers that she spends the most time with. According to them it mainly happens before 10am. (She is dropped off around 830am). She is essentially told to either do something or not do something (i.e. move onto the next activity or stop her current activity) and that is when the disruption happens. My daughter decides that she want's to be "independent" and doesn't immediately change her action (i.e. continues playing, runs away, yells NO, insists that she must DO this BEFORE she follows the teachers' instructions). The teachers plead with her before attempting to get her to comply. As she is being forced follow directions she proceeds to throw a tantrum. Mainly it is yelling but has resulted in a few attempts to kick or swing at a teacher. She is placed in time out and "hulk level" retaliates Other teachers intervene and remove her and she does not get to attend morning gym play time. At this point, they have made a stance that if she causes harm to a teacher or student that she must be sent home for the day. They feel that this sends a signal to her that the behavior is unacceptable.

So, I took her to a preschool screening shortly after the meeting. To my surprise, she was testing at or above kindergarten levels for; hand-eye, fine motor, speech, vision, hearing, language, and behavioral. The screening test recommended that she could be placed for early kindergarten in 2019-2020. I expressed my concerns and they attributed it to a "stage" of toddlerhood. I received a phone call from the gifted program director at the school board who expressed the same opinion. I am currently seeking a behavioralist to screen her and get a certified statement. I gave all of this information to the school. Her teachers said that they were not surprised that she was recommended for early kindergarten as they said she was ahead of the other kids academically (I thought they were just being nice!). They know I am seeking a specialist.

I asked them to implement a sticker chart in school. This was based off my own research and a recommendation from the screening. At home, she has a color chart for the day. This helps her visually see what actions change her chart. She can move up and down the chart at any time and always starts the day on green.

Rainbow: Superstar (earns a small prize from the chest)
Purple: Awesome
Blue: Good Choices
Good Morning Green
Yellow: Warning
Orange: Timeout
Red: Take  away toy/activity

This has been very helpful with managing her emotions. We have had a lot of talks about emotions lately. At school, her sticker chart is basically: obtain a sticker for all three days and get the prize. She has yet to complete a straight week and has even had stickers removed. This was specifically advised against by the screening behavioralist. So the current plan is (following several absences due to a family funeral and the flu) is to allow two more weeks of their sticker chart. Following the orders of the screening, this is how it will change. I will forward the information that stickers are not recommended to be removed after being earned. That there should be a two-sticker system. One that she earns for behavior and one that she earns for something that she ALWAYS does well. They have seen studies that not earning a sticker consistently causes temporary depression, lack of motivation to change the behavior, lack of confidence, and a self-fulfilling prophecy as a "bad kid". We have implemented at two-sticker chart at home as well. The stickers are used as currency now to obtain a prize. I have seen good results so far.

Do I think it's kind of ridiculous, yes. Is it stressing me out to know end as an already stressed out single parent, yes. Whatever it takes to calm her down out of this "three-nager" stage and appease the school is all I am after.