My life is crumbling, pscyhiatrist is not helping

[Matilda13]

I have dealt with mental illness since I was 6. I had always been anxious, but a first grade teacher kidnapped me from school and that's when the OCD and panic attacks started in full force. I've been dealing with it ever since. I'm managed to overcome OCD for the most part (except for my Trich, which sometimes flares up), I got over agoraphobia and have learned to live with my panic attacks. I was even able to move to a different continent for the past year without encountering any major issues.

But in the past several years, I've slowly sunk into a depression that my psychiatrist says will pass but never does. My family situation is crumbling in chaos and it seems I can find nobody to help me (I am an only child). Ever since my grandfather died 10 years ago, my mom started sleeping all day and only waking up at night (it's gotten worse - now she sleeps from around 4pm to 4am). She keeps piles of papers all over the house (to the point where you can't step on the floor without stepping on paper first, if you can get around the files) and won't leave to go anywhere or do anything. Her license even expired a year ago and she won't get a new one because she always claims she's too tired or has a headache. She makes up crazy stories about things that happened to her, and accuses my dad and I of trying to trap or "cage" her - when we want nothing more than to have her get out of the house as much as she likes and be the person she used to be. She tells me I'm worthless on a weekly basis, that I haven't ever helped her, and she disparages everything I do. She's been known to deal with multiple personalities (that seems to be more rare these days), where she would act like a 5 year old and I'd have to be a mom to her because she would scream when my dad got near. This started in 11th grade, when I was 16 and not equipped to care for her. I lost a lot of friends because I was always canceling going out, and my family wouldn't let me tell them why or that anything was wrong. Multiple times she's tried to kill herself - in high school I had to break a wardrobe (knocking it over to get to her room) to find her with a bag over her head trying to suffocate. It got to the point where once she was talking to the only friend left she hasn't alienated (she finds a way to tell them all that they are unappreciative of her attention and care) and telling her how awful and abusive and ungrateful my father and I are. The friend got worried about my mom and called the police, who came to our house and checked in. My mom yelled at the police and told them to get the hell out of her room, and then she called her friend, who was doing the right thing, to tell her that she would never speak to her again. And that's just to name a few. I've also found knives hidden in my room when I've come back to live or visit, "in case your father tries to hurt me." My dad is the most gentle person I know. He would never hurt anyone on purpose, and I'm not just saying that because he's my dad, but because I've objectively observed all the occasions he's tried to help her and she claims it's abuse (like holding her arm and telling her it would be good to get out of bed and eat something - she turns it into "you grabbed me and yanked my arm out of my socket and now I can't move my entire arm."). I never know what she's going to be angry about next (and I'm devastated that despite all of the things I've done for her and the ways I've tried to help her, she flat out thinks I'm awful and she's failed as a mother). I'm having a nervous breakdown because of it. She refuses to be institutionalized and I don't have the power of attorney to do it, so I am totally helpless.

My dad, on the other hand, works way too much and spends so much time being yelled at by my mom, that I am worried about his health. I am afraid he's going to have a heart attack someday soon (he's 60). Plus, he's been having a lot of symptoms of early Alzheimer's that scare me. (I know a lot about it because I watched my grandmother and great grandmother die of it). At night it's the worst - he tries to spit out a sentence but can't. He slurs his words and trips/falls a lot, he doesn't make any sense, and he's always making these weird facial expressions. (He's also a recovered alcoholic so in addition to worrying about the Alzheimer's I'm concerned he might be drinking again to deal with the stress, but I can't find any proof) I keep begging him to see a doctor and offering to take him and go with him (even though I've had brain surgery for a tumor and MRI machines cause me a great deal of anxiety). But he won't do anything.

I've just finished grad school and am living at home temporarily until I can find a job and make some money - but I am at a loss. All of my immediate relatives are dead (grandparents, etc.), and I have no siblings. I am completely alone, and between my two parents, I can't get either of them to get help, and it's killing me. My anxiety is through the roof. I already have tons of my own health problems to worry about (in addition to brain surgery, which left me with crippling migraines, I've had 2 sinus surgeries and a low-functioning immune system - not to mention my chronic anxiety and OCD). I've tried to instead to make my parents happy by doing well, getting good internships, and going to some of the top universities in the world - and it's never enough for my mom, and my dad is too confused or busy to notice. I just feel lost and like I have no purpose. I'm afraid to move out once I get a job because my mom throws things (bowls, forks, bottles, heavy objects)  and drives away when she gets mad (then switches personalities when she gets lost, so I have to go out after her at 3 in the morning when she has no idea where she is). I'm worried she will hurt herself or my dad, and that my dad will lose his memory or just keel over and die some day. Talked to my psychiatrist about it who was confident every time we talked (in the past decade) that it would resolve, but it's been happening for 10 YEARS. I don't know if I can take it much longer, but I don't know what to do to make a change.

PLEASE HELP! I am SO desperate right now, I just need someone with advice or even a place I can call for free to get more professional opinions.

I am lost and tired.

[CRSeaside]

Hi ! How are you feeling today?  For support I go to D B S A
And. N A M I.  Look them up online. They offer free support groups.
Feel Better. Pamela

[sara12345]

I too am very sorry to hear about all that you are having to go through.  You have had a tremendous amount of strength to have gone to college including grad school.  And with your OCD and your other medical problems, and with your mother--you are truly remarkable.

But your psychiatrist has been of no help to you.  Some of them are just in it for the money and don't want for you to not to need them any more.  No things are not going to get better.  In fact they are likely to get worse with your father's decline.  You need to not only find a different therapist, but also get some legal and social service advice about what to do with your parents.  You cannot keep running after your mother and hoping that she won't physically hurt your father.  She does need to be in a facility.  I'm hoping that you're in the US.  Call your county or city office and ask for help with social services to get options for your parents.  Or call a senior center and ask for their advice and recommendations for other sources. You may be able to get power of attorney or some other way to get your mother into a place. Talk to another lawyer about it.  Tell them the details that you have written above. You cannot handle all this by yourself.  And you need to get a life of your own.

The other matter that your psychiatrist has not helped you with is your relationship with your mother. She will always think poorly of you.  You need help to set emotional boundaries and to realize that your mother is mentally ill and not able to rationally think about you.  So very sorry that you have spent so much time getting nothing from your psychiatrist. And you do not need a high priced psychiatrist to get some good therapy.  Also a social worker is trained to deal with situations and know about resources to help you.

You will get better as your life evens out. But you will have to seek help.  I do wish you the very best.  You take care, dear one.  Things can get much better for you.  Please keep in touch about how things are going.  Sara

[4Maddie44]

Oh I am so sorry you have such a lot to contend with.  Peoploe here, I am sure, will be able to give advice and help you.  We all understand how hard depression is to live with.

I am so sorry your home situation is so bad, and that you have no support from your family.

If your psychiatrist is no help, maybe you could find another.  I know the first psychiatrist I had was no help at all.  Put me in a psychiatric hospital, and I dreaded seeing him.

Your dad sounds so nice, and my goodness you and he have a lot to put up with from your mum.  I do hope she is getting help with her problems.  

Have you seen a therapist and told them all these things that are happening between your parents?  

I don't know that I can help you in any way, but I am here if you want to "talk".  Sometimes just having a stranger to listen helps.

You will find a lot of support here.

The second one I saw was the opposite.  A lovely man, and so supportive.  It made all the difference to me.  I don't know if it is possible for you to ask to see another professional.