I posted a few days ago and no one has answered me

[AnnaE]

I need support. Please see my original post.

[mommy52713]

i am so sorry you are going through all this i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers♥

[AnnaE]

Several of you have sent me very helpful notes. As a result of your understanding that I am coping with recent vision loss, and sorting out the emotional trauma that I experienced during meetings with my eye surgeon, this is the best day I have had since my left retina detached one year ago.

I have one "good" eye, but it will always be at risk because of a hereditary condition.

I feel a lot of strong emotions because this has happened to me. One of them is anger. When this happened to my daughter, I hardly spoke to anyone for four/five years. I am less angry because it is not my daughter this time, but me. I am more depressed because I worry about being able to do all I need to do. The emotional abuse from the doctor gives me flashbacks and nightmares. I feel so confused, because he was my doctor for 8 months. I feel anger, a sense of betrayal. fear, depression, etc. I had a nightmare that he was going to touch me, and I swung to fight him off, but I flung myself out of bed and across the room, because I was really striking at the air. I had a torn cartilage in my hip, a lump on my head, a sore rib cage, etc. I have had other horrible nightmares about him. I always die in the dream, a horrible death. In one dream,the surgeon dismembered me. In another dream, he and I fell off a tall building together. This could mean that we both were distressed. During the last three visits, he was fuirious with me. He lost it. I had done nothing to deserve this. I decided a week after the third visit, that I feared him too much to allow him to operate on me.

I realize now, as of Tuesday, that he has severe psycholoical issues. It took a long time to realize this. Now that I realize it, I am less suicidal, less depressed, less confused, and I feel more capable of helping myself.

During the medical treatment with him, I feared blindness so much that I could not stand it. My doctor never told me that I could lose my vision. or even my eye. A non-medical person in his office told me part of this, and I discovered the rest by reading in medical libraries. I did not know if one or two eyes would fail me. I felt like I was falling off a building; I feared the horrible abuse I would probably suffer as a blind person, becasue I have no support in the sense of anyone to check on me,

Now, I feel that some one has taken away a chunk of the world, and like I experience only a part of reality. Today, I realized why I love to take photographs. It is like I have that part of the world back. A good realization.

I feel suicidal often, but I could never put myself through pain.

I have looked for a group I could meet with, but I could not find one. I have only one friend that I talk to on the phone. We rarely see each other. because we both have so many responsibilities. I decided today that as soon as my dissertation is better, I am going to at least go to a lecture at the university once in a while, to have contact with people. I will start swimming again next week. I go to a nice store once a week, and I talk to people there. I also talk to drivers--I cannot drive. I have to go to the doctor a lot, too. I have been very sick with respiratory problems for mont, because the building where I met with the students was polluted. I could not teach in the building aymore, because they would not morve the class. At least I see people when I go to the doctor. I must work contantly to support myself, and to take care of myself, and to finish my degree, because I have been given a final deadline.

I felt that my last posting was necessary, because no one was listening to me.

A month ago, .someone took away my work with students, for unfair reasons .This work had helped me keep my mind off my eye. That is why I started it a few months ago. I loved the work and the students. This also happened in September. I also needed the money. This threw me into a different panic. I am working at something else on a temporary basis, and hope to take an online job soon. But I wonderes, "How can anyone hurt me more, when I have just lost vision?"

Thank all of you for listening.


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[ParamedFlorena]

Original post:
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/481053