Living with "the beast"

[akajulia]

Hi everyone, I have terrible morning anxiety these days, wake up early and cant go back to sleep.  I have been living with depression for 20 years, have a masters degree and hope for the future but feel like Iam falling apart.  I am very lonely even when I am with people, but I know that is part of the depression.  I can't shop for food, it's overwhelming.  I have recently started treatment again after neglecting my mental health.  Anyone out there have a long history of living with this horrible depressionat I call the "beast"?  Best of luck to everyone...get help, even ER, if you need it please!

[akajulia]

Yes you hit the nail on the head.
I have to remember what I like when I am "healthy" and go with that, otherwise i will be in a ball on the floor.  thank you Therese.

[therese83]

I am in a similar boat.

Try to do something you like, sometimes I have to remember what I used to like and force myself !

Follow through with the treatment, you do not have to feel like this.

I find eating something sweet in the morning helps. like pancakes with maple syrup.

Dont look at the clock when you wake up.  Set the alarm and then turn it away, Oh I remember that early retching nervous waking it is sh** that is all I can say about it.

[akajulia]

Thank you for your reply, I understand what you mean about support systems.  God it is hard to get the energy to connect with people.  I am forcing myself to go to church today, to a bridal shower...normal things that should be happy but I feel dread.  I would like to be part of your support system too.  I am going to start going to a depression support group this week I hope.  Let's all keep talking.
And thank you Mike, I fall into depression with good things too, change and aloneness.  I wish this could all go away, but I realize this is it, and try to use radical acceptance, a new idea for me.  Good luck.

[beelzebubba]

I have been living with depression for about 25 years now. I call it the dark pool because when I fall into it, I feel like I am drowning. The good thing to know is that for those of us who have a lifelong struggle with depression, that there will be times of happiness as well. They may seem brief at times, which is why I think we of this ilk appreciate it more than others. Me, I've had long periods of time when things were good, times when they were at least managable, and yes, times when shopping for food was too overwhelming. I think that one of the most important things to do is have a good support system. One that you can turn to when you need help. I know that is easier said then done, but sometimes those of us who are racked with depression have to find superhuman strength to do what we need to.
I'd like to be part of your support system if you'd like. Most people think of their family, friends, and doctors/therapists as their support system. And while that is true, I have found the comraderie with others suffering from this disorder is a great comfort as well. I learned that lesson in the hospital. My therapist would disagree. She says "Why would you want to hang out with depressed people?" Well doc, for two reasons. 1. They understand what I am going through, and 2. They need human contact (friends) because most people think, "why should I hang out with depressed people?" Duh!
Anyway I am glad you are here and posting and hoping. Those are all good signs.

[MMahon]

thanks to you too.  Mentally I have a lot of joy.  I have a great family and 2 grandchildren.
My body on the other hand is another thing.
One of the symptoms of my depression is Anhedonia.  It's the one symptom that has the most impact on my life.  It bad to experience depression and anxiety at serious levels, but to be brought 'to you knees' by positive things is something else.  It destroys the ego and makes life difficult to cope with.  It forces you to avoid the good things in life in order to avoid the terrible impact they have on you.  In this case, me.  It's being between a rock and a hard place.  But I've learned to 'deal'..few people understand it and me but what can I do?
I'm still here so for me that's a success.
Mike

[akajulia]

Thank you for your reply, we are not alone in this.  I hope that your life holds some joy MMahon.  
Angie

[MMahon]

Yes perhaps many of us can relate to your situation and know the aweful effects of depression and anxiety.
I was diagnosed with depression and generaized anxiety disorder 30 years ago.  I suffered symptoms of it for about 45 years.  
I remeber reading about Winston Churchill and his suffering from depression too.  He called it 'The Black Dog'.
One of the worst features of my depression was also the early morning awakenings, like the devil himself would grab me and shake me awake.  I got little sleep and was like a walking zombie most of the time.
It sounds like you have a good handle on things and will follow up on getting treatment.
We all want to put it behind us and pray we'll never see it again, but for many it's a lifetime concern and needs regular attention.
I'm sure you'll be feeling better in the near future.
Good luck.