my daughter is a bully!

[kgfrustrated]

Help! My 7 yr old daughter has been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder.  she seems to care very little about other people's feelings and often will cause harm to others. I feel really alone because I'm that parent with the bully! Yesterday she was angry because a boy younger than her said your too scared to chase me.  So she chased him but took ut too far. She then cauggg him by his hood and wouldn't let go until a friend of his came to help and he started crying cause he felt he was being Choked.  The boy had red marks all over his neck. Then, while he was scared and upset she said to him that's what you get for messing with a grade 2 er!  
I'm so upset. I have to deal with the school
so much. We are doing so much for her and I feel so doubtful that she will change. Why does she just not care?  

[jemma116]

You do not say how she is at home. Does she have any other siblings?  You do not need to answer that, it is just a thought.

There seems to be a lot of "labelling" these days for child behaviour.  

You do not say also whether she has been referred to a child psychologist.
With unruly behaviour there is sometimes an underlying cause.  

Has she been exposed to this sort of behaviour at home or anywhere else?  Watching violent films; films not suitable for her age?  Are you disciplining her at home when she is out of order at home (time out)?  Is she more unruly when she is tired or coming down with an illness?  Is she eating well and not eating junk foods and drinking fizzy drinks and foods and drinks with E numbers?  

Are you showing her lots of love and affection and have a good relationship with her and spending quality time with her, doing things together?  Sometimes children can be unruly when they are seeking attention.  

Does she have any hobbies or outlets outside of school?  This would help to use up her pent up emotions and focus on something she enjoys to do - play some sports or go swimming, take her out to the park and play ball or home badminton, etc.

When you do things like cooking or baking, get her involved and give her things she can do.  Children love to bake.

These are all the things that should be considered.

If she is "naughty" that is the time to deal with issues straight away.  There is no point in dishing out any punishment after the event, although you could ask why she did it and explain that that type of behaviour is unacceptable and how would she feel if someone did that to her.

Make sure that she has a healthy and well balanced diet with plenty of fruit and vegetables and drinks - water, milk, diluted squash (not too much).  
Cut down or cut out completely sugary foods, sweets, biscuits, cakes etc.  Offer these as occasional treats.  If she wants a sugar food, offer a piece of fruit.

Ensure that she has a good sleep hygiene.  Children who are tired and don't have a routine can exhibit aggressive behaviour.  Ensure that she has a good routine before bedtime - getting bathed or showered, brushing her teeth.  Get into a routine so things are not rushed before bedtime.  You do not say at what time you put her to bed, but I find 7.30 or 8pm is fine for this age group.  Lie down with her and read her a bed time story - allow her to choose her story.

If she throws a "tantrum" put her into her room and leave her alone.  You cannot reason with anyone (child or adult) who is having a "tantrum".  Once in an "tantrum" there is a process the brain goes through and you need to let it ride its course.  You can talk to her afterwards and say that type of behaviour is unacceptable.

Ask your daughter's teacher how she is in the classroom environment.  She may be bullied and because of this may be "bullying" younger children.

Be firm, but still show her love and affection.  

Things won't change overnight, but be patient and follow the advice I have given you.  If your daughter has not been referred to a child psychologist or other child specialist, ask for a referral.

Best of luck

[Sandman2]

    Well, yesterday is probably not the best example as she well may have been goaded into that result.  But some things to do.   I would  look into buying "Cool down and work through anger" or "When I feel angry". This is part of a series of books aimed at 4 to 7 year olds and meant to be read to them at night (several times) and then practiced.  Kids do need to be taught how to deal with anger.  You do not try and use these techniques while she is angry.  But once she stops or later on in the day - you can refer back to them or pull the books back out.
You can find them here -  http://www.amazon.com/Cool-Through-Anger-Learning-Along/dp/1575423464/ref=pd_sim_b_5
     Hands are not for hitting is also a good book.  It can be found here http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775
      Hopefully, the school does more then just call you.  At this age its pretty hard to change a school behavior with things you do at home.  The school needs to be taking an active roll too.
      Finally, I always wonder when i hear an ODD case if the child does not also have ADHD.   good link here - http://www.livescience.com/22362-adhd-symptoms-guide.html
      The reason I mention ADHD is that 40% of kids with ADHD have ODD.   It follows that a lot of kids with ODD then also have ADHD.  Which also makes me wonder what kind of  a doctor did the ODD diagnosis?
       Anyway, here is a good link on ADHD an ODD - http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/26/slide-1.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=December
        I would have to know a lot more about what your daughter is doing to offer more specific advise.  If it does seem like she also might have ADHD, you can also post to me over here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175