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Avatar universal

Feeling empowered and superior through death

I am a hedonist and feel that pleasure is the only thing that matters in life and that if I don't have it, then I and this life are both worthless.  I am having severe chronic anhedonia that is there all the time and there are never brief moments (even a few seconds of pleasure).  What I am about to say here (as well as what I said in my previous topics) is not something that needs to be taken for granted by anyone else here, but is just how I personally feel.  Although I say I would feel empowered and superior through death, when you have anhedonia, you cannot experience such pleasurable feelings.  However, this would be the closest thing to a pleasurable feeling for me with what I am about to explain here:

I am an atheist who knows that, even though life is about not giving up and ending your life, I actually feel otherwise and I will present a compelling reason as to why:

There is something in life that I absolutely hate and wish to be superior to which would be acceptance of major problems in life (such as if I had to live the rest of my life in a hospital bed with cancer or live my entire life with little to no ability to experience pleasure from a mental condition known as anhedonia or depression). This sense of superiority can come in 2 forms: 1.) Having delusional fantasies and living a happy life not having to deal with these problems or 2.) Actually using a hard cold fact of reality to my advantage such as that, since there is no point in living and that we are just all going to forever die in the end anyway, instead of being someone who accepts major problems in life and continues to live on anyway, I will become a cold hard person and decide to do what I want by ending my pointless life. The cold hard fact of reality that since we are forever going to die in the end and that we might as well just kill ourselves, this is actually something liberating to me and I can use this fact of reality to become superior to acceptance of reality’s major problems. I would have given up and died. But at least I have given up and died as someone superior. I would actually feel empowered and superior for deciding to have given up and killed myself and feel that this cold hard fact of reality I stated is my best friend since I can use it to my advantage here.

Most people would not only consider those who give up and end their lives to be cowardly (weak), but they would also consider those who don’t deal with such problems and escape such problems through delusional fantasies to be cowardly as well.  But I, on the other hand, do not feel cowardly (weak).  Instead, I feel the opposite which would be feeling empowered by those things.  Therefore, since I feel empowered instead of cowardly (weak), this is what makes me the opposite of cowardly (weak) in that I would instead be a powerful human being.
12 Responses
480448 tn?1426948538
MATT...HAVE YOU READ ANY OF OUR SEVERAL REPLIES TO YOU????

You're just repeating the same things.  MANY of us have proven with counter-arguments that your thinking is flawed.

You have obsessive thought processes, and you need to get help, from a professional, or something.  If you're never willing to BUDGE and TRY to consider that you're way of thinking is WRONG, you'll never get better.

Killing yourself isn't going to accomplish any of the things you think it is....you'll just be dead and gone, that's really the end of it.  NO one is going to say..."Ahhhhhh, he HAD the answers...we should all just kill ourselves since we're going to die anyway!"

Matt...you're hopelessly "stuck" in your mind.  YOU are the only thing standing in your way of freedom from your depression, anhedonia, and anything else you want to decide you have.

You're stubborn to the point where you seldom even REPLY and enter into a discussion with us about this same topic.  Why is that?  Because you feel if you don't reply, that makes YOU "right"?  Do you not even READ the replies?  Do you think we're all just clueless maybe?
Avatar universal
Now there are two forms of strength in life: 1.) Deciding to live on in life anyway and never give up as well as for the sake of other people, or 2.) Giving yourself a sense of self-empowerment through death and ending your life.

Both forms of strength are just as good and I have found my own strength in life (which would be #2). You also have to consider the mindset I am having in deciding to end my life before you just jump to the conclusion that it is something cowardly (providing that anyone here would think so). I would not be giving up because life is too much (which might be considered something cowardly, but you have no right to tell these people that they are weak and cowardly. If you would know what it is like to live with the worst possible suffering, then I bet you wouldn't say that).

