depression / addiction (also posted in addiction thread)

[crabass]

i put this in the addiction thread also, for all the suggestions i can get...
Ive been taking 5/500 vics for about 5 years for severe back pain due to injury, which  happened 15 years ago and has gotten worse by the day. some days none, some days maybe 5 or 6 or more. Ive been depressed my whole life, bad childhood, try to forget it completely. My last long term relationship sent me over the edge, due to my ex's drug addiction, lying, stealing, cheating, and going to any length to convince me otherwise, and i had to walk away, and it ended badly. - story of my f-ing life. since then i have not been able to trust anyone at all, i dont sleep for days or sleep 16-18 hours at a time, and i take vicodin to help keep me awake to make it through the days at work on no sleep which makes it very hard to keep a job and support myself living alone. Somehow my boss tolerates me being late every day, because im good at what i do... but the pain is taking my ability away from me to do what i love and uniquely skilled at.
Im not sure if this sounds strange, but when youve been in pain for 15+ years its such a releif to take 3 or 4 vic at a time and have that short time of feeling no pain at all. But as it comes back i get pissed because its hard to do things for myself again, which drops me into depression to the point i will sit here crying with a gun to my head debating if its even worth the bullet or not. i know its bad for me, but anymore i quit caring at all. as long as i can numb my physical and emotional pain all at the same time i feel like the person i used to be, or should be. ive tried many anti-depressants and 150mg effexor has helped the most, but does very little. so througout the day ill take painkillers, muscle relaxers, xanax, smoke some weed, or any combination i can find to get me high enough to smile and laugh for a few hours, instead of hating everything and wanting to off myself.
I have tried counseling and i get pissed at them and leave because i just feel like im being critisized and told what to do. i have given up on any worthless pill pushing doctor or "know it all" shrink to do more than milk my insurance rather than helping me find a solution to my constant"dont give a ****" state of mind besides being stoned out of my mind. Fell free to suggest or ask any questions. I hate being alive and feel no reason to wake up every day.

[crabass]

I actually wiped out and landed on the corner of a concrete step and broke my back, then again a couple years later being stupid doing wheelies on a riding mower and rolled it backwards onto myself which split the same break again.
i had one surgery to trim back 3 ruptured discs that i let go way too long and it cause nerve damage to the sciatic nerve, so theres permanent pain just from that. its as good as its gonna get at this point, and i dont want to do disc fusion until i feel bones grinding together and absolutely have to.
Before i could not even put my own shoes on, im able to do that now, i have more range of motion back, but not much less constant pain. As i bend or move my back crunches and pops and i get sharp shooting pains, its a whole mess of fun.

[remar]

Can you say what kind of injury you have? Is surgery an option? Yes, I think it may be worth it to try the injections. The meds you're taking might be contributing to your depression.

[crabass]

I'm going to try the injections / pain management just to see if it works or not. They also offer opiate addiction help. If getting shots to temporarily numb it doesnt do any good, its probly going to make me more of an angry *******.
If it works then i might lighten up a little bit.
Problem is i know all i have to look forward to the rest of my life is being in pain while short term things just mask it for a little bit.
I'm afraid of loosing my job, as hard as i try and everything ive done i just cant wake up when i need to. Then i'll lose my insurance which will put me through hell of a withdrawal from effexor because i sure as hell wont be able to afford it then.

[remar]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Have you ever tried physical therapy for the pain? You did say you've tried counseling. Sometimes you have to try several before you find one you really click with. What about a chronic pain clinic, have you ever tried that?
We're here to listen and help any way we can. Keep posting, okay.