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Extreme anxiety about paternity
Hi - it’s nice to see an active & supportive community here. I just wanted some input about my situation. I know it’s probably unlikely but want some reassurance from other people. Thanks in advance!
To begin, my cycles are usually less than 28 days. I would say I average around 24-26 day cycles and my periods last 5-6 days. So I started a period on August 20th 2022, however I had unprotected sex with Guy A during menstruation August 20th-22nd. He did finish inside of me on the 20th and the other two days were pull out method. I never have sex with this guy again after these encounters.
I had sex with Guy B on August 29th, who also finished inside of me. When I checked my period app, this was suggested to one of my high fertility days so I took a plan B. But from this point on, I am only having sex with this guy.
I started my period on September 12th but anxiety has me thinking back wondering if I can completely trust this was my true period. I know I used tampons for this, but I can’t help but think back like “omg was my flow the same, did it last as long as usual” etc. Anyway, I cannot list all the days we had sex in Sept, but I know we had sex on Sept 25th with him finishing in me. Any other time in Sept would’ve been pull out method. On my period app, the 25th was the first day outside of my “high fertility window” meaning the calendar was showing my high fertility days were the 19th-24th. I know these apps are not accurate for tracking ovulation but just giving as much info as possible. I also assume August’s Plan B could’ve also affected me for the month of Sept and shifted my dates. So fast forward to October, I miss my period. I don’t remember what day(s) my period was supposed come but on Oct 4th I took a pregnancy test (not using first mornings urine) around 4pm and it was negative. I ended up testing again with first morning urine on Oct 8th and got a positive result.
On Oct 9th, I went to get an abdominal ultrasound at a boutique and all she could see was a “swollen uterus”. I went back on Oct 19th and the sac at least was present. I have anxiety over the Oct 9th scan, because one time my OBGYN told me via Pap smear/pelvic exam that my uterus was slightly tilted towards my back, so it makes me wonder if the abdominal ultrasound would pick up anything that early. When I went to my first official doc appointment to have a transvaginal ultrasound on Nov 9th, my LMP dated me at 8wks2days and the AUA they measured was 8wks5days. At my 12 week appointment on Dec 5th, I was also measuring ahead can’t remember the numbers exactly but no more than week at that time. LMP dating was 12wks. Anyway, my due date is June 19th according to LMP and they have not made any changes to it, but as you see my AUA never quite matches up to that date but I assume this is because I don’t have 28 day cycles? As I get further along in my pregnancy I understand ultrasound measurements are no longer accurate as at my anatomy scan at 21wk4days, baby was around 15oz and seemed to be measuring a week ahead. I just don’t want to get to a point if the baby measures like 2-3+ weeks ahead and makes me go crazy even further.
With everything I’ve shared, can I really trust that I conceived sometime mid-late Sept and rule out Guy A being the father? Like no chance at all? Even if somehow my due date changes later on in pregnancy to early June? (See how my mind works?) I really want Guy B to be the father. I think I would’ve felt better if I had two periods in between the encounters, but the one period and google searches just has me wondering if it’s possible. Logic tells me I’m okay and I don’t need to spend $1k+ on a prenatal paternity test but my brain and the GUILT just has me going left at at times. I really want to put this to rest & enjoy the rest of my pregnancy freely. Feel free to add all the reasons why I’m most likely being unreasonable here. Thank you sooo much for reading this long winded story.
To begin, my cycles are usually less than 28 days. I would say I average around 24-26 day cycles and my periods last 5-6 days. So I started a period on August 20th 2022, however I had unprotected sex with Guy A during menstruation August 20th-22nd. He did finish inside of me on the 20th and the other two days were pull out method. I never have sex with this guy again after these encounters.
I had sex with Guy B on August 29th, who also finished inside of me. When I checked my period app, this was suggested to one of my high fertility days so I took a plan B. But from this point on, I am only having sex with this guy.
I started my period on September 12th but anxiety has me thinking back wondering if I can completely trust this was my true period. I know I used tampons for this, but I can’t help but think back like “omg was my flow the same, did it last as long as usual” etc. Anyway, I cannot list all the days we had sex in Sept, but I know we had sex on Sept 25th with him finishing in me. Any other time in Sept would’ve been pull out method. On my period app, the 25th was the first day outside of my “high fertility window” meaning the calendar was showing my high fertility days were the 19th-24th. I know these apps are not accurate for tracking ovulation but just giving as much info as possible. I also assume August’s Plan B could’ve also affected me for the month of Sept and shifted my dates. So fast forward to October, I miss my period. I don’t remember what day(s) my period was supposed come but on Oct 4th I took a pregnancy test (not using first mornings urine) around 4pm and it was negative. I ended up testing again with first morning urine on Oct 8th and got a positive result.
