Mental health

[Teajude]

I have an adult son who has lived with mental issues along with drug abuse. I believe he is a sociopath and now can't distinguish right and wrong. He has not worked in 2 years living off of anyone he can.I don't know how I can help him get on the right and somewhat normal track. He has violent outbursts and then has some remorse. Any suggestions where I can start.

teajude

[sara12345]

I would be absolutely firm on his not coming over to your place.  If you have to, get a restraining order.  You said originally that he has had violent outbursts.  If you have had any violence from him in the past, you could get one.  If he is ever violent with you, you MUST call the police.  

If he doesn't think that he has done anything wrong, I don't think that he will read the addiction books or do the meditation.  You going to visit him is a mistake if it is making you anxious.  Have your husband go alone and tell him that he cannot come back to you when he is out.  If he doesn't think that he has done anything wrong, when will you send him a firm message that what he has done is not right?  By sweet visits with gifts?  By letting him come back?  He won't understand why he can't come home and is just going to try to manipulate dear old Mom.  Is your counseling helping you at all?  It doesn't sound like it.  I can't fathom what you must be going through as his mother, and I fear that you are not hearing anything that I have to say. That's why you need counseling.  I really hope that you can finally see your son for what he is currently and take precautions.  With caring, Sara

[Teajude]

Well my son would like us to drive to see him tomorrow since he can have visitors. I am really anxious but I know he needs to see family and we are it. He still doesn't think he has done any wrong and so I will take some books about addiction and some meditations he can say. He sounded nervous this afternoon when we talked and thinks when he gets out he will come back here. I do not want that to happen and only have 2 weeks to figure out  how to make him understand that.. teajude

[sara12345]

I also think that you should have your chest pain checked out.  When I was a lot younger than you are now, I had chest pain and the doctors thought that I should get tested.  It turned out that I was completely okay. It was obviously from tremendous stress that I was under at the time.  BUT if you keep being stressed to that extent it can have consequences.  So I'm very glad that you are getting counseling. If you don't think that it is helping, then feel free to find someone else.

It is very important that you not support your son in any way when he chose jail over treatment.  Do not enable his behavior or you will have responsibility for what happens to him.  And do not let him into your house even for a visit.  If he is so drugged up and has mental problems, your safety is in jeopardy.  

Really sorry to sound so harsh. But you have a real problem on your hands.  You are doing the right things.  Hope that you will continue.

[Teajude]

Yes, there is alot going on with his mental condition. I have found some meeting times for dual diagnosis and I feel he fits this. He has been to psychiatrist and therapy in the last 2 years but the drug addiction has changed his personality so much I don't think he knows what normal is.. He has struggled with depression for years but again it heightens after a drug ordeal.. He doesn't have any real friends and so he always comes back to us for support.. But we can not live with him. It makes us too nervous and uncomfortable. He is very needy and only knows that behavior. Thanks for your reply... teajude

[remar]

It sounds to me like there is more than ADD and dyslexia going on. Was this a diagnosis from just one Dr and was it a Psychiatrist? I could be way off but it sounds like your son has possible borderline personality disorder. I'm not a Dr so there is no way I can say for sure. He has so many of the symptoms though. Can you do some research on this condition to see if you think he has any of the symptoms?
I'm so sorry you and your husband are going through this. The pain in your chest is most likely from stress. You may want to check with your Dr though to make sure that's what's going on.
How often will you be going to therapy? I think it's going to really help you deal with all of this.
We're here to listen and help anyway we can.  

[Teajude]

Thanks for the comments.  He has dilexia and adult add. He is in jail for a month so the charges of domestic abuse will be dropped so he said. After talking with him today  he said he could have taken the other deal of treatment.  He said no that he didn't need it. He has said to us several times that he feels normal when he does drugs. When he doesn't have them like now he is melancholy and cries. My husband and I have breathed a sigh of relief knowing he is under lock and key and is safe for now..I have went to counseling and I hope this will help this pain in my chest that I keep waking up to.  Teajude

[remar]

Can you say what your sons actual diagnosis was? Many people with a mental disorder will have some kind of addition. That is if the mental condition is not being treated properly.
I'm so sorry you and your husband are going through this. It can be so very hard to turn your back on your children because of course you love them. Sometimes it's what you have to do though so they will finally get the help they need.

[sara12345]

That's great that you are getting counseling.  You can worry all you want, but it won't make anything better. You will have to learn to let go of what you can't do anything about.  You will be there for him if he ever gets help with his problems.  Listen to your husband.  You can't keep getting the stress of it or it can kill you--literally.  Put your energies into others who need your love.  Everyone needs love.  But your son is beyond responding to it at the moment. You take care.  

[Teajude]

What I was trying to say is he mentally abuses people by the things he says. He makes you feel like it is your fault what he is doing.. Typical addict.. He did not physically hurt her. There is just a lot of verbal abuse from both. Not a good situation.. But he is not with her anymore. He needs help and soon. The addiction is first and then the mental health is next. It is a dual diaginosis that he needs help with..
teajude

[Anneinside]

You can be jailed for physical violence... but what is "mentally fighting"?

[Teajude]

Sara, Thanks for your reply.. He is 42 and is crashing and burning. He is now in jail for domestic violence. He was mentally fighting with his girlfriend but they were both on drugs. He tried to get us to drive 3 hours today to talk about his sentencing on Wed.  I am not feeling well and my husband said no..He said we are abandoning him cause no one else will put up with his crap.. Then he hung up. We did not go. We are in our 60's and it is very stressful for us.. I am seeing a therapist on Wed. so I can work through this. I can't sleep and worry constantly about this situation.. I know I have no control but when he starts begging it tugs at my heart. I am frustrated..  
teajude

[sara12345]

Thank you so much for your comment.  It is much appreciated.
Sara

[MYoungAtHeart]

I read this thread and just wanted to tell you that you said everything in less time and words then i could have used.....Thank you for helping Teajude......Your advice is quite sound and clear and concise....

M

[sara12345]

You don't say whether your son is a minor.  It sounds like he isn't a minor when you say that he will live off of anyone.  You definitely need to get him out of your home for your own safety.  Even if he is a minor, you may need to get him elsewhere for your own protection.  Has he been to a doctor for medication or therapy or drug rehab?  If you can't get him to go, then you MUST let him go for now.   He has to be the one to seek help, or there is no way that he can be helped. Don't enable him with money or gifts in any way if he won't get help.  If he has drug problems that can look like someone is a sociopath which he may not be at all if he can get off the drugs.  You must set boundaries with your son around you.  Try to get counseling yourself to deal with the situation.  Wish you the best.  Sara