Having a hard time delaing with my Depression and Anxiety

[Craigers]

Lately this past several week I have been getting deeper and deeper into depression and getting panic attakcs. There has been an overwhelming of stress (i.e Relationship, financial situation, family ect ect). I take my medsications on a daily basis.  It seems something seems to happen after another and doesn't seem to stop. I have a difficult time of handeling stress and depression. I do get some support form signicant other, but she has a lot on her plate too.  I feel like I am hitting rock bottom and just can't seem to pull myself together. I have been doing some journaling and moodtracking on tis site so that my psychologist can see what my progress is each day. Some times I get side tracked and forget.  I am hoping I can get some support from the forum here as I do for others when I can. I continually get thoughts of suicide or cutting because of the fact I can't seem to get out of this depression.  As I have stated my old Psychologist has decided to quit her business without telling me. The last thing that they told me was she went on vacation for a couple of weeks until one day I called and told me she wasn't coming back.  This hurt me big time as I really liked her and the fact that I had put all my time and effort into my progress with her.

I am now with a new Dr and having to start all over. My PCP is wanting me to go to Windstone Behavioral health which I have told him fromt he word get go that I have had continuous problems with htem and that I could not fulfill his request.  This now is added to my plate cause my ins only covers this facility and there is no other location. He says that maybe since the last time I was there that there would be new staff.  I said I would prefer not to go there. He said he could compromise with me if I fulfilled a request on a regular basis and see my psychologist to get some help.  I said OK NP.  Anyway this is where I stand and hope someone can give me some feedback.  I still have the urge to cut, but trying to do other things I might enjoy.

Craig

[opus88]

You hv alot to bear my good man, more than most of us could ever imagine....and I agree problems seem to gather even more problems!
The only answers hv to be found wihin yourself and the belief that ur a beautiful human being that was put on earth for a reason,...granted that reason is sometimes not very visible, I too search.
Keep looking and never give up on yourself.
have u ever read THE SECRET?
TAKE CARE

[Craigers]

in regards to "I wish you well and hope that you do not give up and that you will be kind to yourself and love your life.  Never give up hope,  it can be a call away to a good Dr. who can help you! "

Sometimes things get so bad and seems like nothing goes right, it is very difficult not to give up hope.  I know people have told me that taking my own life is a very selfish thing to do, but that is omething that never seems to stop corssing my mind.  I just want to live peaceful and not be depressed all the time.  Even though I have someone in my life, when we argue all the time, I think that maybe I am better off just leaving this earth so that they (family, friends or significant other.) can stop getting so angry with me or frustrated cause they don't know how to handle my anxieties or depression or they have their own issues to deal with.  I don't want to feel pain any more.  I do try to go see my therapist on a regular basis, but that costs money too.  Out here is is called sundial or more commonly called Dial A Ride for people with disabilities who have difficuly riding the reqular bus. They charge (Sundial) $2 to your appointment ands $2 back. So I can only see my therapist once a week, or at least until summer is over. It is about 7 or 8 miles to the therapist but the wheelchair makes it.  I have laready had a medication change from Wellbutrin to Celexa 20mg.  Anyhow TY so kindly for the words of encouragement.

[Craigers]

I am trying to quit smoking but it has been very difficult for me to overcome it as my stress gets so overwhelming that I need something to help cut the edge off. I hear it form my doctors and family that I need to quit smoking.  I have been with my significant other for so many years, but now she doesn't want to go with me all because 1) Now I have a male Psych. and that because of the abuse she had with her ex she doesn't want to talk about issue we are having with him. And 2) She says all we ever talk about is her kids. I tell her that is not all that we talk about, but 80% of the time that is what starts most of our argueing.  Its either my oldest son who has many Mental ailments such as Mentally delayed, schitzo affectife Bi-Polar, depression and Panic attacks. My youngest who is 22 for some reason just doesn't stay out of trouble with  the law. Both does not currently live with us.  My youngest has a drug prob and still doesn't to grow up and get some help. And the only time my youngest calls is when he wants something. Never to just say hi or to see if we are still alive. He chooses to live with his biological father in Sacramento who himself is a druggie as well.

