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Avatar universal

My Girlfriend Has Mdd and takes it out on me

Hi there

I'm new here and i have been looking for information and haven't really been able to get any help.

Right so where do i start...

I'm a 19 year old guy from the uk. My girlfriend of 10 months has Mdd. She swings in and out of phases of it and it varies in severity each time. We love each other very much and we are like perfect for eachother. Whenever we are together we always have a great time. She means the world to me like i can't think of one person who i would rather spend time with and be with for the rest of my life. She is that great.

Her Mdd can affect her quite badly at some points. She can have weekends when she is depressed and down for seemingly no reason and will push me away and not want to talk to me at all and will seem really depressed. She sometimes takes it out on herself which really upsets me :( I do try to help by just being there for her and asking her what's up and if she wants to talk about anything thats on her mind etc but usually its like getting blood from a stone. She just never wants to talk about it or anything? More recently she has changed to taking it out on me. This is something which is rather bothering us as i know she can't help it and its because of her mdd but she whenever we talk and is having a phase where she is grumpy will get annoyed and angry at me even though i do nothing at all to cause it or to upset her or wrong at all. I take it all on the chin and just like say your not being very nice and stuff but it spoils things for us and spoils our relationship because of that. I have asked her to try and help sort it by trying to not take things out on me as it just upsets us and i'm doing anything and everything i can to make her happy and keep her from being upset and stuff. She is stressed at the moment because of the amount of work she has so i'm guessing that is what is causing her Mdd to flair up more often and is causing her to be like that with me. What should i do? Some advice on how people think i should act and what i should do to make things better for her would be great.

Should i just if she is being grumpy point it out to her and then just try and do things to make her happy or just ask if she wants some space and give it to her? What do you all think? I love her so much and just want to make everything better and stop her from having a go at me and making things hard between us by being like that with me for little or no reason at all. I just want us to be happy and great and for her to be happy and her mdd not get to her as much. When we first started dating and going out and for the best part of 6 months everything was great and it was not really a problem too.

Any help and advice would be great

9 Responses
Avatar universal
Would anyone be able to give me some advice?
Avatar universal
Has your girlfriend ever been in therapy? You say she has MDD. Was she diagnosed by a Psychiatrist? If she's not in therapy I would highly recommend it. She might need to be on meds also to help with her depression.
You sound like a very caring person and she's lucky to have to have you care so much about her. I really hope the both of you can get this figured out. Talk to her about the therapy.
We're always here to listen and help anyway we can.
Avatar universal
She has been diagnosed with it at a psychiatrist and a doctors. She has chosen not to have therapy for it and does not wish to be put on medication because of the side effects so she wants to fight it naturally so to speak. She does an amazing job with it just that sometimes when she is down she takes it out on me by being angry towards me and gets annoyed at me for virtually no reason. I want to stop that from happening so much because it affects our relationship and her a lot because she gets down and then just is upset and down for days on end which its not nice to see her having to deal with. She is an amazing woman and the best girlfriend and i just want to help make it better for her. What would you suggest i do whenever she starts to take things out on me? Should i give her space and stuff or just try and comfort her? I never lose my temper when she is like that as i know its her MDD which is causing it and i usually just tell her that she isn't being nice and needs to relax and calm down. How would you suggest i help? She doesn't really like to talk about it all and whenever she is down she tends to push me away.
480448 tn?1426948538
Hello and welcome!

Well, to be honest, it doesn't sound like your GF is addressing her MDD at all.  Obviously, her attempts to address it "naturally" or on her own, aren't working, from what you've described.  She isn't doing enough to address it...she needs to seek help, and if she's not willing to do that, I'm sorry to say, but that may make for a difficult situation for you.

It's hard enough to be the loved one of someone with a mental illness as it is.  It's wonderful that you want to be supportive and help her, but you must understand that beyond just being supportive, there isn't much YOU can do for her.  She has to help herself.  Also, I have a feeling that she uses her disorder as an excuse to act poorly, taking out her stresses on you.  That's never okay.  While those of us with a mental illness certainly have more challenges, and may act in ways we're not always proud of, I don't like to hear that a person is excusing their bad behavior because of their disorder.

