i really am worried

[mandy876]

I think my mind is getting bad now.  I am forgetting things sometimes my mind  just goes blank.  maybe the stress I live with daily or I hope I am not getting alzeimers.  I don't do anything to please anyone.  everything I say is wrong or stupid.  my cat ran away.  he doesn't love me either.  I miss someone to care about me.  I do need a hug every now and then.  I am old and need to have a friendly voice.  I know I can never be happy again got to learn to live with it..  what do you think.  should I ask my doctor?

[mandy876]

i have my days when i feel good and days when ifeel  sad.  but i am having more good days.  i thinomng home to live with us.  he want ket her bring the baby.  i told her to call the cops they will help her get him out and bring him home.

[4Maddie44]

Well you sound stronger if you say you can handle the present problems.  Well done.  Keep strong.  Sorry you have had a bad day, we have ups and downs.  Hopefully things are better now.  Never give up.  

Stay strong and positive.  Love your family.  We need them.  We need support and love, and we can give support and love if needed.  Don't let people "get to you" and make you sad.  Look ahead, never back.  Remember, be positive if you can.  It will make you stronger, and that seems to be the case with you now.

So glad you are doing better and sounding more positive.  Yes life is so difficult, especially when we have depression and stress etc.  Not easy to go on.  Hope you got the books that were suggested so they can help you be more positive.  I have been with you for a long time now on this site.  You have had your problems, as we all do, but I believe over that time you have got more assertive and stronger.

Well done.

Take care.

[mandy876]

every thing fell apart i said i would not write about my niece.  today was the last straw.  but i can handle it. i am so sick i just want to go to sleep and wish this day never happened.  i dont know if i will ever speak to her again.  i am so mad.  jessie will be here tomorrow with only my logan.  you are all so sweet i appreciate the numbers im will make good use of them.

[sara12345]

It sounds like you handled that very well.  I didn't understand what you meant by "s is theway i will ever be able to see you and the babies".  But you kept your position and Tammy understood.  Very good!!

[mandy876]

  everything was going great until today.  i asked her to take me to get my pills was ready.  she said i guess i should go get dressed.  we went and got them and on the way home she said why did you make me take you when the traffic was bad.  i said we could have waited.  then she started in on things,  said someone else will have to get your pills.  i said ok i got someone to get them for me.  she got madder.  told me my mom would hate me fo the way i was treating her.  i said it would be the opposite.  she would be furious that at you or nearly spending all my money. she changed it around and called and told her daughter.  her version.  i tried to explain.  she said i understand.  she is b ringing me  2000.00 this weekend.  she has to have a new tire put on her car. she was so sorry and would not ask me forany more money. she said she would sell her car and give me half the money.  i told her that was her car i have told her over andover put it in your name.  she said ok. s is theway i will ever be able to see you and the babies  i love you sorry i am not rich.  i lovee you.

[Nighthawk61]

Hey Cha  Cha, it's good to hear that you and tammy are saying no, when you need to about finances, and that tammy is starting to understand your position. You've done alot of work to get to where you are with Tammy, and I'm proud of you. I have every confidence that you'll keep it up, my friend. I know one thing for sure. that both girls will feel better about themselves in the long run if you do stand up for yourself and don't let them get out of hand again. Even though they are not your kids, you need to parent them as if they are, and I really think that you're understanding that. I'm really happy for you that things are going in the right direction. I know you must be thinking that it's necessary that you always keep things rosy at this point. The thing is that we are all human, and we all have bad days. and none of us are perfect. I'd hate to think you couldn't tell us if someone was having a bad day. That's what friends are for after all. I' think you've all come a long way, and it will become habit in your house hold if you stick to your guns and not do anything that you don't want to do. Be true to yourself Cha Cha. and continue on doing what you're doing, because it's working.
Much love, Liz

