Starting To Get Depressed Again--Don't Know What To Do

[DLS22574]

I'm very upset and I don't know what to do.  About two years ago I was seriously depressed but I was able to recover somewhat (enough to function at least).  I could feel it coming back lately though.  My daughter has been having problems in school and just a few days ago my husband's grandmother passed away unexpectedly.  We all adored her, so it's been devastating for us.  My MIL asked if we could come down for the weekend so we could sort through Grandma's things and I told her yes.  I know my SIL will be arriving Saturday night, but that's okay because I would try to avoid her.  You see, for the past 15 years, my SIL has treated me very badly when I'm in her presence and has made it very clear, by body language and tone of voice, that she hates my guts.  I decided it a few years ago to just avoid her completely, which isn't too hard because she lives 1,000 miles away.  

Well, while I was trying to relax this evening, my husband comes up with this zinger.  "Don't think on Sunday you're going to just take off and avoid my sister.  I want you to push the reset button and start over fresh."  I'm floored by this because I have never said a mean word to her, even when I wanted to (and trust me, I've wanted to plenty of times).  I felt like he was blaming me for all this.  He has never believed me when I told him that she hates me.  I told him I was not willing to start fresh because I know she wouldn't be.  She's made several insincere apologies in the past only to go back to her old behavior.  My husband is the one picking her up at the airport and he told me he was going to tell her to stop being a b**** and treat me like a member of the family for once.  I told him it's not going to work because it didn't work in the past, and he said, "Yes, it will.  I'm going to force both of you to sit next to each other and you're both going to sit and make small talk whether you like it or not."

It's going to be extra depressing because she has a very interesting life and she loves to chat about it.  (She's extremely outgoing and talks a mile a minute.)  She does and has experienced a lot of things I would like to do but can't for various reasons.  So I'm going to be reminded of the very boring life I have yet again.  I know she is family and it's good that she's there, but I just don't want to talk to her or even be in the same room as her.  I am very angry my husband is forcing me to do this.  We had a huge fight about it this evening, which upset our children.  He thinks I've been making all this up the last 15 years because my SIL has never said she hates me to my face.  He says I'm reading too much into her body language, but I don't think I am.  She treats me completely different than the rest of the family.  Here are some examples:

She's a nonstop talker, unless I'm the only person in the room, then she's completely silent.

When I ask her a question or say hello, she usually completely ignores me, or she scoffs and rolls her eyes.

The last thing she said to me was "Don't even think of sitting at this table!"  This was at Thanksgiving.

She doesn't allow her current husband to talk to me.  When he so much as says hi to me, she either gives him a look of death or says "Why are you talking to her?"  And no, I've never flirted with him.  Am not that type of person at all.

Two years ago, I heard she heading out on a business trip to the next town over to where we live, so to make a goodwill gesture, I called her up and said she was welcome to stop by our house or we could go out to lunch to try to make amends.  She said, "Why would I want to do that?" and hung up.

That's just the tip of the iceberg, there's about a million more examples besides those.  I initially thought I did something wrong, because this behavior came on very suddenly.  Before she moved 1,000 miles away, we were very close but about a year after that, she came to visit us and I noticed she was barely talking to me.  I assumed it was because she was stressed out because she was going through a divorce, but over time I realized it had to do with me specifically.  I asked people what I did to make her angry with me, but nobody knew, which was unusual because she doesn't keep things to herself.  Finally a few years ago, I wrote her a note apologizing for whatever I had done to her.  My in-laws were going down to visit her so I asked them to deliver the note.  She never wrote me back, but I guess she read the note and said to them, "Okay,  what exactly did she do because I don't remember it."  They asked her if she was angry at me for any reason, and she said no.  I pretty much gave up after that and just decided to pretend she doesn't exist, because her behavior was/is driving me insane.

I'm starting to feel that Grandma is the lucky one here!  I don't expect any solutions to my problem (though I'm still trying to find a way to get out of this situation).  I desperately needed to vent and if anyone has any sort of insight on why she's been acting so weird these last 15 years or have been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear from you.

[remar]

I'm so glad you put your foot down and decided not to go. Good for you! I see this kind of thing happen all the time with families and it's such a shame. A time when the family should gather together and support each other. Yet, the true selfish person can come out in some people. Things are just things and really mean nothing. You sure can't take them with you. What matters is family. Maybe one day you and your SIL will be friends. Maybe not. At least you protected yourself by not going. I lost over a 30 year friendship with my SIL within a few minutes. I had no idea she was the way she was. I sure found out when my mother in law passed and there where things and money involved.

[DLS22574]

Thanks for your advice!  I did what you said and told my husband I was not going.  He was very upset to hear this, but I think he realized that things would be ten times worse if he dragged me out there, so he let me stay home.

I think it worked out for the best.  We live 150 miles away from his grandmother and we would have to go back and forth several times because the kids still have school.  It would have been hard for me to see his grandmother's house being emptied because I've known her for 22 years and we used to spend a lot of time at her house.  Besides, there's not much of hers that I wanted, only like 2 things.  Plus, I'm soooo relieved to not have to deal with SIL.  I don't know what her problem is, and I'm sick of trying to figure it out.  She is very close to the rest of the family.  I'm the only one she hates.  I don't think it's the cause of my depression, but it certainly doesn't help matters.

I'm so sorry about what you had to go through with your SIL.  Reminds me of my side of the family.  Nobody talks to anybody else except when someone dies.  Your situation reminds me of when my grandmother (my Dad's mom died).  Everybody was fighting over her stuff.  My dad's sister is a real b**** and wanted my grandmother's house, even though my dad had owned the house for 20 years.  My uncle emptied my grandmother's checking and savings about five minutes after she passed away and my dad had to pay for the funeral with his own money.  I decided not to go to her funeral because of this.  I just didn't want to be involved.

Luckily, my husband's family get along a little better.  There's been no fighting so far, at least that's what he told me on the phone.

Thanks again for your advice.