As I just stated, I would not be cowardly and giving up because life is too much. Rather, I would have a powerful totalitarian dictator personality in wanting to end all things inferior in my life (just like how Hitler wanted to end all of the Jews that he perceived as inferior. Except, that I am not like Hitler in the sense that I value other human beings, but I am Hitler in the sense that I wish to "kill" inferior problems in my life). Therefore, to end my inferior problems in life if they are something major, then I would obviously choose to end my life.
1551327 tn?1514045867
This is a very different situation than I am used to dealing with but I will say this:
The only reason I would say that you could kill yourself is if you think you have the ability to kill or negatively affect the world as you are part of this world and in the over all scheme of things this world does not want you to go away.  It is not me that doesn't want you to go away although I really wish you could stay.  You have said that you value other human beings and that means you are not a bad person and taking your life although it is empowering takes away the chance for your soul to learn.  You must learn how to live this life with what you have if you wish to stay.  I don't know what it is like to feel and I can't imagine it.  What I do know is that those of us on this Earth who have mood problems (like me) also have a way of looking at the world differently and sometimes that is a gift.  I would like to know how you see this world and some of your experiences with this.

Larry
1110049 tn?1409402144
I personally have found your comments really upsetting.
1551327 tn?1514045867
You are welcome to come on here for support and voice how you are feeling.  However, comments like this can hurt people and it goes against what we are doing here.  Please open up and refrain from posts like this.  They will be deleted if you continue.
480448 tn?1426948538
"As I just stated, I would not be cowardly and giving up because life is too much. Rather, I would have a powerful totalitarian dictator personality in wanting to end all things inferior in my life (just like how Hitler wanted to end all of the Jews that he perceived as inferior. Except, that I am not like Hitler in the sense that I value other human beings, but I am Hitler in the sense that I wish to "kill" inferior problems in my life). Therefore, to end my inferior problems in life if they are something major, then I would obviously choose to end my life."

That doesn't even make any sense.  How can you make a correlation between wanting to end all of your problems to Hitler, a man who thought genocide was an okay thing?  Night and day.

You need to get back in front of your doctor STAT.  Your thought processes are disturbing and bordering on delusional IMO.
480448 tn?1426948538
"but you have no right to tell these people that they are weak and cowardly. If you would know what it is like to live with the worst possible suffering, then I bet you wouldn't say that). "

Do you think you're the ONLY person suffering?  This forum is FULL of people who have struggled (some of us for the majority of our lives) with depression, anxiety, etc.

To think you're the only one who has ever suffered so much is just silly.  You couldn't have a group of people who understand this kind of struggle more...which is why I don't understand how you don't take anything we say seriously.  It's odd.
Avatar universal
I had a normal value towards pleasure like anyone else would.  But now that I have been through this depression and anhedonia, I know just how horrible it is to lose your pleasure and now I find that pleasure is the only greatest thing in life that matters.  If I can't have it back, then I and this life are totally worthless regardless of what anyone else here says otherwise.

Now I do know that there are other people suffering with this as well and that they do understand me.  I do not wish to offend them or try to convince them to go and kill themselves.  Instead, I am just saying how I personally feel and that if anyone can convince me that my views are wrong here.
480448 tn?1426948538
" Instead, I am just saying how I personally feel and that if anyone can convince me that my views are wrong here. "

They ARE wrong.....but you don't seem to want to listen to reason, or even try to listen.

Avatar universal
I guess it would be because I now have such a high value towards pleasure, that no amount of reasoning will change how I feel.  Some people would say that pleasure isn't all that important and that the pursuit of knowledge and many other such things in life is greater.  But I am an emotionally sensitive human being who values my own feelings (pleasure) rather than a knowledge sensitive human being who values the pursuit of knowledge and other such things.  I have no care or sensitivity whatsoever towards the pursuit of knowledge or any other such things.  

If I was the smartest genius in the world with no ability to experience pleasure and I had the choice to either: 1.) sacrifice all of my intelligence to have all my pleasure back, or 2.) sacrifice most of my intelligence to gain of most of my pleasure back, I would choose to sacrifice all of my intelligence to gain all of my pleasure back.
480448 tn?1426948538
Yeah, but you contradict yourself...before, you were stuck on "science" with no regard for emotions, theories, etc, remember?....now it's the opposite.  

Do you see how you're confusing your own mind?  You're like a taper recorder, playing the same tune over and over, until you switch songs....then you play THAT one.  No matter HOW hard anyone tries to help you change the channel, you resist, and just hit that "play button" again.
619439 tn?1282094079
Like it was stated earlier, you don't answer anyone's questions on here. Why?
You really need to see a psychiatrist ASAP. Are you currently seeing one? If not why? If you take this forum seriously then please answer these questions.
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