Ten year old son

[penny2211767]

My ten year old son says he doesn't have friends at school. He tells me they think he is a nerd. I told him it's ok to be a nerd and he should be whoever he is. Is there anyway I can help him? He is doing well in his classes and is a very kind person.

[penny2211767]

Maybe I don't know the meaning of nerd. I was thinking it meant someone a bit odd (or different) but intelligent. I myself have always liked people who were able to just be themselves. I have since talked with my son about how everyone is different, and most importantly, a child of a God.  Thank you for your comments. Penny

[penny2211767]

Special mom,thank you for taking the time to give me such caring thoughts. I took him To a school rollerskating event last week, and although he did not hang out with any one in particular, he was very outgoing and seemed very happy. He truly joyed himself!  We are trying to decide which extracurricular activity would be best for him and we are going to talk these things over with him tonight.
Thank you again.   Penny

[specialmom]

Good quote chima.  thanks

[Chima7]

I read this on twitter and I've sent it to a couple of people who were really down on themselves.

Over seven billion people are on the earth, yet not one of us has the same fingerprints, or footprints, or even laugh. Every individual is authentic. EVERY PERSON IS AN UNREPEATABLE MIRACLE.
— Kevin Hall

Tell him this because it's true. He needs to realize that he is special and unique and there's no one else like him anywhere in this world.

[penny2211767]

Thank you so much for taking time to respond about my friendless son.  He has asked to join boy scots and also bell choir. His father has not been very supportive, but I will persue these things that he want to do.  Thank you

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I'm sorry your son is doing this negative self talk.  What do you think?  Does he really not have friends?  Is he in some way being made fun of at school?  I agree with above that doing outside of school activities is one way to really help build self esteem which helps tremendously with bullying.  

It also takes just one friend for a child to feel they belong.  Does he have a friend like this?  If not, can you help foster it?  I have told my kids that a smart thing to do when one is trying to make friends is to look around for other people that appear to need friends as well.  Then find common ground with them.  I invite these kids over to my house and make a great play date for them.  Great snacks, great activities, etc.  Then as the kids have a common interest and spend more time together, friendship can grow.  It really helps to involve a teacher if you do indeed feel your child is lacking in his peer friendships.  Our teachers are really in tune with this being an important aspect to a child being happy overall and doing well in the school environment.  

Things we've done with our son which have helped him grow his friendship circle is joining some athletic teams.  Karate also can be a physical outlet without requiring massive athletic skill if your son is not into sports.  My son has taken up the violin and joined his school's orchestra.  He had not played the instrument at all prior to orchestra.  Next year he may join band or choir.  He's doing destination imagination which meets in small groups of I think 2 to 7 kids (his team is a team of 5) to do creative problem solving.  he's done after school activities including lego engineering, Mad Science and drawing.  He meets kids in these programs.  He also does cub scouts.  All avenues to meeting kids that have some interests that he has.  

My son was bullied until this year.  His self esteem has increased tremendously, he has a good friend this year that sticks by him no matter what and I think the combination of these two things has really helped make him less of a target for the bullies that pick on kids.  He's focused on getting good grades and is along with some success in his extracurricular activities and friendships has made him a different kids.

so, my advice is to think of what he likes to do and help him explore it.  Accentuate the positive and minimize the negative.  Doing these activities will put him with kids that like what he likes.  Have him be open and friendly to kids (practice and role play social things if need be . . .  how to say hi, how to interrupt a conversation two other kids are having, how to have a back and forth two way dialogue----  some kids do lack in social skills which greatly hinder them in peer interaction) and look for kids that are also open to new friendships.  

My son is 9.5 by the way and in the 4th grade.  These can be rough years but kids still are somewhat innocent.  You are smart to work on this now.

I would not confirm that he is a nerd but rather talk about we are all GREAT as we are (fine tuning our flaws of course).  good luck

[MarkLakewood3367]

I don't think that confirming that your son is a nerd is a step in the right direction.  This can be seen quite negatively by your son perhaps causing low self esteem especially if his peers are calling him a nerd.  What I would do is encourage your son to join some extracurricular activities (sports or non-sports).  This would help your son engage with other kids who he shares common interests with while developing sound and meaningful relationships.  

Additionally, if your son says that other kids are calling him a nerd, then it sounds as if he is getting bullied.  Recent studies suggest that extracurricular activities reduces bullying behavior.