[mandy876]

i wroteyou along letter and they took me off.  i wanted to tell you please dont worry aboutme. i care dearly for you and if my problems are causing uncomfort in your life.  i dont thatto happen you are doing so good. i promise to say only good thins in the future.the friend i wastalking about lives a ways away but if she goes anywhere it is to jher daughters.  we talk on theinternet.  she has my back.  she has always been soecial to me.she was my nxt door neighbor.  they are trying to takeeoff. lov mandy876

[mandy876]

her boyfriend has always respected me.  he does not use drugs she says.  when she came up this weekend she went to her doctor to get pain meds and hey were not strong enough she asked me if she could have mine and she would give me hers.  i said no.  she said ok.  mym older niece said letsgo get some barbecue.  i said ok.  logan went with us. i asked her what she thought about me notgiving her my pain meds. she said you have to speak up to people. you did good. i see so much ttthat she is trying, usually her daughter gets what she wants.  even if she does without.  she was asking for something tammy said i have no money.when i walked in the living room she gave me a funny look.  her daughter asked me and i told her i did not have enough money.  tammy smiled. i think i am going to be alright.  she is helping me to say no more.   mandy876

[Nighthawk61]

HI Cha Cha, so sorry to hear that you all had such a fright with the baby, and I hope it all works out for the best. Jessica , I hope , has learned a very valuable lesson.  I am very happy to hear that Tammy has a friend in which to socialize, and that you too are going to meet up with one of your friends from high school. I think it's just wonderful. It was so good to hear that Tammy invited you out for dinner with her and her friend, and asked if she could bring you something. Next time, order up something nice for yourself.

I understand honey that going out walking any distance is a scare for you, but hopefully you will get on well with your friend, and who knows, maybe there will be an opportunity there for you getting out to bingo with a few of the ladies. Or if one of them are into a little swimming or something. Maybe even go to the bookstore and pick out a book that a few of you could read and discuss. The possibilities are there. And of course, you know that there is the Senior Center that , of course, would cater to you mobility concerns.

I must say, that you sound so much better than the past. I see many great changes., both in yourself and Tammy.

I have to say, I am worried for you though. You mentioned in the past I think that Jessica and her husband and their two kids are moving in with you, didn't you?
I think you also mentioned that Jessica and her husband are having problems, and that Jessica plans on staying with him.
I think you said that Jessica's husband's brother lives with them now, and is a drug addict, right? It may well be likely that Jessica's husband also has a drug problem.

You've worked so hard on your relationship with Tammy. Tammy has problems, but it seems she is really trying to make you feel better about having her in your home.

Having Jessica's entire family move in with you is a huge responsibility and a huge amount of stress, and I'm worried about you. I'm worried that it will be too much, with little way for you to change it once they have moved in. I'm also worried that they are expecting you to be a baby sitter, At your age, you should have people watching over your health, not the other way around. I worry too about you my friend, I'm thinking that the husband may be going to present you with a host of problems. If Jessica and him are fighting, it would take away your right to a peaceful home, the peaceful home your husband provided for you......

You have made it very clear that you love your family and were meant to care for them. I understand what you're saying and I think it is lovely. Tammy took advantage , but is now showing signs that she understands that she took her selfishness too far, and is now tying to make amends. She may also be trying to pave the way for her daughter's entire family moving in,  because once moved in, it is unlikely they will ever move. I'm just wondering though, are you going to like having that many people in the house? Are you going to embrace that much action,? The reality is that you've made it clear that you are giving your house to Tammy after you pass. Is it the best move for Jessica and her family to move in? You have to ask yourself this now, before they do. Is it the right thing for them? You see, if you provide a home for Jessica and her kids, rent free, and her husband never has to pay rent again, and his brother (who will probably move into your house the moment you're gone) is on drugs, what you're doing really is ENABLING drug use and irresponsibility. Do you see what I'm saying?

You have come so far, you've managed to get through to Tammy, for now anyways, you've got an outing with an old friend. and you understand that there is help in the community. But, are you biting off more than you can chew having this couple move in, who are not getting along, (for whatever reasons, drugs, alcohol , cheating, ??)

