I dont know how to deal with my past. Ever since I was around 7 years old, I started being more and more sexual. It started with me and my cousin doing stuff. Sometimes even her older brother would join us. As I got older, I developed some kind of masturbation addiction. Now, I know that exploring as a child isnt a bad thing. I didn't know better, but it still doesnt lessen the guilt. I aslo remember telling my then best friend sexual stuff. The thing with my cousins stopped with age, but at around 10/11 or maybe even older, I dont really remember the exact age, I would start 'exploring' with my dog. I think thats the one thing that disgusts me the most to this day. During these years I would also chat online with older men. Now at some point it hit me that what I was doing was horribly wrong, and since then, all I've ever felt was guilt and shame. It doesnt help that i lack confidence and Im often anxious.There have been countless nights spent crying and hyperventilating, thinking of what I was like younger. I'm 18 and I still deal with the addiction but I never would do the things I had done again. I feel like a terrible person, everytime I remember the stuff I feel like throwing up, self harming or committing suicide. I just wish I could change everything I did back then. I hate myself so much because of it. I dont know how to move on.