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impulsive son
My son is 6 and for as long as I can remember, he's been impulsive. At first, I blamed age, then discipline, then food.Now I know I'm disciplining him well and have been for the past 3 years. I limit his sugar intake with everything he eats; I've stopped cereal because most have a rediculous amount of sugar, even oatmeal, I buy only the lower sure or weight kinds, if there's an option for sugar free in any food we buy, I choose that. He eats a balanced meal every meal time. We stay active and give him an outlet for his energy. Not that I'm comparing him, but, his behavior differs from his friends. It's really starting to effect him socially. When we go to a friends, he has friends over, he's playing with the neighborhood kids or he's at home wih his brother and sister, we have the same issues. Someone ends up irritated that he can't stop adjitating. Someone ends up hurt because he can't be careful. I have tried several different methods of discipline. Currently we use a color chart and he has to go down a color when he can't stop after being asked the first time or he's not careful and ends up hurting someone with his actions. He has to go to time out and/or write sentences. He's a good kid with a kind heart, he'd never intentionally hurt anyone and hates getting in trouble, yet he can't seem to stop. Everytime I turn around, someone's crying or doesn't want to play with him. I don't know what to do. I can't stand when kids don't want to play with him. I know the reason and do everything I can to correct it, yet nothing seems to help. Any suggestions?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Great breakfast that he is getting! Doubt that food would be any kind of a problem now.
I am curious about your statement that, "His 1st grade teacher noticed that as the day went on, he was able to sit still longer, focus and follow directions better." That's interesting. I should have asked in my first post - but when is his birthday?
Also, have you noticed any signs of sleep apnea?
When he gets home from school, does he tend to fall apart? Are his weekends better or worse then after school days?
Back to the ADHD issue (briefly). I don't know (as I said), if he has it or not - still a lot of questions to answer. I do know that you have a lot of misinformation. Very quickly- if he does have ADHD, it does not mean he has to go on medication (that is always your choice). It would mean that the way he is disciplined would change to fit the problem. It also means he might qualify for a 504 plan which could help him in school. Meds are not really "trial and error". The guidelines state to start a child on the lowest dose and slowly adjust upward (thats where the trial and error comes in). And, I could go on for a long time. If you want more info so you can make an informed decision about your child - please post over on the ADHD forum so we don't tie up this space.
Anyway, all of specialmoms ideas should help. I just worry about a child that, " knows the consequence, hates to get "in trouble" yet it doesn't stop him." It would probably be worth your time to check out the SIDs site on medhelp - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Sensory-Integration-Disorder-SID/show/1396 Specialmom is the CL there.
I am curious about your statement that, "His 1st grade teacher noticed that as the day went on, he was able to sit still longer, focus and follow directions better." That's interesting. I should have asked in my first post - but when is his birthday?
Also, have you noticed any signs of sleep apnea?
When he gets home from school, does he tend to fall apart? Are his weekends better or worse then after school days?
Back to the ADHD issue (briefly). I don't know (as I said), if he has it or not - still a lot of questions to answer. I do know that you have a lot of misinformation. Very quickly- if he does have ADHD, it does not mean he has to go on medication (that is always your choice). It would mean that the way he is disciplined would change to fit the problem. It also means he might qualify for a 504 plan which could help him in school. Meds are not really "trial and error". The guidelines state to start a child on the lowest dose and slowly adjust upward (thats where the trial and error comes in). And, I could go on for a long time. If you want more info so you can make an informed decision about your child - please post over on the ADHD forum so we don't tie up this space.
Anyway, all of specialmoms ideas should help. I just worry about a child that, " knows the consequence, hates to get "in trouble" yet it doesn't stop him." It would probably be worth your time to check out the SIDs site on medhelp - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Sensory-Integration-Disorder-SID/show/1396 Specialmom is the CL there.
Wow! Thank you so much!! Special Mom! It really sounds like you have experienced the same things as I am. I've not heard of this before and There are some similarities to ADD, but, there's a lot of things included in ADD symptoms, that he doesn't experience. I was told that was because there were different degrees of ADD, maybe his was less. But, now that I know there is another possibility and to hear that your son has been diagnosed with it and has had the same issues, really helps! Thank you and thank you for your ideas as well. If you really don't mind, I'd love to email you when I can't come up to a solution. I love the suggestions you've offered and will be trying those for now.
Oh, my son does not take medication with his sensory issues. I will tell you what can happen on a play date with my son. He is thrilled to be having one and gets really excited. Then his friend shows up and whamo . . . he is overexcited and has a hard time controlling himself. He too knows what he should and shouldn't do but it goes out the window when the friend is actually there. Ugh.
