"Am I the star beneath the stairs? ...Am I your anything?" I need help, numerous things and numerous reasons.. anybody up for a challenge?

[Avianna]

Alright, first up. I'm depressed. Quite often, I even think of suicide. I refuse to go to a shrink, therapist, whatever you call them, for the last experience I had was NOT one I would want to chance happening again. Mabye I'm being selfish, and I know I need help, but I just can't bring myself to go to one.  It makes me feel like I'm some sort of lab rat.  Either way, they don't help anyway.

I used to self-harm, thats right, cutting. When the family found out, they did nothing but yell at me.  My sister shoved that damn book of hers in my face and wanted me to read it.  (this book held all of her depression inside it in the form of poetry)  I love poetry, and I love reading it written on things like paranoia, manic-depression, suicide, and all of that.. but the idea of it being written by my sister was just too much to handle.  I miss cutting, it was my form of therapy, and to be honest, I really didn't do it that deep at all.  It was my form of venting, and of course since then I've been a *****.  I seemed to have gotten better for a while, but now everyones getting close to me.  Now, I'm scared; and now, I become the big bad wolf again.

I have major trust issues.  I have a boyfriend and I'm currently in the process of trying to end a relationship that he is desperately trying to save. There isn't much wrong, but whenever he says he loves me, it scares me.  And when I say it back, it scares me more.. so now I don't say it anymore.  He says I'm not being myself, when really, I'm just showing that much more of me to him.  He won't accept me for who I truly am, and I know this.  It kills me, and I can't tell him, for he will tell my family, and I can't let that happen.

So really, all I have to rely on, is anyone who is willing to help over the net.  Its the only way I am willing to get help.  It sets up that wall so I don't have to see you, or your reaction; yet your words are sent to me, hopefully comforting.

[John_jb1]

Hello,

I've read some of your poetry, i must say it's very well put together. You ever thought of writing lyrics?

I know what you mean by "I would think, that after all these years, and all the tears, she would be of more worth to me?"
I also would "get rid" of friends because i thought they were stressing me out too much. But in fact, it only stressed me out more when I found myself missing them after my ordeals.
I also know that after being with a friend for so long, that it should make you like them more. This had always confused me, as I know it's not true, but where do they get the perception from?

With this new boy, I'd be careful about upsetting your current boy friend, because you do get stressed out by his grief.

I'm glad I'm helping you with the "never ending road" I too do feel it's never ending, but when you come out the end, the amout of freedom and light that sheds on you is really satisfying.

- John -

[Avianna]

Well, I first and foremost, apologize sincerely for taking such a great deal of time to respond.  I've been locked up in my room for quite a while, got a nice painting done, as well as some reading. (I don't think I felt the need to come out and socialize with people I didn't like anyway.) Writing is another time consumer, oh how time flies! It would be five a.m. before I knew it! (I know this writing is a bit out of sorts for me.. but I've been reading the "Sorrows of Young Werther" and I've slightly adopted the way Goethe writes.)

So, now that my reason for not responding for so long has been brought to light, I suppose I should update you? Well, it would be quite difficult to see a school counselor at which point I'm not even currently attending school. The boy, in my eyes, is out of the picture. I in fact, have yet to talk to him in over four days! I do check if he's around, I must confess, though his absence isn't terribly devastating.  In fact, I think I've been charmed by a new one, he's had me for a while, and has the more 'go with the flow' personality type.  The only stresses other than the standard ones as of late, has been when I was looking for a canvas on which to paint, when I came across a silver box. Out of curiosity I opened it, of course, is that not human nature?  It was, ironically, a box of tools, which wasn't much, but one tool in all its silver glory made me break a promise I made so very long ago.. will I revert back to my old ways? The only thing thats stopping me is those that entrap me within the enviorment they want me to reside in..  I suppose that losing my best friend should be considered a stress.  It is not that she has lost her life or anything, its just that I have decided that she stresses me out too much, and cut off ties with her.  I would think, that after all these years, and all the tears, she would be of more worth to me? Is that not how it should be? And if you want a better look at how this inane mind I posess works, you could go to darkestintentions.deviantart.com --if it would help?  (Some of my oh-so-emo poetry is posted on there as my deviations.) I haven't a clue on if it would help, and no, this isn't meant for me to simply get more page views.  


I thank you again sincerely for all you've done  so far, you've seen me down a great portion of what seems like a never-ending road.

[John_jb1]

Hello,

I know we do have that tension to put people above us. But I think you do need to start thinking about your self.
Pretending to be happy can have great improvements for some people, because their mind thinks that's how it should be, but everyone's mind and brian works different. So to some people it can just cause stress.

I really do reccommend you see the school counsillor, I know you hate even the thought of it, but just brave the first sesson, you'll be supprised how relaxing the environment is, and they wont tell your parents that you have the sessons.

Please do take that into mind, I'm not forcing you, it's your own choice, but I really do reccomend it.
Counselling over the internet is totally different, as I can't see your body language as you say something or as you reply to a question.

Thanks
- John -

[Avianna]

I want to be with him, but I'm losing feelings for him fast, as I'm losing my feelings fast. I know it sounds weird.. but I sort of shut down all feelings for anything and stay safe that way.. and I know depression lasts a long time.. I've been sad since my brother left and my nana died. I remember right around that time, my sister was the age I am now, and was dealing with sorrow, and she had me take a depression survey so she wouldn't feel alone. I remember the last two.. it was to contact help immediately if you checked them off. One was if you ever hurt yourself for punishment or on purpose.. and the other was if you ever had thoughts of death frequently, or even suicide. I was only around the age of 8.. but I could have checked them both off. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I know I don't have to--but I will for the people around me. I don't want to hurt them..

[John_jb1]

Hello,

Now now, don't give up, depression can seem helpless and can last even years.

Do you want to be with that guy again? Or was it out of guilt that you two are back together?

As saratonin has just shown, meds like that can have amazing effects. You say " I'm not sick" you don't have to be sick to take meds, although depression is infact an illness. I'd reccomend atleast next time you go to a chemist or are going somewhere near one, to have a look around, have a try, then think if they're worth it or not.

If you don't like using this forum, you don't have to use it, it's your choice, we're not forcing you or anything, I completely understand, I went through a simular thing to as what you're going through now.

Thanks

- John -

[saratonin]

i just started cutting myself too. i have major depression and anxiety. a doc put me on zoloft....i feel a little better. i still have thoughts of cutting and i still feel depressed. but it's not so intense now.