Omniscient 9 year old

[GtrComp1]

My stepson has to be right about everything, big or small, experienced or not. He is a "know-it-all." It really concerns me because this certainty manifests itself as extreme arrogance. I worry that it stems from a lack of self esteem and try my best to deal with the issue without "proving" to him that he's not always right, but what drives the necessity for a child to insist that he absolutely knows things he could not possibly know? Any ideas?

We've tried to ignore it, dissuade it, change the subject, place him in timeout (usually for the resulting attitude and talking back that accompany it), but frequently just turn to quiet time to put a lid on it.

[margypops]

you are so welcome let us know how it goes ..

[GtrComp1]

@ specialmom - some great ideas and info there...I will definitely explore spd in greater detail with my wife. Thanks!!!

@ teddybears & margypops - Thanks! I agree that getting together and figuring out a course of action would be ideal. I have suggested that on many occasions. However, to say the least, the father is not the most cooperative when it comes to these matters. He has yet to acknowledge that there is a problem. Earlier this year, a therapist was involved that my wife paid for, scheduled appointments and took her son to see. Ultimately, it became "inconvenient" for the father when the kids were at his house. (Don't ask, as I can't explain how that worked! LOL) Anyway, we do plan to get back to therapy even if just during our weeks with the kids as we do feel it benefited her son. Thanks again!

[margypops]

I think teddy bears idea of having a chat with the other family is an excellent way to go ,it should be a joint decision how to handle the child .especially if they are also experiencing the same problems with him that you are ...

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I wanted to comment on the add/adhd diagnosis and not medicating.  Certainly understandable.  My son has sensory integration disorder which is also an issue with the nervous system like add/adhd and can look very much like it.  Symptoms are very similar.  Volatility is common, inability to focus at times, and many more things.  You can read about it at the web site "sensory processing disorder" or "spd" for more information.  

The reason I am telling you this is because if I had a child that I didn't want to medicate who had add/adhd -------  I would employ sensory strategies to help him.  On that website, if you go to a section called "heavy work"----  you will find what regulates the nervous system of a sensory kid.  It is basically physical activity, muscle work, deep pressure.  This would make something like swimming the perfect exercise (case in point---  Michael Phelps is a famous swimmer and has add/adhd.  It helped with his nervous system----- besides becoming his passion).  Going to a park and running, jumping, climbing, swinging, kicking a soccer ball, karate, hitting baseballs, hitting a punching back, kickboxing, etc.  All are excellent activities for a sensory kid.  My son played football this past season which was helpful and then will do swim team this winter.  He's only 7 and we don't really worry about the competitive aspect of it-----  we just enjoy the benefit of his nervous system "slowing down" and his increased focus from the work outs.  So, I'd get your step son out there and very active to help him.  There is a direct link between behavior and these activities.  If you have access to a trampoline-----  also excellent.  You can give him some books to "help" you by taking them to another room.  He can push a wheelbarrow that has some heavy things in it.  All of these things should benefit his nervous system.

I can't tell you what a difference these activities have made in my son.  Let me know if you need any other ideas.  good luck

[margypops]

If he is diagnosed with ADHD you may find others whose children have the same with input on the ADHD forum ..and compare if he is not taking meds then he hasn't any side effects ..

[teddybears4ever2]

What you should probably do is talk to your wife about having a sit down with his dad, and him.  All of you are in charge of him and should be co-parenting, him.  Agree that this is how you are going to approach him from now on, and that there are to be certain ground rules.
If he is really out a control it might be time for him to see a therapist.

[GtrComp1]

Thanks for the comments - I should clarify that his mom is on the very same page...it grates on her nerves, but I think it reminds her more of her ex when he does it and that is what gets under her skin. She will frequently say to me in private that "he is acting just like his father."

I should also clarify a few other things:

- we do praise the good behavior with compliments
- we express how proud and happy we are when he has a good day at school, or builds something extravagant with legos, etc.
- he and his sister also spend every other week at their dad's house so it's hard to say how things are handled there
- and lastly, the timeouts have never resulted from the initial "know-it-all" instances.