We've got things in place to combat this. Basically sensory involves the nervous system (like add/adhd) and when a child is over excited or overwhelmed or keyed up . . . they become more impulsive, less able to recall the rules, and more hyper (in my son's case anyway). If you think of the brain having lots of little gates that hold things in their right place typically . . . and when a child gets excited, the gates lift and the brain goes "WEEEEE". Goodbye ability to 'blend' in. It can be frustrating to watch as a parent because we so want our children to connect and be accepted and we know that they want that too and we've worked on this and that to help them . . . and then they act so kooky with their friends.
So, I feel ya. I know what you are talking about.
We do a routine of exercises before a play date that help him stay calm and maintain himself during the play date. We have go to things that he can do as he gets revved up on the play date. And I have play date agendas that I switch to if things start to go bad.
I do have a lot of play dates at my house so that I can oversee and help my son through. It has become less necessary to do this as he's gotten older (he is now 8) but it helped to guide him quietly on his play dates. We came up with signals and codes to help him when he was being obnoxious or crossing the line.
Here is a personal space idea---- put your arms straight out and walk like a robot. Then have him do it. Then talk about 'robot arms'. Talk about how he is not to get any closer than 'robot arms' to his friends. Then when on a play date, you simply say "robot arms" and he knows he's too close.
If you need any other ideas, let me know! Been there. (still are there occasionally.) luck and peace
We've got things in place to combat this. Basically sensory involves the nervous system (like add/adhd) and when a child is over excited or overwhelmed or keyed up . . . they become more impulsive, less able to recall the rules, and more hyper (in my son's case anyway). If you think of the brain having lots of little gates that hold things in their right place typically . . . and when a child gets excited, the gates lift and the brain goes "WEEEEE". Goodbye ability to 'blend' in. It can be frustrating to watch as a parent because we so want our children to connect and be accepted and we know that they want that too and we've worked on this and that to help them . . . and then they act so kooky with their friends.
So, I feel ya. I know what you are talking about.
We do a routine of exercises before a play date that help him stay calm and maintain himself during the play date. We have go to things that he can do as he gets revved up on the play date. And I have play date agendas that I switch to if things start to go bad.
I do have a lot of play dates at my house so that I can oversee and help my son through. It has become less necessary to do this as he's gotten older (he is now 8) but it helped to guide him quietly on his play dates. We came up with signals and codes to help him when he was being obnoxious or crossing the line.
Here is a personal space idea---- put your arms straight out and walk like a robot. Then have him do it. Then talk about 'robot arms'. Talk about how he is not to get any closer than 'robot arms' to his friends. Then when on a play date, you simply say "robot arms" and he knows he's too close.
If you need any other ideas, let me know! Been there. (still are there occasionally.) luck and peace
First of all, thank you all for your responses. They are all helpful and give me solutions I've not tried. I'm glad I chose to post the issue!
First thing..when I said, " I know the reason and do everything I can to correct it." , I meant I know why the kids tend to leave him out. I hate putting it like that, but, when he can't listen when asked to stop and ends up hurting someone everytime he plays, I can't pretend I don't know why he's being left out and I'm doing everything I know to do to stop him from repeating the same issues.
We have several books about behavior. Infact whatever the issue, I usually have a book to go with it. One's my kids enjoy, like the berenstain bears, how to be a friend, little critter, etc. We read them, talk about them and when I ask him what to do in different situations, he has all the right answers. But, an hour later, it doesn't change his actions when faced with the same situation. He doesn't hit, rather, adjitates; poking, placing the blanket wraped around him over someone else, continuing to chase when they've asked him to stop, repeating obnoxious noises, not letting go when giving a hug and squeezing too hard, things like this. Most are playful, yet, can become annoying or even hurt. He laughs and thinks he's having fun, they have to be too and seems to think they're just playing when they ask him to stop. Kind of like when someone's tickling you and you playfully tell them to stop and are actually enjoying it. This is what he seems to think is happening each time he's asked to stop.
His 1st grade teacher noticed that as the day went on, he was able to sit still longer, focus and follow directions better. So, rather then jumping to the adhd conclusion, I changed his breakfast from sugary cereals to sugar free oatmeal, sugar free pancakes with sugar free syrups, eggs, bacon, things with less sugar. We both saw a difference. It didn't resolve the issues completely, but, definately helped. I know that sugar makes my son hyper. I can watch the change in him while half way through whatever he's eating. So, I disagree that sugar can not lead to hyperactivy. She also agreed that it's not a matter of discipline, he knows the consequence, hates to get "in trouble" yet it doesn't stop him.
I love the role playing idea! That sounds fun and I can see how that would stick better then sentences he's dreading writing. I love everything specialmom has suggested as well. I'm looking foward to trying all of these!
I feel like too many kids are being diagnosed with adhd. I don't want him to be diagnosed, it really not be the issue and be placed on medicine that he doesn't need. I've been told that it's trial and error prescribing the right medicine. If the first one doesn't help, they'll try a new. How many medicines will they prescribe before determining that adhd is not the issue? How will these medicines effect him in the mean time? That's what scares me about seeing a therapist or doctor.