[4Maddie44]

Oh Mandy I sometimes lie awake worrying about you.  I know you say you have made your own life, and that you care too much for others.  I just wish you would care more for yourself.  

I wish I could make your life better.  It worries me so what you have been going through.  I know you cannot, or will not change things, so must accept the life you have.

Yes you take care of those who need you, I just hope they do the same for you.  I have been going over the things you have talked about here.  I am worrying too much I know, but I just cannot help it.  You have so many people here who care about you, but we know we cannot help.  We have given suggestions.  So many kind people who have tried to give you good advice.

I know I will never stop worrying about you, but it is really getting to me.  I am in tears some of the time.  You are so caring of your family, and from what you have told us, they do not treat you with respect a lot of the time.  But that is how things are, and as you say, it is your life and you must live with it, because you will not change it.

Dear friend, I cannot bear that your years ahead may be unhappy ones.  You say you do  not think you have depression, just stress from your home life.  But I can see that you do have depression, and panic attacks and anxiety when you go out.  

If it is enough for you to live on memories, then so be it.  But dear Mandy there is so much more to life than just memories.

You say you have made friends and things are fine.  I did not realise that you did have friends to be with.  That is a great comfort to me, because we all need friends.  You say things are fine, and that you are coping with the situation at home.

I just hope you do not have to come here again telling us about things Tammy has done to upset you, because as you know, we cannot help.  You do not want to change how things are, because you love your family and support them.  Tammy has bi-polar, and that must be difficult to live with, but you care about her, and although she sometimes does things to upset you, you love her and care about her.

You have dear Logan and Jessica and the baby, so you have a family unit. I will try to stop worrying so much, and wipe my eyes, and understand things with you will not change, but you accept them.  

Dear friend, take care.

[sara12345]

Thanks for your caring.  You have a sweetness about you. Just don't isolate yourself, e.g. by not accepting any help from the outside.  And I totally agree with everything that nursegirl tells you.  She said that your loved ones who are gone would not want you to be treated with such abuse.  Honor them.  You take care. Sara

[mandy876]

  is is tammys daughters baby boy age 1. she came to go see her docttor who did her surgery.she came back to see if she could get pain medicines.they just left a little while ago.the baby is fine.

[nursegirl6572]

I'm so sorry to hear about the baby, what a frightening situation.

I'm not sure I understand the situation, is that Tammy's daughter and her kids?  Whose baby is it?  How long are they staying with you?  Hopefully she stops taking the baby out of the crib at night, I agree with you, you think she would have been scared enough after what happened to NOT do it again?  Goodness!!  

I hope that they aren't staying with you too long mandy, that's going to add a lot more stress and chaos to your home!  I'm glad the baby was okay!  Thank goodness you realized something was wrong and intervened when you did.

[mandy876]

  sara thaks for your caring.  i a,ways need a friend to talk you must have missed some of my posts.  but that is ok.  i find you are a great person.  and i worry about your health.  My life is what i makeof it.  i stick with my family when they need me.  No one else will,  God made me the care giver.  he has a reason for me being here.  this must be it.  i am warm hearted and care too much for the people i love.  If that is a fault then god forgive me.  I lost the most imporant people in my life.  i have made some friends and things are fine.  i have great memories for things that i am unable to no longer be able to do.  the things i love to do is camping long nature walks.  i can no longer do any of those things.  mandy876

[sara12345]

You said it all way back, when you told me that you didn't want to meet anyone new because you didn't want to lose anyone else in your life. That's when I told you, then there is nothing that I can do to help you to address your intense loneliness.  

I feel so badly that you are set on keeping your abusive relationships in your own home and letting them continue to isolate you by not accepting any help from outside. That's too bad.  

I wish you the best, but with your choices, I can't see anything but years of unhappiness with no money in your future.  It's by YOUR choices. You take care.
  

