sociopath or just a difficult child?

[stepmom907]

I am a stepmom for a 13 year old boy whose biological mother and father were both drug users in his younger years. He was consequently taken away by his paternal grandmother, who his mother told him was the mean grandma, at the age of 8 years old. The boy did not know how to read or tie his shoes when she took him from them. He was failing school and rarely went. The grandmother kept him in church and raised him the best she could for four years. She tried to teach him social ettiquette, morals and values. Fast forward four years, his father when he lost him quit using drugs, the mother did not. The mother would make many promises in letters of her return one day to take him away to a place where they could be together, far away from the mean grandmother. The father was given visitations and allowed to keep him over nights. I met his father and we married a year later. I was aware of the child and thought he was quite loving, however, as time went on he began to show his true colors. He has been living with us for two years and within that time he has been in constant trouble. He first began lying even about non important things. His grades have been atroshious, we have tried punishing him by taking away his favorite things, everything from video games to reading. Heck, now he has been grounded to his room with nothing to do but his homework. His grades are improving but his behavior is not. He is allowed to come out and socialize only at dinner. He manipulates his father to get what he wants, he has even made his father feel guilty about what has happened in the past. (Not that he doesn't already have guilt.) One time when the child was allowed to spend the night with his mother she had asked him to clean up after himself, he kept putting it off to play his video game. Eventually she became upset with him and told him to turn off the video game and clean up, he told her "I will just tell Dad not to bring me over here anymore." Another example, he asked his mother for 4 mcburgers from mcdonalds when she said no he said, " Dad would let me have them." While he is on punishment he has continuously brought into his room reading material or toys of some sort and hide them. When he is caught he says " because I wanted it." When asked what about the consequences, do you not care about being punished further? He says, " No. I didn't even think about it." I recently found this website and have been thinking he fits into the sociopath category. Thankfully he has not been violent.  I fear he could be as he begins to go through puberty.  I have a 1 year old son with his father and am very surprised he shows no jealousy.  I would think it natural for him to feel jealous, espcially considering his own past. My question I suppose is this, how do we deal with this? How do we punish a child who doesn't seem to care that he is in trouble? He seems to only be thinking about how he can keep from being bored, not keep from being punished.

[CentralVirginian]

His behavior doesn't sound that abnormal for a 13 year old.  At that age they are still children and haven't learned how to be adults yet.  It's not realistic to expect that they act and think and empathize like adults.  If they did, they wouldn't need parents to take care of them, to guide them, and to teach them.   He's a work in progress, and with lots of love, time and patience, he's got many years to grow up to be a well adjusted adult.  It takes a lot of patience, love and time to raise children.  

[Sandman2]

   Well, he certainly has some of the signs of ADHD which would explain a lot.  Have you looked into that?  Is he having problems at school too - or only at home?

[Halflink03]

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with the last 2 posts. There's only so much you can exscuse for having a hard life. The boy is old enough and knows better! I am going through the same thing with my stepson. He is 8 now and has tried to light our puppy on fire, acted out physically to my kids, has zero remorse for anything he does. When we ask him why he did that, he just says I don't know or no answer. We have tried getting him help and everyone tries to say it's for attention. Well I'm over that exscuse. Both positive and negative reinforcement doesn't work. His mom is a drug addict who has not seen him since his first birthday and currently running from the police. To make it even better, my husband is not his biological father and the real dad is more crazy that the mother is. I feel your pain, I'm still trying to find answers. I'm curious is he has gotten better since you posted this?

[mammo]

Blended families can, and often do work.  But I don't feel the emphasis is being put where it belongs and that's on getting this boy some help.  He's had a lousy life, and is acting out as a result, your first sign that he needs help should have been when he didn't respond to punishment.  He is in no way "showing his true colors" he is a troubled child and with good reason!!!  He needs counseling and you and his father as well.  It saddens me that this boy is being punished for things out of his control.  He has to feel like nobody cares. he has learned not to trust, had lost everyone at one point in his life, why would he worry about anything at all???  He a lost little boy, and needs to be treated with respect and maybe you will get some in return.  Please get him some help, you cannot expect him to have come thru all this unaffected.  Then you and your husband seek therapy on how to deal with the boy and undo all your husband and wife did to this poor child.  He is in no way at fault, and punishment is not the answer!

[RockRose]

Stepmom,  I can't believe my eyes reading your post.

He's had a miserable life,  and now he has to stay in his room from the time he comes home from school until the time he goes to bed except to come out for dinner,  with nothing at all to do except schoolwork (hello,  he's already been at school 7+ hours!).  

And you think he's sociopathic partly because he's not jealous of your baby.

I really can't even believe what I'm reading.

I think you need to go talk to a therapist about your anger against him.  What you are saying is abusive,  and bizarre,  in my opinion.

And his father sounds weak.  Of course he feels guilty,  look at the life he's created for this boy - first leaving the mom and now bring you into the picture,  who have no empathy for him at all.

Blended families rarely work,  and it's stories like this that make me want to cry.

[Sandman2]

  I would think that a better course of action would be to get him some help..   Obviously, the punishing is not working - well, at least what you are trying.
   If his mother was on drugs when she was pregnant its always possible there was lasting brain damage.
   If he missed virtually all of school till third grade.  He will have serious reading problems.  If grandma did not get him into public schools, but used a church school instead - he would be even farther behind due usually to lack of help for special needs kids.
   Problem is that in school you are judged everyday.  If you are so far behind (and many things can cause this), you get tired (very frustrated) and give up.  Once you give up there, its pretty easy to give up everywhere.
  Talk to his school if any of the above seems possible and get some testing done.  I am surprised they haven't suggested it already.  He needs extra help, and the school is a good place to start.
    I am glad to know that he is not showing signs of jealousy.  But knowing how much attention a new baby needs, I would think that he has not been getting the attention he once had.  Try to give a bit more positive attention.  
    I think that only letting him out of his room for dinner is kind of extreme.  You might want to check out the love and logic book or the web site - http://www.loveandlogic.com/  for methods that will be more useful and helpful.  
Best wishes.

[granny27292]

I also was a stepmother and had a son that did not care. So one day his father and I decided to go to the police and told them what was going on and asked them if there was a program to scare him into the real life and they came and got our son and put him in a camp(sry don't remember the name of camp) and when he came home we did not know our own child he was so changed so maybe there is somthing like that you can do--hope I was of some help