How do I help my aggressive 7 year old?

[workingmom77]

I am a working mother who is married since 2008, with 3 children, two sons who are 5 and 7, and then my step-daughter, who is 18 and not living with us. My situation is that I have two boys that are opposite, my 5 year old does the typical misbehaviors in 4k at school then comes home fine; but my 7 year old is excellent at school, making A's and B's in first grade.  However, when he comes home, there are many times where he is aggressive.  The situations I note are when his brother angers him or teases, he will immediatly try to kick, hit, or hurt his little brother, where his father or I step in to correct it; another is when he is very upset or in a tantrum, he will try to hurt himself by scratching his arm, hitting his head with his hand, or by doing the "fake choke", all while doing a loud whine, repeating what he wants, I followed the advice of trying to ignore it or remain neutral while it is happening as Pediatrician recommended.  She says it may be his sugar due to long school days or being over tired, which could be, some when he is hungry and he does go to bed around 10-10:30pm to awake at 6:30am, short of recommended hours. Additionally, when something happens, he says it is not his fault and tends to blame me a lot or anything near him, such as his brother or even a chair, depending on what happened. However, deep down I think it may be more? His father takes antidepresants and tends to get anxiety or angry when stressed, note he does not hurt our children but just gets more sensitive on disipline like when it is time to get in bath and they do not listen, my step-daughter has ADHD with learning disorders, and my brother was diagnosed with ADD.  Could any of this be at fault or what would you do or recommend that I persue?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Sorry you are having this difficulty.  I have two boys close in age as well and it can be challenging.  First, I'm glad to hear your son is doing so great in school!  That's fantastic!!  Some kids have this problem though . . .  they manage through school (and first grade is a tough transition for lots of kids as expectations change and it goes from a preschool type of situation as kindergartens are still rather like that to full on school with all that comes with that) and then collapse once home.  They kept it together all day and at home, they lose it because it is their 'safe' place.  They can show their worst self (and often do, but don't we all?).  

Now, his behavior is unacceptable obviously.  However, I think it is an expression of his frustration and anger.  Two things to work on--  A.  Teaching him appropriate ways to handle the feelings and emotions.  This is done through reading books on emotions to give him the language to use his words.  Also role playing appropriate ways to handle being mad or upset.  You act it out.  Kids love this.  You can make it funny as you exaggerate the wrong way to handle it.  And then act out the right way.  This allows you to offer him alternatives to what he has been doing.  Instead of hitting his brother or hurting himself, he can a) tell and adult who will intervene, b) go to his private space where his brother is not allowed to cool down, c) practice deep breathing of breath in for 4, hold 4, breath out for 4 and hold 4 repeat.  This calms us down.  Counting also helps.  Opening and closing fists helps to calm us.  d) he can have go to things such as 'knocking the wall over' where he goes up to a wall and pushes as hard as he can.  Some parents will do finger paint hand prints on paper, put them at your kids level on the wall and they put their hands on these and push ---  calling it their helping hands.  These are all strategies to work through bad moments of anger that are acceptable.  If he does THOSE, he'll feel better and not hurt his brother or himself.  So talk through that.

The Second thing to work on is little brother.  :>)  I have two boys and my second is super sweet but knows EXACTLY how to distress his older brother.  Work with him if there is an ongoing problem or trigger.  If he is touching your son's things---  he is told HE is not allowed to do that.  If he is teasing his brother, that's unacceptable.  Words hurt as much as fists.  "Words are not for Hurting" is a book to check out and read to them both.  So, the dynamic of losing his temper can be helped by working on the triggers.  

I agree with Sandman above as well.  Especially that his takes time.  We have to train our kids how to deal with anger and that lesson is for a lifetime.  Hot head adults missed the lessons when they were young.  So, this is important to work on calmly with your child, a work in progress (like we all are).  good luck

[Sandman2]

   Hi, I am also the CL on the ADHD forum here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175  - feel free to ask any related types of questions over there.   For right now, I think that your Pediatrician is on the right track.   However, I have seen kids on the other forum who work so hard to hold it together at school that they just melt down when they get home.  So I think I would talk to his teachers and get a better feeling for how he is doing at school.  Getting A's and B's really means very little.  I have seen lots of intelligent kids with AD/HD do that in first grade.   About 4th grade things began to fall apart.  So talk with his teacher about his attention span, time on task, frustration, etc.   And, I must say, you mentioned a few things going on at home that set off warning bells for me.  The main one being, "Additionally, when something happens, he says it is not his fault and tends to blame me a lot or anything near him."  Kids with either ADHD or ADD can do things impulsively or without thinking.   Many times they may not even realize what they have done - until its too late.  After a while they get tired of being blamed and start making excuses, lying, etc.
      What can you do at home?  There is an excellent set of books which are aimed at this age group.  They are meant  to be read aloud to the kids and then practiced.   You might want to look at "Hands are not for Hitting" , or "Talk and Work it Out", or "Cool Down and Work Through Anger".  You can find information on those books here - http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775
      Basically, you will be trying to show him how to change his behavior and express his anger.  It won't happen overnight.  But, if you get both boys involved, it will make a difference.
   Hope this helps.   Please post if you have any more questions - either here or on the other site I monitor.  Best wishes.