Aa
Learning to walk again
To truly understand what I am going thru, you must understand what got me here. My life was pretty normal with no major events or tragedies until 2007. June 28th, 2007 to be more specific. That is the day my world as I knew it, began to crumble around me. My Mom was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer. Two days later her job cut her insurance, and fired her for having cancer. She battled cancer for a year and a half at one of the top cancer centers in the country. I lived with her and helped take care of her during her cancer fight. I saw the effects from day one to her last breath, In that year and a half I watched my mother slowly die, my nephew drank poison and almost died, my brother and his wife had 2 miscarriages, my Dad beat the crap out of my little brother, the day I found out my Mom's tumor had tripled in size was the same day I got a phone call from my Grandma saying my Dad had been in a severe motorcycle crash that put him in ICU for 2 months and permantly disabled him. A month later my Mom began a rapid decent and was put into isolation for her last Christmas. She was released in Jan. of '09 and returned home to die in peace. Jan 13, 2009, I walked in on my Mom dying and saw things no son should ever have to see. Later on, I had to quit my good job and move to WA to help my Dad with his recovery. I left my whole life behind, family, friends, everything I had known for 30 years, was now a world away. I now can only find part time work, I'm drowning in debt, and have been battling depression and thoughts of suicide for some time. I want to return to Cali, but can't seem to gain any traction in my life. I have no insurance thanks to being a part time worker now. I can't afford to go get help. I hate who I have let myself become and the thoughts that have come with it. Any thoughts, suggestions or ideas would be gladly appreciated.
The only way through all this is through. You are feeling like any right person would feel after this tragedy. Please give yourself time (I mean years) to recover and accept your feelings as they are. That is life, it is very f-ing hard. I hope that there are good times ahead for you.
I don't feel that I don't need help from other's. What I meant was that I don't want to feel like I depend on someone else to make it through my day. I understand I need help, but I don't need to be carried. When my mind is foggy and my thoughts are unclear, I hope I have someone to point me in the right direction. But when my mind is clear, I hold myself to a high standard that I can find the strength to fight my way through anything. I know I am a very strong person and it is there inside of me... but finding it lately has been tough. The weight of everything has finally left its mark. I know solving to work issue will allow me to solve a lot of other problems in my life. So I have a goal, I know where I want direction I want to go, all Ineed to do is keep a clear head til I can make that first step.
I can feel your anxiety and the pressure you are under by reading your post..
I think what you say about now you have more time on your hands you are drowning in your thoughts is extremely understandable but at the same time you have to deal with these thoughts at some point, they won't disappear by living out your Mother's dreams..it is a beautiful way of coping by living her wishes, but eventually you have to go through the grief process. It is probably the worst thing we could go through, but you will get through it..you have such a resilient personality, it is just that you are being drained by the grief now.
You need bereavement counselling and help with dealing with the traumatic stress aswell, that is what the flashbacks are about I think...
Guilt is part of the grieving process as you know, I remember how my Mother was when my Gran died, she had absolutely nothing to be guilty for but the grief will make you find something!
I'm sure your Mother understands that you wanted them to at least try! Even if she wanted to slip away without treatment, I'm sure she would understand that you weren't ready for her to go!
All the wonderful things you have done for her since her death are a stepping stone, I think what's hurting so much is the order in how you grief has worked itself..it might have been better for you to deal with the grief and then slowly work through all those precious things she wanted to do..but that is how you got through those first few weeks and months and I am certainly not saying that was wrong, I just think you need time for you..
I worry that you feel you don't want any help from others, that you feel you would rather be independent, why is that?
You already have pushed through so much crap, and you did it with style! You just need to get through this last hurdle, but remember it is so important because it is for you!
I think what you say about now you have more time on your hands you are drowning in your thoughts is extremely understandable but at the same time you have to deal with these thoughts at some point, they won't disappear by living out your Mother's dreams..it is a beautiful way of coping by living her wishes, but eventually you have to go through the grief process. It is probably the worst thing we could go through, but you will get through it..you have such a resilient personality, it is just that you are being drained by the grief now.
You need bereavement counselling and help with dealing with the traumatic stress aswell, that is what the flashbacks are about I think...
Guilt is part of the grieving process as you know, I remember how my Mother was when my Gran died, she had absolutely nothing to be guilty for but the grief will make you find something!
I'm sure your Mother understands that you wanted them to at least try! Even if she wanted to slip away without treatment, I'm sure she would understand that you weren't ready for her to go!
All the wonderful things you have done for her since her death are a stepping stone, I think what's hurting so much is the order in how you grief has worked itself..it might have been better for you to deal with the grief and then slowly work through all those precious things she wanted to do..but that is how you got through those first few weeks and months and I am certainly not saying that was wrong, I just think you need time for you..
I worry that you feel you don't want any help from others, that you feel you would rather be independent, why is that?
You already have pushed through so much crap, and you did it with style! You just need to get through this last hurdle, but remember it is so important because it is for you!
