I don't know whether or not I 'suffer from depression', I take no medications, and I shun alcohol and have never visited a councilor on this subject but I would like to know someone else's thoughts on this:
I am nearing 23 years old, have lived in my parents' house that entire time while my siblings have either: moved out successfully in the case of a younger brother, was forced out which was the case of the oldest was sent to live with his father (technically he's my 'half-brother') after trouble with the law, and younger sister who has had frequent falling-outs with my parents before, returned maybe a year ago from a spontaneous move many states away.
Out of the four of us, I have always felt, since elementary school to present, that I must do well in school, must stay well behaved, and needed to be the most successful of the 'kids.' I never spoke about the harsh teasing either due to looks, actions, or early speech difficulties. I know that my self-esteem truly is not where it should be, and I have put that and any boyfriend-girlfriend or anything close to sexual relationships out of the picture due to that and an inappropriate interaction during my elementary school years.
I've convinced myself that I am fine with all this, but what is truly seeming to bother me is my current situation. Something that has been going on since I graduated high school and dropped out of college roughly four years ago.
My mom is a recent breast cancer survivor. I believe that difficult time with the prescription medications and self-medicating and any where from five or more bottles of beer a night/day has changed her to where I am convinced that our relationship has turned abusive, not only towards me, but also her.
Her mood will swing from polite or happy, to angry or disgusted with just a sentence or thought. If I don't agree to do as she says, no questions asked or conditions asked for on my part, she will become angry, refer to past disagreements despite talks with my stoic dad in between us for us to both take a step back and actually discuss what she wants, and basically rant until it is done, either hours later with me refusing to talk to her in order to avoid her yelling at me, or me retreating to my room like a scolded teenager.
I can't convince her to attempt to treat me like an adult. I was the only one paying rent and paying it completely to both her and my father, and still, one slip, and I wasn't doing anything right. Not even a blink at any accomplishments, graduating with honors, high grades, full college course load while working a part time job. Instead whenever I put a task off or do not apply for the jobs she wants me to or sign up for the class of the week or jump up and go to any training that she happens to find in the newspaper, I am back on her won't-do-anything-for-me list. She refuses to leave the past years behind as teenager stages or what not behind us.
I have a feeling that it will always be this way as long as I am living under their roof, and have accepted it as long as I could and even then, I am still doing as she says, retreating to my room after she scolds me like I am a disobeying child all over again, but I have come to believe that this is not only damaging our relationship as mother/daughter, but also my mental state.
I have to live with her, work in the same building, I fear that I am shutting down as a person since all I want to do is hide away in my room, sleep, stuff my face with sugary foods, drinks, and chocolate. I avoid old friendships, and even a close friendship that I have had for ten years, longer than any other, and I don't enjoy or want to do the activities that I used to do.
My goal since dropping college was to move out. And I am still convinced that that is the only thing that will make this situation any better. Four years, and I am still in this house, barely managed to get a better job, and all I can do is apply for jobs and search for apartments near there, feeling sick to my stomach whenever I complete the first step of sending my resume and qualifying for the job and waiting for an interview or even afterwards, completely convinced that I am at the bottom of the list, and not good enough.
I can't count how many times I've thought of driving off the road and into a tree while driving. I am convinced that I won't but I don't know if that will ever become a more tempting option in the future.
Every thought along that line is, make sure that I have no chance of making it out of that alive, and it hurts because I want more. I want to move out and live on my own and travel and be HAPPY. I can forget a good amount of the time each day until she gets in one of her moods again.
I've been looking at fees for visiting a councilor about this, I've thought that I probably have depression for years, but probably not. It won't be the first time I am wrong about my health, and it won't be the last.
I just want distance from my parents... and I don't know why I am even bothering to waste your time with this. That is if this even makes it past whatever screening there is for you to read this, or even if there's a response. Writing it out doesn't help any more, and I'm just debating if I should spend money on a councilor (at least 110 dollars per visit locally for the cheapest, plus whatever fees they don't advertise) since my money is tight already with fixing my teeth that my parents saw fit to basically leave up to me once I hit high school.
It feels like I've just sat here complaining, and I'm tired of feeling like that for writing what's upsetting me.