On Oct 9th, I went to get an abdominal ultrasound at a boutique and all she could see was a “swollen uterus”. I went back on Oct 19th and the sac at least was present. I have anxiety over the Oct 9th scan, because one time my OBGYN told me via Pap smear/pelvic exam that my uterus was slightly tilted towards my back, so it makes me wonder if the abdominal ultrasound would pick up anything that early. When I went to my first official doc appointment to have a transvaginal ultrasound on Nov 9th, my LMP dated me at 8wks2days and the AUA they measured was 8wks5days. At my 12 week appointment on Dec 5th, I was also measuring ahead can’t remember the numbers exactly but no more than week at that time. LMP dating was 12wks. Anyway, my due date is June 19th according to LMP and they have not made any changes to it, but as you see my AUA never quite matches up to that date but I assume this is because I don’t have 28 day cycles? As I get further along in my pregnancy I understand ultrasound measurements are no longer accurate as at my anatomy scan at 21wk4days, baby was around 15oz and seemed to be measuring a week ahead. I just don’t want to get to a point if the baby measures like 2-3+ weeks ahead and makes me go crazy even further.
With everything I’ve shared, can I really trust that I conceived sometime mid-late Sept and rule out Guy A being the father? Like no chance at all? Even if somehow my due date changes later on in pregnancy to early June? (See how my mind works?) I really want Guy B to be the father. I think I would’ve felt better if I had two periods in between the encounters, but the one period and google searches just has me wondering if it’s possible. Logic tells me I’m okay and I don’t need to spend $1k+ on a prenatal paternity test but my brain and the GUILT just has me going left at at times. I really want to put this to rest & enjoy the rest of my pregnancy freely. Feel free to add all the reasons why I’m most likely being unreasonable here. Thank you sooo much for reading this long winded story.
COMMUNITY LEADER
It doesn't matter if you have a slightly tilted uterus, the ultrasound can still see inside it. When you had your ultrasound on November 9, what due date did they give you?
7 Comments
Hi, on Nov 9th the AUA was calculating to June 16th. But they didn’t comment on that & kept my due date the same as June 19th.
I was looking for the EDD, not the AUA.
The one they gave you based on the baby's measurements as of November 9. Did they say your EDD was June 16?
No my due date at the November 9th appointment was still June 19th
OK. They gave you an EDD of June 19 when they measured your baby by ultrasound in your eighth week, meaning the baby's size and developmental markers showed that conception happened around September 25th.
Babies develop at different rates, some faster and some slower than average, some stick with the averages the whole pregnancy. But even if your baby grew fast and was bigger than the average, it wouldn't have happened by your eighth week. (I.e., only 6 weeks since conception.)
Your early ultrasound measured the actual baby, and people who have had years of school and of medical training and further years of experience, looked at the ultrasound and read the results and told you what they are. I don't see the reason for freaking out.
You used the word "trust" twice. That might be the actual issue -- you feeling like your guy trusted you not to sleep with anyone else? For your anxiety to go away, you have to deal with that one directly. When the dates are clear but women still worry about who is the father, it's kind of a straw man, to worry about. It's easier to worry about that, than to deal with the shame about having had sex with the wrong guy. Spend the extra money on a session with a counselor to figure out why you did what you did, you'll get more out of it than you will from a prenatal DNA test. (Hate to say it, but women who don't believe their dates also often won't believe a DNA test, and will say, "What if the test is ... WRONG!?!?!") Deal with what is really bothering you (and I can promise you, it's not paternity), and your anxiety about who is the dad will fade away.
Babies develop at different rates, some faster and some slower than average, some stick with the averages the whole pregnancy. But even if your baby grew fast and was bigger than the average, it wouldn't have happened by your eighth week. (I.e., only 6 weeks since conception.)
Your early ultrasound measured the actual baby, and people who have had years of school and of medical training and further years of experience, looked at the ultrasound and read the results and told you what they are. I don't see the reason for freaking out.
You used the word "trust" twice. That might be the actual issue -- you feeling like your guy trusted you not to sleep with anyone else? For your anxiety to go away, you have to deal with that one directly. When the dates are clear but women still worry about who is the father, it's kind of a straw man, to worry about. It's easier to worry about that, than to deal with the shame about having had sex with the wrong guy. Spend the extra money on a session with a counselor to figure out why you did what you did, you'll get more out of it than you will from a prenatal DNA test. (Hate to say it, but women who don't believe their dates also often won't believe a DNA test, and will say, "What if the test is ... WRONG!?!?!") Deal with what is really bothering you (and I can promise you, it's not paternity), and your anxiety about who is the dad will fade away.
Hi Annie, I never got to respond as life just got in the way but I always wanted to come back and give thanks to you for your response. I needed that kind of commentary from someone to understand how ridiculous my thinking was/is. My guilt about the situation was really the driving factor behind my extreme anxiety. My 6/19 due date has now come and gone, I’m currently 40 weeks and 2 days pregnant with an estimated 7 lb and some ounces baby. So as we know, the answer to who the father is was clear all along. <3
Thanks for writing back, and congratulations! My last suggestion is, don't do anything from now on out that will make you feel guilty, because as you now know about yourself, when your guilt runs the show your rationality seems to go out the window. (Easier to avoid such things in the first place than to handle them when you're in their throes.) Hope you're holding your sweet baby in your arms in the next few days!
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