destructive 5 year old

[pamommy]

My daughter just turned 5 a few days ago. Normally she is a well behaved kid as is her 3 year old brother. But lately she has begun to do things that frankly are worrying me. She is an angel at school but when she gets home she changes. She whines, hits her brother, screams, throws fits and breaks things. Today when I got home from work she had climbed to the top of my closet and took the scissors out. She cut holes in my curtains, couch, comforter, blankets and so on. I am at a total loss. Like right now she has been sitting on the floor coloring for the past hour quietly and happy. I could not get her to tell me why she did what she did even when I spoke to her gently. My in laws live with us and watch her and her brother the days they are not in school. My MIL is dying and has about a month to live and I know everyone is upset and on edge. Is this normal curious 5 year old behavior or is there something wrong with her? When she is good she is great. Plus she and her brother are both very intelligent....what can I do???? Help, I am at my wits end, out of ideas and my FIL is saying "my kids never did these things she must be crazy" I know she is not but I am on my way¡

[pamommy]

Thank you all for the suggestions. I've spent more quality time with her this weekend and taken a different approach to her. I've praised her when she's a "good girl" and even though she still had a couple of age expected fits they were NOTHING like what she was doing before. When I started to see her losing it I would gently remind her that while I always love her I really like it when "good" S is here and we talked things out. She was informed that due to the damage she did in my bedroom she is not allowed in there for a while by herself and we are still holding off on the new bike but we did take her out riding on the one she currently has. We had guests over the weekend to come see my MIL and I could not believe how cooperative and well behaved she was. While we will continue to concentrate on being more consistent I think everyone is right about the fact that she wants more attention especially during this time. I think we may be on the road to regaining the sanity in our family!

[benjimom]

Its also hard to live with people who have set expectations about kids and behaviors and make comments. I know they are probably distressed by the damage to the premises.  Also , more people means more stimulation to the child.

[benjimom]

I am sure she feels that someone is dying at home, that is hard for a child to be around.  It changes everyone's mood.  Also everyone needs to be consistent with her.  She might be cutting curtains for attention, children will even do things to get negative attention.  Whatever it takes!!

Make sure she gets an afternoon snack after school, many kids are really hungray and that can make them mean and nasty.

[pamommy]

I do spend a lot of time with her alone: she cooks with me, we do crafts, take walks and so on. But I do think that focusing on rewarding her good behavior is a great idea. I try to do that but of course sometimes forget to make that point with all that is going on right now. She is a very emotional child where as her brother is sort of quiet and easy going and with all the work I put into the care of my MIL and the rest of the family I do tend to "rush" through things and not let her help like she used to. I really like the bean idea, I think she could really get into that. She sleeps well, 8 - 9 hours at night and usually a half hour or hour nap when she gets home from school while she's waiting for me to get home. If she doesn't have her nap then she's unbearable.

[pamommy]

Yes, she does get disciplined but only by myself. I set rules and if she (or her brother) do not follow through and ignore given warnings they are given time outs, privileges or toys taken away or sent to their room (toys are removed). BUT, my husband and in-laws will give into her and her brother if they whine enough so they will stop crying. Is this why she seems to act up more with me? She's getting away with it with everyone else so when I lay down the law she fights more? I've been working with the hubby and in-laws to follow through with the disciplines I feel are appropriate but they do not. But it is a comfort to know that in some aspect this is "normal" and just a by product of her not being disciplined properly. I did punish her for what she did. She was sent to her room and she was informed that the new bike we were going to buy for her would not be purchased because we have to replace all of these things. We will NOT be buying the bike. I agree, especially during this time they need to know that life for the most part are going to remain the same it's just getting everyone else on board with the program.

[mammo]

If she is an angel at school, then she does these things at home because she can!!  She needs more discipline at home, even during this difficult time.  Look at how she is disciplined by you and your in-laws.  Did she get punished for all she did?  If not, this is where the problem lies.  Children will act-up where and with whomever they know they can get by with it.  They need to learn that there are reprocussions for their bad behavior.  If you threaten to punish her, you must always follow thru with it, or she wil learn that it's just talk.