My advice to you is to be honest with her..try to have a calm conversation with her.  Tell her you're concerned and that you see lots of signs that her disorder is not being managed at all.  Encourage her to seek help.  Explain to her that you understand that YOU cannot do much to help her, beyond supporting her, and be clear that you are NOT okay with her taking things out on YOU, in the name of her MDD.

I'm going to be very honest with you...you're a young man, and haven't been in this relationship for very long.  I understand that you love her, but PLEASE keep in mind that we "date" for a reason...to find a life partner that is compatible for us, and find someone we feel we would want to spend our lives with, after getting to know them.  Not everyone we date is supposed to be our "forever" person, and you need to keep that in mind.  After only 10 months, there is an awful lot of turmoil in the relationship, and to be honest, it sounds very lopsided, with YOU wanting to do all of the work, and her not being willing to do a whole lot to either help herself, or being willing to listen to your concerns.  That's not a good sign coming out of the gate.

I'm not saying you should give up on her, but I AM saying that you need to remember the above things I've mentioned and keep in mind that it would be a bad decision to continue spending time trying to work on something that the other party seems to have little interest on working on.  

Relationships take the work of TWO people, and right now..you're doing all of the work.  I would recommend you staying busy with other aspects of your life, on top of the time you spend with her.  Keep close with your friends, stay active with hobbies, school, etc.  Do not let her problems overwhelm you and become YOUR problems, because like I said, YOU cannt "fix" her.  SHE has to do the work to get her MDD under control.  To be very frank, if she continues to be unwilling to do that, I would think long and hard about continuing this relationship, as it very likely will only lead you to heartbreak.  

It MAY be that she just doesn't end up being the right person for you...NOT because she has MDD, but rather because she is unwilling to address it.  I wouldn't recommend that ANYONE purposely put themselves in the position to have to deal with that..certainly not in a dating situation, no way.  I think you've already gone above and beyond and been very patient...time to put the ball in her court.  I certainly hope, for her OWN sake and yours that she starts putting forth the effort to improve her situation.

Keep in touch, let us know how it's going!
Avatar universal
Nursegirl gave you some excellent advice.  It is very caring and gentle the way that she put it.  Now I'm going to give it to you more honestly.  Your girlfriend is pulling a fast one on you by pretending that she can't control her behavior because of MDD.  It's not a psychotic disorder.  And her unwillingness to get therapy or medication means that you are in the position of just enabling her behavior.  I think that you could use therapy to deal with your relationship.  Your willingness to have the kind of abuse that you describe is a problem for you.  I have had MDD for a number of years.  In fact I was intensely suicidal for a few years.  But I never had no control over my behavior and never treated anyone disrespectfully.  Your girlfriend is not showing respect for you. You have fallen in love with her and can't see past it to see the reality of things.  In time you will resent her.  Just look at the many postings from women with depressed spouses. What a lot of angry, sad and train wrecked lives in those women.  Hope that you will get the help that you need.  Wish you the best.
Avatar universal
Hi there. Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to me about this. Its kinda hard for me because obviously as an outsider and not being very well educated on it all i dont really know what to do or where to go for information. She doesn't like to talk to me about it so its a rather big learning curve i have found. She has been trying to address it and deal with it in her own ways since she was diagnosed with it when she was 14 and to be honest she does a very good job with doing so. Its not all the time when it affects her but when it does she is down for days so is rather depressed and stuff over this time as i have explained. But she does tend to fight it and after a few days she is fine again which is a good thing but in that time when she is depressed and stuff she is rather horrible to me which is hard for me :/ i can deal with it though and i tend to just tell her that she is being horrible to me and ether leave her or ask if she wants to talk about it.

The thing is, is she doesn't want to go on medication because she is in medical college and has been learning about it and knows how bad the side affects can be so doesn't want that. She doesn't want to feel suicidal and stuff. I know that i cant help her and that she has to help herself but im sure that there are things that i can be doing that can make it better for her right?

Like you said i will talk to her about it next time she flares up at me and has a depressive stage ill talk to her about how im not ok with her taking things out on me and stuff. we are good at the moment though so that's good :) She is happy atm and her mdd hasn't affected her for a few days which is good. Everything seems to be ok now and she seems to have come out of the phase of taking it out on me constantly which is good.