Thank you everyone for the kind words. It means a lot that people out there take the time to read and respond to someone else's problems. In response to some of the things that you guys have mentioned, I am trying my best to take small steps. After my Mom passed, I had a few friends that stuck by me and helped me when I wasn't able to help myself. One thing I found peace in was a bucket list my Mom and I made. I figured since she had a hard life and didn't have a chance to truly live, I would live for the both of us. I scattered some of her ashes while cage diving with Great White Sharks in Mexico, I have also stood toe to toe with 2 full grown grizzly bears and a bengal tiger, and just recently, I went skydiving to spread more of her ashes. I have some of the pics posted on my page. My adventures have been the one constant I can draw from that I know is purely my own. Meaning that I don't need to rely on others to help me stand... that I can face some of the scariest moments life has to offer, and I can fight through the fear and questions of doubt, and remain untouched. My issue now is that since I had to give up my job, I am not able to afford my adventures and left to drown in my own thoughts. When I am left to my thoughts, I get flash backs of when I walked in on her while she was drying. When her body went limp in my arms, and I yelled at her... that yell echos in my head. I also feel guilt because she had a do not resuscitate order, and I called 911, and she had to experience those feelings twice. I know that I did all I could and its just the depression messing with my mind. I know I have to keep fighting because I have so much more I need to do... to experience the life she didn't get the chance for her. I think that has been the one thing that has kept me from going over the edge. I know deep inside that if I could just find some sort of stepping stone, something to show me that I am getting back on my feet, I can put my head down and push my way through whatever crap life throws at me. The question is, when will I find it...
Wow i thought my life sucked! that my life was the hardest it could possibly! but i think you have put me to shame. You are amazing! I am sorry you had/have to go through this. If you have had the strength to go through this then you are so much stronger than me. and it is now time that someone looks after you. I am not sure how your system works ( i guess you live in America?) but do you have access to community care which is free? if you do or if you can get a benefit thing that will pay medical cost i really want you to get help. see a doctor and a psychologist and gets some support and then when you are feeling better and you can get some time off, i think you should go one a amazing holiday with your loved ones or alone( if you would perfer that) I think you deserve a metal!!!! ((((HUGS)))) I will be praying for you and i hope you feel better soon. feel feel to talk to me anytime if you want to rant or anything etc.
I agree with Chreey, what a huge amount of trauma you have been through, it's no wonder you feel so low.
Of course we would all do this for our parents, but you have practically propped up your whole world and the people in it..such a huge responsibility, but you did it and can be very proud of that, I know I would be! I fear my parents getting older and ill, I wonder how I would cope, but you did, and now you need to get your life back together..
I think if you could sort your debts out that could make a difference but right now I don't think that should be your priority, you are..
I am from the UK so it's hard for me to help with the medical insurance but I hope you could try the suggestions from Chreey.
I feel that medication would be a good starting place, you need something to prop you up and bring a little calmness to you..
Again I think counselling would really help too as the meds can only do so much, and it sounds like you would like someone to talk about each individual trauma you have been through, as they are no doubt affecting you, and it seems you would like to make sense of everything you have been through in order to move on..
Time is a good healer, but that will be hard to believe now..but you must be so strong to help all those family members..you just need to recover that strength.
Be kind to yourself, try to do positive small tasks for you, that will make you feel better, like you said you are learning to walk again, so take small steps and don't be impatient with yourself.
I feel that you need some tender loving care, and slowly bit by bit your life will start to get better. You have done so much but the aftermath is hard to deal with..
I hope you feel that you can do the things we have advised and feel that you can keep posting on here for support.
Of course we would all do this for our parents, but you have practically propped up your whole world and the people in it..such a huge responsibility, but you did it and can be very proud of that, I know I would be! I fear my parents getting older and ill, I wonder how I would cope, but you did, and now you need to get your life back together..
I think if you could sort your debts out that could make a difference but right now I don't think that should be your priority, you are..
I am from the UK so it's hard for me to help with the medical insurance but I hope you could try the suggestions from Chreey.
I feel that medication would be a good starting place, you need something to prop you up and bring a little calmness to you..
Again I think counselling would really help too as the meds can only do so much, and it sounds like you would like someone to talk about each individual trauma you have been through, as they are no doubt affecting you, and it seems you would like to make sense of everything you have been through in order to move on..
Time is a good healer, but that will be hard to believe now..but you must be so strong to help all those family members..you just need to recover that strength.
Be kind to yourself, try to do positive small tasks for you, that will make you feel better, like you said you are learning to walk again, so take small steps and don't be impatient with yourself.
I feel that you need some tender loving care, and slowly bit by bit your life will start to get better. You have done so much but the aftermath is hard to deal with..
I hope you feel that you can do the things we have advised and feel that you can keep posting on here for support.
Wow it sounds as if your life has been through the ringer. Im so sorry for the loss of your mother and all the trauma you've had to go through. It does sound like you need some counling and or medication to help ease your depression. I think that anyone probably would. Just some people choose to try to ease there pain in less positive ways like drugs and alcohol. But it is much better to do it the safe and healthy way by seeing a dr. And i know you said your in alot of debt and cant afford it. Since you are only working part time you may be able to get state insurance. Medicaid would probably be out because for an adult you cant make very much. Im not sure where your currently located but some states have other state insurance it may be worth checking into. Also if your prescribed medication if you make under a certain amount of money you can call the maker of the medication and a lot of time they will pay or portion if not all of the medication for you on a monthly basis. I know its hard but suicide is never an anwser. And im sure your mom wouldn't want you to do that. Life is hard and its supposed to be or we wouldn't learn anything from it. All we can do is do our best to be good people and take one day at a time.
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