[mandy876]

  thank you for understanding.  but it is embarassing to pass out in frount of your friends. we did not have a good weeked.  the kids came earlu.just the girl and 2 kiddos.  during the night jess wokr up and decided to pi the baby in bed with her,  she went back to sleep.  he did not.  he got in to  find grandmas effexors 150.  he started acting strange after jess left for the doctor appointment.  he wold smacking his lips and would not eat are drink anything.  and he started sjaking.  i called poison control.  theytold me to hang up and call 911.  i did and the firetruck and ambulance showed up immediately. i was barefoot the firetruck was down the street.  i ra out in the frozen drive way.  they saw me wavingg and i waied tll they got to our house.  we had snow the day before it got down to 16.  the ambulance people said that to be safe take him to chikdrens hospital.  they took him to the hospital. we thought he only chewed on one pill.  but the hospital said he had it in his system.  i e mailed jess on her phon,  she did not answer.  i called the doctors office and she said she could not tell me if she was there are not.  i tld her i paid jess bill and her baby had been taken to the hospital.  mean time i was watching logan and trying to get in touch with everyone.  tammy went and tayed with the 1 year old.  they came home a little late,  we had ordered pizza and i pit it in the oven to kep it warm.  the next night i woke up at 400am and heard a noise in my room. i thought oh please dont let it be logan up so early.  i looked down on the floor and it was the baby.  i jumped up and he doesnt usually go too me bit i reached for himand he grabbed em and hugged me tight h was so cold.  she had taken him out of hos bed amd pit him in bed with her again.  you would she would have learned her lesson.  after they got home from the hospital they ate.  i had already fed logan.  at a little before 12 logan was layomg om the sofa bed where his mom sleeps and the baby wouldot go to sleep.  the door bell rang it wa CPS  they questioned each one of us separatey.  he took pictures of the refrigerator and gave jess a drug test he said you can relax your drug test camee out good she said i have not used drugs inm years i was not afraid,  he took a picture of tams meds and saw they had child proof lids on them.  he even took pictures. to show that.  he said he thought it would be ok.  if ot was up to him he would throw the case out.  but now it goes to houston where they live,  her boyfriends  brother lives witth them and uses drugs.  bobby is moving him back in with his mother and  hope everything will check outok.  i am afraid he will lose his temper with them he is already mad at everyone,  he said if they dont approve it in houston they could take the baby away from them.  jess is a mess she is so afaid of losin her baby over a terrible accident.  mandy876

[4Maddie44]

Nurse girl is right you sound like you are suffering anxiety and panic attacks.  

Please try and get out, just a little more each day.  You are isolating yourself because you are imagining all sorts of things.  You are getting too anxious about everything.  You don't want to go out, do you?  You feel secure indoors.  Whatever any of us say, you will not change.  Shame because we so want to help you lead a "normal" life.  

As I have said, I am your age and I too have arthritis, but we old folk can still get out, we are not confined to the house.  If your hair is sopping wet, then that is a sign of anxiety and panics.

You have said you want to stop taking Effexor, but I strongly advise against that.  If you are like you are now, think what you would be like without the anti depressant.  I found it helped me so much with anxiety and panics.

You are now crippled with fear about going out in case you pass out, or hurt, and all sorts of other things.  I am so sorry, I did not realise that it could be an emotional thing, I just thought you did not want to meet other people because you are very shy.

I do not know what to suggest if you have such fear of the outside world.  I know you were fine when you went shopping with Jessica.  You told me how much you enjoyed it.  

I am so sorry we have been urging you to go out, when you cannot bring yourself to do so because of fear of what might happen to you.  It is a cycle now, and you are caught up in it.  

I love my senior citizen classes, and like Nursegirl says you are among other people of the same age, and we do things appropriate to our age.  I see that you will never achieve that, you will never go out and socialise.

Oh Mandy I am so sorry, but if you have this anxiety, I can only suggest that there may be a drug the doctor could prescribe to stop panic and anxiety attacks.  As I said, Effexor did that for me.