First thing..when I said, " I know the reason and do everything I can to correct it." , I meant I know why the kids tend to leave him out. I hate putting it like that, but, when he can't listen when asked to stop and ends up hurting someone everytime he plays, I can't pretend I don't know why he's being left out and I'm doing everything I know to do to stop him from repeating the same issues.
We have several books about behavior. Infact whatever the issue, I usually have a book to go with it. One's my kids enjoy, like the berenstain bears, how to be a friend, little critter, etc. We read them, talk about them and when I ask him what to do in different situations, he has all the right answers. But, an hour later, it doesn't change his actions when faced with the same situation. He doesn't hit, rather, adjitates; poking, placing the blanket wraped around him over someone else, continuing to chase when they've asked him to stop, repeating obnoxious noises, not letting go when giving a hug and squeezing too hard, things like this. Most are playful, yet, can become annoying or even hurt. He laughs and thinks he's having fun, they have to be too and seems to think they're just playing when they ask him to stop. Kind of like when someone's tickling you and you playfully tell them to stop and are actually enjoying it. This is what he seems to think is happening each time he's asked to stop.
His 1st grade teacher noticed that as the day went on, he was able to sit still longer, focus and follow directions better. So, rather then jumping to the adhd conclusion, I changed his breakfast from sugary cereals to sugar free oatmeal, sugar free pancakes with sugar free syrups, eggs, bacon, things with less sugar. We both saw a difference. It didn't resolve the issues completely, but, definately helped. I know that sugar makes my son hyper. I can watch the change in him while half way through whatever he's eating. So, I disagree that sugar can not lead to hyperactivy. She also agreed that it's not a matter of discipline, he knows the consequence, hates to get "in trouble" yet it doesn't stop him.
I love the role playing idea! That sounds fun and I can see how that would stick better then sentences he's dreading writing. I love everything specialmom has suggested as well. I'm looking foward to trying all of these!
I feel like too many kids are being diagnosed with adhd. I don't want him to be diagnosed, it really not be the issue and be placed on medicine that he doesn't need. I've been told that it's trial and error prescribing the right medicine. If the first one doesn't help, they'll try a new. How many medicines will they prescribe before determining that adhd is not the issue? How will these medicines effect him in the mean time? That's what scares me about seeing a therapist or doctor.
Well, I'm going to go a route that I take sometimes when someone posts things that ring bells for me that sound like my own child. My son has sensory integration disorder. Impulsiveness and trouble with friends, over activity are all common with my son. You can google sensory integration disorder to see if it sounds familiar at all.
Adhd, as mentioned above, also has similar characteristics.
There are activities that help a child calm down his system. They involve what is called 'heavy work' (term used by occupational therapists). Whether my child had sensory integration disorder, adhd, or was just quirky, I'd start doing some of these activities. Most kids think they are fun but they target the nervous system directly. Things like having him lay face down on the floor and then using a big exercise ball as a 'steam roller' and rolling it up and down him providing deep pressure. Doing animal walks such as crab walk, bear walk, and leap frog. Doing some push ups. Carrying some heavy books across the room to 'help'. Chewing a thick piece of bubble gum.
We've done actual social skills training and still work on this a lot. We work on it with our occupational therapist. Psychologists for children also will work on this but from another angle. One of the big things is to help kids understand their job of being a good friend. To set up a place for them to go off to that they can calm themselves (when agitated). To have the 'friend' be more important than the game. To have go to calming activites as his 'engine' revs up with friends or in school or what have you. This includes helping him recognize when he is getting revved up.
Yes, sandman mentions role playing. We have done a lot of that in order to illustrate desired behavior.
When a child is motivated for friends--- you can help them along! Hang in there. Peace
Adhd, as mentioned above, also has similar characteristics.
There are activities that help a child calm down his system. They involve what is called 'heavy work' (term used by occupational therapists). Whether my child had sensory integration disorder, adhd, or was just quirky, I'd start doing some of these activities. Most kids think they are fun but they target the nervous system directly. Things like having him lay face down on the floor and then using a big exercise ball as a 'steam roller' and rolling it up and down him providing deep pressure. Doing animal walks such as crab walk, bear walk, and leap frog. Doing some push ups. Carrying some heavy books across the room to 'help'. Chewing a thick piece of bubble gum.
We've done actual social skills training and still work on this a lot. We work on it with our occupational therapist. Psychologists for children also will work on this but from another angle. One of the big things is to help kids understand their job of being a good friend. To set up a place for them to go off to that they can calm themselves (when agitated). To have the 'friend' be more important than the game. To have go to calming activites as his 'engine' revs up with friends or in school or what have you. This includes helping him recognize when he is getting revved up.