My fiance does suffer form PTSD, Anxiety/Panic attacks, High blood pressure, animic, Fybromyalgia, and Lupus.  I feel like I am always walking oin egg shells. I have told her that I love her unconditionally.  But sometimes she says to me do I love her constantly. And I tell her yes I do.  She says well sometimes she feels I don't.  She has been abused by her ex husband Physically, mentally and sexually.  She also has OCD.  Of all the years I have been with her, I have excepted her kids as my own rather than my step kids and so has my family. I have had some times where I wanted to call it quits all because I can't handle the stress.  We don't live together cause of the complex we live in is a single bedroom and too small for 2 people.  The complex we live in is for both senior and disabled.  It is a susidized housing.  We are thinking of getting our own place, but not so sure if I am ready for that yet.  Anyhow, sorry to talk your ears off, but this is how I am feeling right now and can give you an idea as to why I do the things that maybe unhealthy for m when I get overhwelmed (ie smoking, cutting, suicidal thoughts). I hardly get to see my family as they are busy with their own schedule. I only get to see my mother who has been my payee and brings over spending money once a week.  It seems every time we want to go to see my parents who does live about 5 miles from us in La Quinta Ca, there is ALWAYS AN EXCUSE.  This too doesn't make my depression any better. She is always busy with my grandmother who is 90 yrs old and lives in La Quinta in her own placew and then my nerice who is 14 yes old, because both my brother and hisa wife both teach and doesn't have a lot of time to take care of Rylie.  Thank you for the inputs you guys have been giving me and could use any of the feedback you can give me.

Craigers

[Ella789]

I also understand as I have delt with depression most all of my life.  I know the lows and how overwhelming life can be. I also know that I am on a journey that only I can control, and I go do whatever it takes to make my emotional life more stable.  I urge you to not give up on your search and not give in to the depression, find the right Dr who will invest the time it takes to help you get well.  Do not give up until you are feeling like you will be okay.  Sometimes it is all in finding the right Dr.  and giving them the information so they can make a good judgement call in prescribing the meds you may need.  I have anxiety that comes and goes,  it is agravated by stressful situations as the one recently is over having to testify in court before a jury.  It is over my son's child custody battle.  I just do not know if I can even open my mouth much less answer any questions.  Still, I know it is going to be a reality that I must testify and it bothers me to peices.  My Dr. called in a prescription for valium for me, God bless him,  and I am hopeful that it will help me at my court date.

I wish you well and hope that you do not give up and that you will be kind to yourself and love your life.  Never give up hope,  it can be a call away to a good Dr. who can help you!

Ella

[mammo]

Although I've suffered with sometimes very severe depression, I have never cut myself, so I really can't help you with that.  But I've had to overcome the lost of 9 people in my life, a son and grandson, and this is only the tip of the iceberg.  I watched my son and grandson go thru the type of pain and suffering the majority of us will never know, yet they fought everyday for just one more day in this world. Theirs was physical, which just added to my emotional problems, and almost put me with them. I think of their courage and strength, and it motivates me to be stronger, and to not dwell on people or things I cannot change.  I've accepted what is, (great loss) the economy, my financial problems, the fact that my surviving son still faces problems with the disease, and my remaining 2 grandsons could very well be facing this same horrid disease.  Things I can change I do, or am working on doing.  It does no good to worry over what you can't change, so concentrate on what you can.  If this facility is the only one that your insurance will cover, what choice do you have? I know that it's difficult when you have to start over with a new psychologist, but most of us have had to do this.  No, I didn't like having to re-hash my miserable childhood, and all I've endured up till now, but it wasn't the end of the world.  People come in and out of our lives for a reason and it's just part of life.  You can like someone a lot, but that doesn't mean that person is doing the best job for you. Maybe this new person was put in your life on purpose, to better help you.  Family problems, we all have, I have brothers and a sister I've not seen or talked to in 25 years.  They chose the low road, and I chose the high road.  Thye've all been in prison, and are druggies.  Having three babies, I didn't want them around my kids, poor role models, nor did I have time for all their bull ****.  I have a sister-in-law I talk to, who said they have all now want to see and talk to me, and I said no!  No hard feelings, no anger, nothing.  I had a choice to make many years ago as to what was best for me and my children, and they weren't part of it. We do have a lot of control over our lives, and for the most part only we can decide what kind of day we will have.  Don't give that power to anyone else.  I am still reeling from the loss of my sweet grandson just six months ago, and I DO understand depression and how strong a hold it can have on us, as I have dealt with it for 35 years.  Sometimes just looking at things differently can help a lot, and knowing that we're all enduring this lousy economy, losing our homes, and problems feeding our kids.  But it is what it is, and we just have to keep going, and doing what we can to move forward with our lives.  We have people in our lives that we love, and that love us, that in itself is worth so much.