We here, know now, after all this time "talking" to you that you cannot change how you are, and we should not attempt to try and change you.  You are who you are, and how you spend your days is your concern.  We cannot change the way you feel, and it is obvious you do not want to change things.  We all want to feel safe, and you feel safe if you do not try and socialise.

However, I do hope you meet that good friend of yours soon and have a good time.  If you explain you may feel a bit odd, she will understand, I am sure.  Is this the same friend you are talking about above?  You say she does not want to go shopping with you again.  How about just a quiet sit down with a cup of coffee, nothing strenuous?

I have suffered with depression and social anxiety for many years, but I pushed myself hard.  I knew my life would be so boring if I didn't.  As you know it took me great strength to listen to my doctor and stop the anti depressant to see how I went.  So far, I am fine.  But yes it takes great strength to do anything.  You may find that strength.

Dear friend, I wish you well in this life, and I know that people here cannot do more.  all the time we have been pushing you to contact the outside world, and get more of a life.  I know we cannot ever help you now.  You do not, or cannot change.  It is an illness you, and you cannot change how you are.  It is very sad for us, as we did so want you to get more out of life.  You could have many years ahead of you.  I thought things were looking up for you, I really did.

Can we help in any other way.  I fear we will always be urging you to do more, but that is not what you want.

Take care

[nursegirl6572]

Mandy, have you ever heard of agoraphobia?  IMO, it sounds like you may have developed that, from not going out for so long.  Basically, it's avoidant behavior fueled by anxiety, the kind of anxiety you describe...the fear that something will happen, etc.  I know you've had some bad experiences, but it won't always be that way.  

YOU have the reins, you can plan to do anything you want.  You can choose to pick activities that DON'T involve a lot of walking.  I can promise you that a senior center is only going to host activities that involve sitting, socializing, that kind of thing.  Hence why it's a "senior center", it's geared toward people who DO have limitations of various types.

I'll be honest, I think you've just gotten so used to your reasons why you "can't" that it easier to just say, "yeah, but......" than to say, "I'll give it a try".  I have all of the confidence in the world that you would be just fine taking part in easy activities.  You're stuck in the rut of telling yourself you can't.  While I know you have limitations, you really sell yourself short.  Until YOU change that way of thinking, nothing will ever change.

Start small, and go from there.  Isn't it time to stop all the negativity and start believing in yourself?  If only a little?  You have yourself made out to be a decrepit disabled woman with no purpose, if WE all know that's not true, why don't you?  Because you've reinforced those thoughts so long that you believe them.

When is your dinner scheduled for?

[mandy876]

  if i walk very long my back hurts bad.  i have a cold sweat it is so bad my hair getsopin wet.  and it drips on the floor.  im feel like i am in a tunnel.  i dont here much and it is scary.  i hate this feeling it scares.  i am afraid i will pass out again.  i went with  my frind beore she moved away i told her i did not feel right.  sje said i fell n the floor i thought i went out 4 times but she said it was 4 tmes.  the last time i tried to get up i felt a hand on my shoulder and it was the manager and he pu me in a wheel chair.  he wanted to know if i wante an ambulance i said no i want to go home. She never asked me to go shopping anymore.she is older than me.  she was out neighbor,  we had great times.  she retired, and said she had.never gone shopping just to look.  she went a lot at first but theyoved a.  as all my friends do.  i talk to her on the internet.  she is really sweet.  her husband is kind of mean.  no he is really mean.  justt telling you why i am afraid to go out where i might have o do much walking.  mandy 876

[4Maddie44]

Mandy I am the same age as you.  I don't go out partying, as you put it, but I do go out and socialise.  I have arthritis too, but that does not stop me from going out of the house to meet other people.  We are definitely not too old to go out.  It is not suggested that you try to be young, just be your age.  There are plenty of things that older people can do that does not involve trying to be young or going "partying" as you put it.  

