what to do when nothing works

[trying2deal]

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years we are expecting a little one in november. This will be my first but he has a 7 year old from a pervious marriage. His daughter has a very out of contol behavior. She comes every other weekend and it is very uninjoyable for me. For example:
           This weekend she was sitting at our computer desk with her toy barbie laptop she started with earphones in because thats our rule if she is going to play with loud toys in the livingroom she must wear the earphones. She took the earphones out of the computer and turned it up I told her to put the earphones back in. She screamed and told me that the t.v. was too loud. I repeated to put the earphones back in. She screamed NO! I told her to put them back in or the computer was getting put up and she would not get to play with it at all. She continued to scream and not listin so I got out of my chair and took the computer off the desk and walked to my room with it. The whole way to the room she pulled on my shirt screaming. When we got to my room she kicked me, hit me, pintched me, and also tried to bite me. I put the computer on the top shelf in my closet. She continued to scream and cry. Her dad was in the bathroom right next to our bedroom. I helped her out of the room. and shut the door. She waited outside the bathroom door and screamed and cried. When her dad exited the bathroom he said where is it. She said she put it up there. He grabed the computer and gave it back to her.

I just dont know what to do it makes us fight because i tell him that she acts like that because he give in and he thinks that i am just trying to be mean and that i am jelious of her i love his daughter and i would love her more if she would just listin. I want to nip this in the bud now before the baby come along not only and i scared she will hurt the baby out of rage but. when the baby gets older i dont want it to act the same way.

[nyneave_almera]

I agree he needs to work with you on parenting and be a team. Otherwise it will never stop. You dolled out a punishment by taking the computer. That should had been the end of it. I'm sorry you will probably have trouble with this for your lives together.

[specialmom]

Did I say that is my opinion only?  Well, it is.  I think you could have a non defensive conversation with your bf about parenting.  You have a child on the way------  so you  have the perfect excuse to talk about things.  Don't get all mad------- and criticize him and his daughter or the conversation will end------ but talk calmly about how you see kids, behavior, respect and dicipline and the roles you and he should play.  See where you get with that.  good luck

[specialmom]

Honestly, I just don't think you are looking at this the right way.  She's not being manipulated by her mother to show you zero respect.  Come on.  She's 7.  She's a little girl.  You have to look at this differently or you will be forever miserable.  You are fighting to be right but being right will not bring peace to your home.  If she is the worst brat in the world (which she does not sound like)-------  you still need to understand that you signed on for it.  And if you want to have a different scenario in your home you should 1:  make sure that she feels loved, safe, has fun there, and feels special (not just sit, follow rules and behave because she will act out under those circumstances) and 2:  if you have discipline and respect issues going on in the home, you and your bf need to be on the same page.  Address it with him and don't be mad at her.  That will get you no where and tread lightly.  Step parenting is tricky business.  It can destroy a relationship completely if handled incorrectly.  I'm not trying to be harsh with you but urging you to change your thought process on this because right now you are headed torward disaster.  good luck

[trying2deal]

Thank you all so much for the advise I understand that how she feels my parents seperated when i was only 4 i know what its like to live in 2 seperate homes. But I know that my dad put the fear in me and i never direpected my step mother the way she does. Also she does not know that i am pregnant yet we both have decided to wait for a while to tell her. I think that its her mother telling her to act this way. She never acts that way for her and is a perfect example child in school. She called me a "b"  one day and told me that her mom said she was allowed to call me that and anyother name she wanted. I never said that I dont enjoy her its her attitude that i dont enjoy and this fits are not just at home they are in public as well. I understand fully what she feels i just think that her dad needs to make her repect me and he wont he just thinks that i am making her listin to be mean to her and that is not the case at all i really love her she just need him to disapline her. He says he doesnt want her to hate him. But he is going to wish me made her listin as a child when you soon becomes an out of control teen.

[RockRose]

You're going to be without your husband and the father of your baby if you don't cut this little child some slack.  Her world is shaken.  Her father has now moved on from her,  and his new wife is pregnant with her replacement.

She's only there every other weekend - almost no time at all.  I would let her listen to her music loud if she wants.  

In her mind you've taken her dad from her and replaced her with the baby you're carrying.  I think that calls for a lot of flexibility on your part,  which isn't easy.

Best wishes.  

[specialmom]

Oh dear.  Congratulations about the baby but wished you had posted this before getting pregnant.  Here is the deal----------  you problem is a relationship problem.  She's just a little girl.  She has some instability as all kids with parents living in seperate houses will.  You will have to deal with her for the rest of your relationship with her dad whether it is enjoyable or not and I would do your best to make it enjoyable.  You need to befriend her and find lots of things to like about her.  Her dad needs to enforce fules and be in charge of discipline.  If you have an issue with her rules---------  take it up with dad privately.  It is not her fault for her father not following through with your wishes per your example.  He didn't agree with you either.
And I do think that you need to have rules for the house but make dad in charge of it.  Otherwise, you will have a tense relationship with her and this will cause lots of friction between you and your boyfriend.  If you didn't have a baby on the way I would tell you to move on from this man as he has this child and I think you will have lots of issues between you because of it.  She may get jealous about a new baby-------  most kids in that situation would.  She needs empathy with that.  But as far as how to handle a tantrum------  I can't help you.  Her father needs to address it.  My opinion only and I wish you the best for a peaceful pregnancy and relationship with this young girl.