"Am I the star beneath the stairs? ...Am I your anything?" I need help, numerous things and numerous reasons.. anybody up for a challenge?

[Avianna]

Alright, first up. I'm depressed. Quite often, I even think of suicide. I refuse to go to a shrink, therapist, whatever you call them, for the last experience I had was NOT one I would want to chance happening again. Mabye I'm being selfish, and I know I need help, but I just can't bring myself to go to one.  It makes me feel like I'm some sort of lab rat.  Either way, they don't help anyway.

I used to self-harm, thats right, cutting. When the family found out, they did nothing but yell at me.  My sister shoved that damn book of hers in my face and wanted me to read it.  (this book held all of her depression inside it in the form of poetry)  I love poetry, and I love reading it written on things like paranoia, manic-depression, suicide, and all of that.. but the idea of it being written by my sister was just too much to handle.  I miss cutting, it was my form of therapy, and to be honest, I really didn't do it that deep at all.  It was my form of venting, and of course since then I've been a *****.  I seemed to have gotten better for a while, but now everyones getting close to me.  Now, I'm scared; and now, I become the big bad wolf again.

I have major trust issues.  I have a boyfriend and I'm currently in the process of trying to end a relationship that he is desperately trying to save. There isn't much wrong, but whenever he says he loves me, it scares me.  And when I say it back, it scares me more.. so now I don't say it anymore.  He says I'm not being myself, when really, I'm just showing that much more of me to him.  He won't accept me for who I truly am, and I know this.  It kills me, and I can't tell him, for he will tell my family, and I can't let that happen.

So really, all I have to rely on, is anyone who is willing to help over the net.  Its the only way I am willing to get help.  It sets up that wall so I don't have to see you, or your reaction; yet your words are sent to me, hopefully comforting.

[clpa07]

you could probably benefit from talk therapy. Its basically what your doing over this as a form of escapism. Go to a shrink!

[Avianna]

I guess I could try again.. I'm so afraid they'll trace my call or something.. mabye I'm just paranoid.. but getting caught doing anything has NEVER done me any good. ..They either throw me in counseling, or yell at me.. even if I tell them it'll just make it worse.. My friend is over for tonight.. so mabye once they are asleep I will call.  My parents aren't around for them to freak about me being on the phone.. but they said don't screw anything up.. so if they DO trace the call and they DO show up like I think they will.. I guess I'm totally screwed. Heh.

Yeah.. I took one today. Not exactly fun. They're huge...  I thought I was gonna die. My sister laughed at me for ever taking them.. but whatever to her. I'm really sick of her downing me for all I do.. she says she loves me.. but then she tells me no one cares about me and to go kill myself.. nice sister, huh?

And as for the last paragraph a couple responses ago.. I was trying REALLY hard to resist something. I didn't know what to do because I'd run out of things to keep my mind off of it.. and I was wondering if you had any suggestions.. Sorry--I was being stupid, I guess.  Sorry!

[John_jb1]

Hello,

It's great that you're now daring to do more things, such as ringing the help line. Well they weren't very cleaver. But I'm sure it was just some kind of mistake, you should try again I think. Tell me what happened exactly =]

The fish oil tablet things are worth taking, takes a couple weeds for you to see some noticeable effects. But they do work miracles, I've seen even your hand writing improves dramatically. So they're worth taking.

Thanks

- John -

[Avianna]

Anxiety? Hmm.. and yeah, we have those tablet things already because my dad was supposed to take them 'cause hes sick.. of course he doesn't like he SHOULD, but we have them. So, mabye I'll suck it up and take them.

By the way, I finally sucked it up and called one of those help lines.. they didn't do anything though.. they just hung up on me.. hahah.. so much for 'always being there' =P =]

[John_jb1]

Hello,

Yes I am in a band, I more use it as something to take my mind of things then for fun to be honest. And yes we'd love you to write lyrics.
Our genre is rock, blues kinda thing, so we don't mind if you write really joyful/fast lyrics or if you wrote depressing ones.

It does sound to me like anxiety that makes you have these "spazzy moods" them spazzy moods is your personality trying to cover up your mind. This is normally because you don't want people finding something else, or because you're afraid to confront something.
As I said, I'd say take them omega 3 fish oil tablets for it, as the omega 3 helps keep the mind and personality together and strong.

Can you just explain that last paragraph please? I'm not sure what you mean by what was in the draw.

Thanks =]

- John -

[Avianna]

You're band?! Whoah.. thats really cool.  What kind genre do you play.. or rather what kind of lyrics are you looking for? I can give it a shot.. no guarantees it'll be anything good though!

Uh, spaziness.. how do I define that..? Um, well its kind of like anything from scream "Je suis un papalmousse! Donnez moi voi tout croissants!" --Jade Puget (I am a grapefruit! Now give me all of your croissants!) to just sitting there flailing and screaming like a total idiot.. and its so random. Like, I don't even know if I can control it.. like if I walk by someone (obviously only a friend/family person.. mostly my mother... heheh..) I just smack her.. It isn't anything incredibly hard..  but enough to say ow.  And after she says 'stop' I just usually yell out something random (whether it be something quoted, or something just completely random) and run out of the room.. I don't get it!

And um.. what if.. the overwhelming urge to do something is killing you.. and you've checked your medhelp, your dA, and everything else about 20 times.. and you've written enough that you can't be creative anymore.. and theres nothing on T.V.. what do you do to pass time? Because my sister opened a drawer the other day.. and what caught my eye was something I really can't resist.. I think she knows that too because she glanced over at me and shut it fast..