If all people our age stopped going out because we are getting older, it would be a very sad state of affairs.  It is not suggested you put on dancing shoes, just get out.  If Tammy can go out, why can't you?  At least you are meeting an old friend.  That is good news.  That is a step in the right direction.  Perhaps you could go out with her to places "old" folk go.  Just a meal and a chat would be so liberating.

[nursegirl6572]

" i am too old to start trying to be young and going out and partying."

LOL, is THAT what you think you're going to do at a senior center?  No one is remotely suggesting that you go "partying" or go out and try to be young!  

I'm very glad you decided to get together with your friend, I bet you will have a wonderful time.  Let us know how it goes.

[mandy876]

i am older and i cant walk for along while my back starts hurting.  last night i was having chest pains.  they finally passed.  i am too old to start trying to be young and going out and partying.  it is so sweet of all of you being here for me .  i am going to meet up with my dar friend.  i knew her mom and dad well.  they took me out to eat when i turned 16 .  right in th middle of eating her daddy said sweet 16 and never been kissed.  i was so shy i scootd down in my chair ebrryone was laughing.  he passed awat along time. ago and she said her mom passed a few years ago.  they lived next door to us for a while.  good people.  we both commentd tht we both married men with the same last name.  She is very out going has tons of friends.  she is a couple of years younger than me.  me and her and the girl that lives near us all went to the recreation hall and they had dances.  we had so much fun.  this popular guy asked me to be his partner.  that is the only way you could dance was to sign in as a couple.  it was so much fun.  thank you you brought back som good memories.  mandy876

[nursegirl6572]

Glad to hear things are still going well for you.  That's wonderful.  Nighthawk made some great points, I hope you will consider what she said.  Also, I think meeting up with your old HS friend sounds super!  You really should do it!  It will be fun, and it will do you good!!!

I wanted to point something out that you said, regarding Tammy...

"she had one special friend.  they went out yesterday evening to eat.  she asked me to go.  i told her to go enjoy  herself.  i think it is  good for her to get away and make her own friends apart from me. "

Hopefully you can see how your statement would apply to you as well.  You clearly recognize that getting out and socializing with others is good for Tammy, and it would be healthy for you too!

I think you should try what Nighthawk recommended and give the Senior Center a shot!  What do you have to lose?  Worst case scenario, if you absolutely hate it, you never have to go back.  My guess is, you will love it.

[mandy876]

you say the sweetest nice things.  things have been better.  she made friends with the women where she worked.  she had one special friend.  they went out yesterday evening to eat.  she asked me to go.  i told her to go enjoy  herself.  i think it is  good for her to get away and make her own friends apart from me.  the last thing she said as she was leaving was can i bringyou anything.  i said no.  she said i love you.  and left.  they have gone to windstar and had fun.  that is a slot machine place in north texas.  tammy and i went theree a lomg while back.  we did not win anything but had fun.  when she went with her friend she said i won the money i spent back.  i said great.  she said no i lot it again.  thats my tammy.  it is hard for two depressed people to live together.  but in a waay we are good for each   other.  we both love her daughter and two grand sons.  eone my favorite he lived with us with his mom for 5 years and now she has a 1 year old who is so silly.  he is just learning to walk.  he is little not like logan.  he looks like his daddy.  sometimes i can see jessica in his smiles.  they are having problems.  but she ants it to work.  he said if she leaves she is not taking the baby.  hee appoligized for the things knowing there is no way he could get him in thre cours.  because he want keep a job and his mom is a drug addict.  i met an old friend from high school and she wants too get together. she is really nice. it has been so long since i have seen her.  i think that would be fun. did i tell you jessie had endometreosis.  they scrape her uterus out.  she was really hurting.  she had it once before.  when they first got back together.  after  she had logan. they are moving back here i am not sure when probably when logan gets out of school.  thy are spending spring break with us.  all their friends are here and they both miss them.  thanks for all your help.  mandy876