Thank you taking the time to reply to me and i will remember what you have said and i have been thinking about it. I have explained to her how she needs to make sure to put effort in with trying to control it and not let it get to her and then take it out on me. She never used to but with the stress of college she has started to and it had lasted a good two months before it stopped the other day.

with regards to how she behaves how do you think i should act? Like what do you think i should do when she starts taking her MDD out on me and how do you think i should act to make her mdd a less of a problem? Do you think doing things to make her happy with make it less of a problem? I really hate seeing her upset and down and stuff and i just want us to be happy together.
Avatar universal
Thanks for your reply sara

What do you suggest i do to help sort it with her then? It is without a doubt her MDD that causes it because she starts off being slightly upset about something and it progressively gets worse and she gets down over a few days (say 2 days) then on the end of the second day for example she will start saying not very nice things to me if i do anything even slightly to annoy her. And will go all weird on me and say stuff like "why are we even in a relationship" and "you cause me to be like this and your the reason i am down" this then turns into her saying more horrible stuff to me and then being depressed towards herself and saying stuff like "its my fault im sorry im like this" and "i want you to leave me" and stuff like that :/ It hurts to see her be like this and for her to be like this with me. After going through those phases she will calm down and then apologize to me for being that way with me and treating me like that and she makes it up to me but i just dont want her to have to go through that because its not fair on her. I can hack it and suck it all up and take it all but i want her to be happy and not have to be down and stuff so what would you suggest i do to make it so she is less affected by this and how would you suggest i change so that her mdd is less of a problem for her? Do you think just whenever she is down giving her space might help or do you think i should try making her happy all the time to try and make her mdd not affect her and depress her?
Avatar universal
Im a bit stuck with what to do to be honest. At the moment things are pretty good now. Like there hasnt been any arguing or falling out and we have just been having nice times recently. She has been being a bit weird with me at times and when i have asked her whats up she has been like i dont know and i have been like well is there something bothering you or has something that has happened and she just is like no i just feel weird but dont know why and when she feels weird she sorta acts weird towards me so thats kinda odd but it happens all the time and she says its her mdd so im just like i hope you are ok and ask if there is anything i can do and stuff. Do you think that i should just keep making her happy and doing things for her to keep her in a good mood as a way to stop her MDD from flaring up? How do you think i should act when she takes her mdd out on me?
Avatar universal
There is nothing that you can do to make her happy all the time. Believe me when I tell you this.  She has to be the one to change things.  If she won't go to therapy or get medication, you have a life long problem with her which is only going to get worse.

Since you're obviously madly in love her and seem to be attracted to helping someone big time, I know that you won't leave her at this time.  You are telling her that her behavior bothers you, but she keeps doing it.  So all I can suggest at this time, is to just physically get away from her when she starts her bad behavior.  I didn't catch whether you are living together.  If so, I would move out.  Then when she has her bad times, just tell her why you are leaving to go home.  That is the only way that she MIGHT decide to get help.  And maybe not.  You are in love and are able to tolerate her MDD at this point, but it will get terrible for you in time.  

Millions and millions of people are on anti-depressants.  I am one of them.  I get no noticeable side effects from my anti-depressant, except that I am happy, have energy, and feel gratitude for what I do have in my life.  If she does have bad side effects that don't go away, she can just try another anti-depressant.  Have her look up telomeres and depression.  It explains what happens to people with depression on a cellular level.  People with long-term psychological stress or depression tend to develop earlier and more serious forms of physical illnesses that usually hit people in older age, such as stroke, dementia, heart disease, osteoporosis and diabetes.  I am an example.  I went through years of depression before there were any of the newer anti-depressants on the market.  At age 56 I had a major stroke. And I got osteoporosis at age 50.  

She also has absolute control over the way she treats you if her problem is depression.  Therapy could help her that way.  But why should she seek any help, when you are there doting on her?  I see a grim future for you, unless you get over your obsession with her.  I think that you are not likely to take any advice at this point in time and your girlfriend will just keep being miserable.

Just don't have any children with her, because the children will suffer enormously.  Children cannot separate from the abuse the way you do.  They will be tremendously damaged for life.

I do wish you the best.  It must be very difficult for you when you have such deep passion for this woman. There is nothing you can do to keep her from being abusive to you other than setting boundaries, like getting away from her.  Can you do that?  Or are you so addicted to her that you can't get away?  Think about it.  And good luck.
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