My three year old son's behavior is worsening.

[tracymoney87]

I have a three and a half year old son, and up until the past maybe six months, he was well behaved, good mannered and an absolute delight to be around. Myself and his dad split up a year ago... but that's never had a noticeable effect on him. He also started nursery five months ago... and I'm wondering if this may be the cause for his behavior? He has no real routine as he spends every other weekend and Wednesday nights with his Dad, and therefore will also have two very different routines.
He's recently started ignoring me, and won't do something even if I ask repeatedly, and will just slowly back away from me and shake his head, and this will more often than not turn into a full blown tantrum.
I'm struggling to see what has changed in our lives that would make such a dramatic change to his behavior, and am also wondering if it's justified to keep him home instead of going to nursery, to try and force a routine on him and hopefully this will bring back the old little boy.
And thoughts would be appreciated, as I  feel absolutely lost in this situation. I have no clue what to do... or what the right path to take would actually be.
Thanks :)

[tinkerbell1124]

It may just be his age. He's pushing his limits to see what he can get away with.

[RockRose]

Tracy,  reading your post,  I can't believe you start a paragraph with "I'm struggling to see what has changed in our lives that would make such a dramatic change in his behavior".  

Everything in this child's life has changed.

At home,  his dad is no longer there and although you don't mention it,  the emotional tone in your house before the divorce must have been stressful.  And I know parents often say "we kept it from him",  but that doesn't work that way.

Then,  his dad moved out and now he has two households that are run very differently and his little boy brain has no capability to keep a running calendar for when he'll be at either house,  one day he's at his old home, and after awhile he's at the other one,  and then back.

Add to that he's now in nursery where he wasn't before.

His life has changed drastically and none of the changes are positive.  Even very positive change is stressful in itself - so many negative changes have rocked his foundation.

I know there's nothing you can do right now to put his life back together,  but maybe framing your thoughts about him with "his world has  been shattered and he's struggling to find his way again in the chaos" might be better than "he's misbehaving terribly and I want my sweet son back and I can't imagine what changes he's been through that might have caused this".

This is hard.   And it probably won't get easier anytime soon.

[specialmom]

Hi.  Well, a couple of things.  First, he is 3 1/2 and kids do go through periods that are very different than the one prior.  Three was much harder for both my boys than 2 and four was tough too.  (five got much easier).  I also have read a good bit of material on it and often kids follow a cycle in which the halves are worse than the year---------- meaning 3 1/2 is worse than 3.  I don't know if that is true or not but it did pan out for both of my kids.  So what I am trying to tell you is that some of this is normal 3 year old stuff.  Angels go through periods in which you wonder what the heck happened even without tons of change (which your son has had).  They test boundaries and push our buttons.  Most 3 year olds do this.

And then on top of that, you've had some major changes in his life.  Splitting from dad is a big deal and the effect of that takes time.  Sometimes little kids don't really get it and as they get older and comprehend . . . hey, dad doesn't live here anymore (even though you think they are understanding it)-------  it takes time to sink in.  So, I do think that would still be having an effect.  I'd do your very best to remain cordial with dad and get on the same page as him so that routine at his house and your house can be as similar as possible.  Try to have the same rules, bed times, rituals, etc.  This will help him acclimate to the back and forth.  School can also be a stressor for some kids although many simply love it.  Is it too long of a day for him?  How are things going there?  Is he getting into trouble?  Things to think about.  I'd volunteer when you can there and see what you think of his day at school.  

Stay really calm with him.  Look for triggers that make him back away and go into meltdown mode.  Kids have issues with expressing their feelings at that age and often the outburst is just emotion they don't know how to verbalize.  So help him by saying things like "you seem upset, what can we do?"  Give him some techniques to calm such as taking a deep breath, going to a 'cool down' spot, etc.  But------  a really good plan is to track the triggers and try to solve the problem of why they are happening.  Have a game plan that includes distraction and rules.  Hold to your boundaries but some things can be softened while he is so volatile.  For example, he doesn't want to get dressed in pj's for bed.  So, give him a transitional warning.  Give him 5 minutes of what he is doing before he has to change but he knows it is coming.  Have those pj's ready and waiting.  He gets them on and then . . . he gets his favorite choc milk that he can see is already made and waiting and a story that he will enjoy your reading to him.  Also, try to give him choices-----  do you want these pj's or those?  Do you want to drink your milk during the story or before?  Things like that make a child feel like he has some control even though the things he is choosing from you set up for him.  

But remember, three is a tough age in and of itself.  Good luck