What is my role? What should I do?

[conerned]

My husband has custody of his 10 year old grandson whose father is deceased and whose mother is in prison.  The child's grandmother is deceased and I have been married to his grandfather for 2 years.  I have known the child since birth.  The child has always been given most anything he wanted with very very little disipline.  He slept with his grandfather, was dressed by an adult, usually fed by an adult, his homework was done for him by his grandmother or adult aunts.  His behavior was not acceptable in kindergarten or first grade.  He was placedin private school and put on ritilin in second grade where he still did not do his work at school and received notes concerning his behavior on a daily basis.  He came to live at my house with my fifteen year old daughter in April 2007 where he was given his own room and bed and was expected to sleep in it.  It took about two months of me sleeping in the floor nextto his bed for him to be ableto sleep the night through by himself.  He learned to run his own bath water, take his own bath, choose his own clothes, dress  himself, feed  himself, etc.  It was not that he could not do these things, it had just been done for him as if he was still an infant.  I have been determined that he did not need the ritilin.  I watch the sugar, processed foods, caffeine and and dyes in his diet.  I also disipline him, however, his grandfather tends to pet him and console him when I disipline him.  If his grandfather does correct him, he will later appologize for disiplining him because he thinks he is too hard.  His grandfather is a wonderful person and is way too good to everybody.  Everybody uses him and pushes him around.  He is too easy.     His behavior this school year is becoming intolerable.  He has been in several fights, disrupts the class by laughing, talking out, etc.  He has been in in school suspension many times.  The last time he was sent there, his grandfather gave him money and permission to go to a school dance the very next day and extra spending money.  This week he has made extreme fun of a physically and mentally handicapped child at his school. He was told that the would haveto loose recess for an extended period of time and work with the special needs class at school.  The next day he got in to a fight with a classmate.  He seems to have no remorse for his behavior and no concern for his punishment.  His grandfather said and did nothing almost as if nothing had happened.  His grandfather's naswer is put himon ritilin.  I am definitely against that. This child does things like goinginto the bathroom to take a shower but just standingin the middle of the room while running the water to make us think that he is taking a shower.  He has even wet his head at the sink to make it appear that he has shampooed his hair.  This is just one of many behaviors that I see as defiant.  How do you see this behavior?  Am I being unfair in expecting his grandfather to disipline him instead of medicate him?  He has been tested at school.  He is very intelligent.  The school psycharist does not see him as ADD or ADHD.  I want to treat him as my own son but don't feel like I have any support or eveb any agreement.  What next?

[babygirl6152]

these are my thoughts- I was a single mother once and I Saw these things play out in our own home: I did a lot of soul searching about why single parents do the things they do:
The thing that is so a@@ backwards with us in single parent homes is this

When there are single parents as grandpa was- he took on both roles you see? There are 2 roles in a perfectly balanced family with two parents
the "heart" usually played by the mother
and the "head" usually played by the father

since grandpa took on both roles somehow he instinctively knew both "sides/roles" were needed to be played:
in a way we acting as single moms do- which I was in the past, We do the same thing- we are loving nurturing caretakers but also have to be disciplinarians and well. .....it gets chaotic-
That's why we are supposed to be in a family with both mom and dad playing their respective parts. In step families, you see where this all gets sideways too where roles are reversed, mom plays both parts for awhile then remarries and instinctively mom gets over protective and does not want stepdad exerting any authority when he tries to do his job in the new family as "head". Family counseling is in order here IMHO

[Angelinthemorning]

I feel for your situation.  As you do not have custody it's hard for you to have a say in his discipline.  However, he is living in your household and therefor should be expected to follow the house rules.  I do not think this issue can ever be resolved unless you and your husband sit down and agree on your discipline methods. You're fighting a losing battle if the grandson just gets away with it with grandpa.  It always is difficult for grandparents raising their grandchildren.  Grandchildren are meant to be spoiled and have fun with.  Unfortunately, when grandparents have the responsibility of raising them they lose out on all the "fun" of being a grandparent.
You mentioned the school psychologists...Is the child actively seeing a counselor.  I think this could be very helpful in his case.  Did the child ever live with his parents??  If so and he's gone through the lose of a father and basically a mother, I can see him having some behavioral issues.
I would try just sitting down with your husband and see if you can reach some middle ground.  If it's done out of love and explain that you only see this behavior getting worse and worse as the child gets older maybe that will help...