4 yr old son is acting out

[Jwbequine]

I have recently been through a divorce. My 4 yr old son has been visiting with his father on a weekly basis, sometimes for a few hours, and most recently over night. Every time he returns home his behavi is or is out of control. He is swearing, and simply being impossible. I have tryed the "go to your room" thing, and I have have gotten down to his level and firmly explained that this behavior is not ok. NOTHING WORKS!.
I have also communicated with his father about his son. He tells me that he has spoken with his son about it, but what "really going on?'
His father cheated on me which brought about the divorce. He is currently with the girlfriend.

[SL345]

At this age, he may be able to talk with you a little bit about his feelings about the separation/divorce. My suggestion is at a calm time, when he may be a little more open to talking, gently comment on the fact that sometimes when he comes home from dad's house it seems a little hard for him to be a good listener. Tell him he's not in trouble, but it has made you think that it might be a little hard for him to go back and forth between you and his dad's. Ask him if it is ever a little hard for him. If he says no, tell him you liked him to think about it. If he says yes, ask him if he knows why. Whatever he says in response, tell him you understand and you're glad that he can talk to you about it. Explain to him that most kids have many different feelings when their parents can't live together anymore: angry, scared, worried sad. Ask him if he ever feels any of these feelings. Tell him that this may be a hard time for all of you but reassure him that it will get better. As he gets older he may be able to tell you what's especially hard for him about the separation. He may be angry that he has to leave his dad and he takes those feelings out on you. See if he'd like to work out a special arrangement with you for when he gets home that would help make the change from one place to another go easier. Ask if he has any ideas. It might be drawing, or some alone time, or a special snack, or watching tv together. It doesn't matter what it is - just that he agree to work on this. Then, when he has a hard time again, which he probably will, remind him of your talk and see if he's willing to try one of the things you discussed. There are some good children's books on divorce too. He might also benefit from a program for divorced children - some schools have programs such as Banana Splits. Keep working at it and hang in there.

[Jwbequine]

Thank you for your response. I do tend to ask questions such as "what did you eat for supper?" I will stop that I guess. I sense that there may be anger upon his arrival home, But not understanding why he'd be angry, I simply don't know what to do with it? I will try anything to help my son through this traumatic period. So don't be afraid to get honest and direct. I need to understand in order to help him. He can't voice it...so ANY suggestions will be appreciated.

[Lovesadkids]

I'm sorry your ex cheated on you.  It will be really easy for you to blame him for your son's behavior, but you still have to help your little boy transition back to you.  Is he acting like he's angry when he comes home?  Try having paper and crayons waiting for him and let him draw "all about" his time with Dad.  Don't ask him questions - let him be until he settles down.  You might also try playing down his arrival home - make it casual, everyday-like to lift some stress off of him.