Yes, sandman mentions role playing. We have done a lot of that in order to illustrate desired behavior.
When a child is motivated for friends--- you can help them along! Hang in there. Peace
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, welcome to our community. I think we will be able to give you some helpful suggestions.
I am curious though. You said, " I know the reason and do everything I can to correct it." It would really help us to know what the reason for his problem is. So what do you think it is?
Its gotta be kind of maddening that for 3 years you have tried all the standard things (sounds like you have done them pretty well too), and its not working.
Well, let me suggest two things that you haven't (apparently) yet tried.
The first is to add teaching him how to behave instead of punishing him for his actions. There are several good sets of books aimed at the 4 to 7 year old crowd that are meant to be read aloud to them. And then practiced, and reread, and practiced, and reread, and practiced, etc.
A good start might be, "Hands are not for hitting" found here - http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775 and if you scroll down you will find other great books.
You can change some of his behaviors by showing him new ones. The hard part is that you have to practice these again and again until they become part of his normal actions.
Annie's post leads to the second thing. When you have tried and tried and its not working then perhaps its something that the child really can't control. This is where a therapist can be helpful. Specifically, he has many symptoms of ADHD. And if he does have ADHD, it would explain why all the things you have tried haven't been very successful. And its possible that he does not have ADHD. If he is the oldest with two younger siblings, it could be an attention thing. It could be sleep apnea. Point being its hard to tell in your short post. I am also the CL in the ADHD forum here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175. ;
If you would like to explore this possibility more - please post over there and I will give you my undivided attention.
But back to other things. What is he getting for breakfast? Fact: Sugar consumption has not been linked to ADHD or even to hyperactivity. However, some studies suggest a link between food additives such as food coloring and hyperactive behavior, but only in about 5% of people with ADHD.doctor. There are cereals with no sugar. I eat shredded wheat minis and add a lot of fruit. If he is not getting a certain amount of carbos in the most important meal of the day - that also could be a problem.
Oh, and just a personal thing. As a young teacher I used to make kids write sentences when they messed up. As I became more experienced, I completely stopped that. Its a huge waste of time. If you want him to repeat something that will help him. Have him role play with you how to do the right thing.
Final question for now - at least. He is 6. Has he been in preschool? Kindergarten? What do his teachers say?
So lots of stuff going on. I don't think we will find answers overnight - but you have been trying for what 3 years - so a few more posts shouldn't be to bad. Get back to us.
I am curious though. You said, " I know the reason and do everything I can to correct it." It would really help us to know what the reason for his problem is. So what do you think it is?
Its gotta be kind of maddening that for 3 years you have tried all the standard things (sounds like you have done them pretty well too), and its not working.
Well, let me suggest two things that you haven't (apparently) yet tried.
The first is to add teaching him how to behave instead of punishing him for his actions. There are several good sets of books aimed at the 4 to 7 year old crowd that are meant to be read aloud to them. And then practiced, and reread, and practiced, and reread, and practiced, etc.
A good start might be, "Hands are not for hitting" found here - http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775 and if you scroll down you will find other great books.
You can change some of his behaviors by showing him new ones. The hard part is that you have to practice these again and again until they become part of his normal actions.
Annie's post leads to the second thing. When you have tried and tried and its not working then perhaps its something that the child really can't control. This is where a therapist can be helpful. Specifically, he has many symptoms of ADHD. And if he does have ADHD, it would explain why all the things you have tried haven't been very successful. And its possible that he does not have ADHD. If he is the oldest with two younger siblings, it could be an attention thing. It could be sleep apnea. Point being its hard to tell in your short post. I am also the CL in the ADHD forum here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175. ;
If you would like to explore this possibility more - please post over there and I will give you my undivided attention.
But back to other things. What is he getting for breakfast? Fact: Sugar consumption has not been linked to ADHD or even to hyperactivity. However, some studies suggest a link between food additives such as food coloring and hyperactive behavior, but only in about 5% of people with ADHD.doctor. There are cereals with no sugar. I eat shredded wheat minis and add a lot of fruit. If he is not getting a certain amount of carbos in the most important meal of the day - that also could be a problem.
Oh, and just a personal thing. As a young teacher I used to make kids write sentences when they messed up. As I became more experienced, I completely stopped that. Its a huge waste of time. If you want him to repeat something that will help him. Have him role play with you how to do the right thing.
Final question for now - at least. He is 6. Has he been in preschool? Kindergarten? What do his teachers say?
So lots of stuff going on. I don't think we will find answers overnight - but you have been trying for what 3 years - so a few more posts shouldn't be to bad. Get back to us.
See a children's therapist. Talk over what he is doing and what you have tried, and then have the therapist talk to him and do an evaluation and offer you some suggestions.
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