I realize now that I did not make those things very clear in my OP. Timeout for him is used in our household when he exhibits aggressive behavior such as yelling, disrespecting people, animals, or property, or physical outbursts. Here's an example from last week: on the way home from school, his younger sister commented that she was hungry because she didn't eat much lunch. When I asked what she had for lunch, she told me and then he refuted one of the items that she listed. When she said, "no, that's not right, I did have XYZ and you aren't in my lunch group so how could you even know?" he got really upset, insisted that lunch is a certain way and is always that way and she was wrong, etc, etc, etc. All of this came in an escalating tone with him getting closer and closer to her face. I pulled into the next gas station, stopped the car, reminded him that he is to remain seated with his seatbelt on while we are driving, and told him that he owed me 5 minutes in his room when we got home for his outburst. He then proceeded to argue with me that his seatbelt was on, he just had the shoulder belt behind him so he could lean over.  

His mom and I try our best to not engage him in these arguments and to quietly and calmly inform him that he "owes us" time for having to explain a given rule again. And as I mentioned in the initial post, his mom and I both try to squash the issue before it gets to the point of upsetting him if we can.

As frustrating as it is for me, I realize that he is battling his own demons so I really do try not to hurt his ego. There are times, though, where he has to be corrected - homework is a constant point of contention, yet he will argue that an incorrect math problem is as right as right can be. He has been diagnosed by 2 different professionals as being ADHD so maybe it's somehow related, but his father insists he will never put his son on medication. I do understand that and I stay out of that whole issue beyond providing moral support for my wife. She doesn't "want" that either, but this 4th grader already spends an average of 3-4 hours on homework each night because he didn't finish the work in school and only passed the 3rd grade because we promised to have him complete work over the summer. I fear that the behavior that results when this child is not right about something will quickly become very destructive in his life. We are trying to deal with the anger/behavioral issues, but I can't help feeling that those all come back to his low self esteem and the need to "puff" himself up as someone put it.

I will suggest that we try the approach of pointing out how it draws negative attention to one's self - perhaps find a book or movie that deals with similar behavior - and see if that helps.

Thanks again!

[margypops]

I took it you were his step dad so it would be some interesting input how his Mom views the way you think about him ..?

[RockRose]

I agree with what the other two have said,  maybe it's false bravado,  but I have another thought.

There are people who have "delusions of grandeur".  They have exaggerated self-esteem and truly believe they are better/smarter than everyone else.  

Did he have a period in the first 3 years of his life where he wasn't bonded with anyone,  or lost the person he was most bonded to?   Was he in daycare a LOT,  and didn't get nurturing care from a consistent caregiver there,  and also didn't receive nurturing care at home?

[specialmom]

And I agree that a time out for this is not appropriate.  good luck

[specialmom]

Hi.  I'd agree that this has to do with self esteem issues.  I have kids slightly younger--------  age 6 and 7.  We've talked about this.  Many kids naturally do this as a way to 'puff' themselves up.  I use the word puff because we just read a book called "pufferfish" or something like that.  It involved a boy that out did everyone, knew everything, etc.  Deep down inside, it was this boys way of making himself feel safe and as good if not better than other kids.  

I would take the tact of pointing it out when other people do it and how it actually draws negative attention to one's self.  I'd talk about listening to others and learning from them.  I'd talk about how know it alls get on their friends nerves.  It is a social skill to not be this way.  I'd talk about 'filling up someone's basket' by making them feel important and correcting them or showing them up with his knowledge empties their basket.  

Many kids, as I said do this, some outgrow it and some become annoying adults. I believe most are indeed insecure at that is at the heart of it.  

Another thing to do is work on his overall confidence.  You could also---  when he acts like a know it all on a specific subject that he really might not be is to go to the library and check out a book on it.  Give it to him and say " you seemed interested in this subject the other day when we were talking.  Here is a book on it that you might enjoy."  good luck

[margypops]

Sounds like you are somewhat hard on him ,try the opposite ,focus on his positive side and praise him when he does something right, I doubt punishing a child with time outs for being a know it all' will work .,how does his mom feel about his personality ?