Am I depressed

[ear22]

I know that life is not perfect.  I believe that happiness is a feeling and not a destination.  I feel like I might really be sick with depression though.  I get constant headaches and chest pains.  I worry about everything because if I do not then who will.  My husband and I are having sexually issues along with other issues.  I feel like we have just grown apart and he just does not want to accept that.  We have children and some days I feel like I can't offer them anything, although I push myself to do all I can for them.  It's just gotten really hard for me to sleep and when I do get sleep, it's hard to get out of bed.  I feel worn out and I have no one to talk to.  I have no friends and my marriage is breaking.  I can't afford to go to the doctors.

[ear22]

It's not that I compare myself to one individual, but to what I think I should be doing.  Yes, those are the things I feel guilty about, but seeing someone else write them like that, I guess it sounds pretty dumb to feel guilty about.  

[FergalEmmanuel]

Replace negative thoughts with positive ones: Instantly when a negative thought or feeling appears change your conscious mind: you can only think about one thing at a time, so stop negative thoughts by filling up with positive ones. And you can check with mental health care clinics in your area where you see a trained professional & they charge on your ability to pay.

[LALEAH]

On the support side, almost every woman deals with the same situation at some time.  I think it boils down to intelligence, will or planned helplessness.  What better way to get out of doing something than doing it badly.  LOL My engineer husband stated he couldn't figure out the velcro on the diapers and that was why they always fell.  I love the memories of that day.  What, 4 yrs of college and robotics degree and he was beaten by two little strips of velcro?  I will leave the rest of the conversation to your imagination. Reality is, they don't have to clean the mess so they don't care.  I am sorry he doesn't do more.  Keep trying to integrate him into the routine slowly.  You don't have to spend money to get out.  Just go to the library (do they have reading groups for kids?) for quiet time.  Can you organize a small co-op with other moms in the same situation?  What about the park?  I got to walk for exercise around the park as the kids played.  If you leave, put out three activities and tell your husband that they are the only ones the kids are to play with; other activities are scheduled and saved for tomorrow.  Listen, you have to rethink the TV/Video.  It is not babysitting and find something educational.  There Goes a Truck, SPOT; these are good.  One thing that worries me is that you always keep mentioning how you feel guilty.  Guilty about what?  Being there as a good mom to your children?  Not entertaining them 24/7?  Not having enough energy to keep up with them?  Not allowing them to learn how to play on their own?  What is the guilt all about?  Are you comparing yourself to someone else?  Do you have baby gates so the kids can play in their rooms while you do laundry, cook, etc?  Teach the kids how to clean up messes with you.  Make up a song while you each see who can find the next thing to go into the box.  You have to realize there is a line between being a good mom and smothering the children.  It sounds like the guilt could be a symptom of over mothering.  That can be harmful to the children also.  You cannot expect to guide everything they do all day.   You sitting with them at bedtime and reading a book or telling a story is the moment that they will remember forever.  The small things made important and not the constant attention are what you need to focus on.  good luck.  

[ear22]

I have been starting to let them have free time for an hour, but I was feeling guilty about it.  My youngest does take a nap and that is when me and my 3 year old have individual play, like doing workbooks, painting, whatever it is she wants to do.  That's funny.  If I leave my kids with him though, I just have a bigger mess to clean up when I get home and It's not worth not taking them with me.  My oldest is in school and helps out.  I wish I could get out once a week, but I can't afford to go out once a week.  I hope they can help me too.  Thank you for all you kind words and advice.

[ear22]

You did not offend me at all!  I appreciate you taking the time out to talk to me.  I'm sorry their father doesn't help you very much.  I do pressure myself, but only because I'm the only one who teaches and plays with my kids.  My husbands idea of watching them is letting them run wild around the house.  I'll go to the store for an hour or so and leave the kids with him and when I get home there are spaghetti noodles all over the floor, marker all over my 3 year old, and it's just a big mess.  I have not tried a letter, but I will.  I think he just does not take me seriously.  I am ok, but I want to feel good ya know?  Thank you very much for the conversation and I hope all is well with you.

[LALEAH]

I have to agree with looloo141 that the mother carries most of the pressure and you really could use a break.  You need to relax about entertaining the children all day.  They have to learn how to play by themselves.  Can you give them an hour a day where they have personal play time alone?  Start this routine by initiating quiet time and read them a couple books. Make it where the book is the signal that after reading they have their own play time.  Does the youngest take a nap still?  That could be the individual play time for the others.  You get time out to relax, read, have a favorite drink and take a breather.  The TV will not become a babysitter.  If used properly it can be a tool to assist you thru the toughest times.  Used as a small reward, it works and there is no harm.  A lot of TV is dumbed down but there are entertaining and educational shows or movies that would make you feel more comfortable in using the television as a tool. This is extreme, but what if you leave to buy groceries when he comes home one day.  I did this when my husband made a comment about why the house was not cleaned.  So, when he was recementing the back steps I left.  Put both kids outside with him and listened behind the fence.  lol  I returned two hours later.  He never made that comment again.  Sometimes, you have to train the men.  A slow gradual process. Start dinner and ask him to stir some things for a minute or two while you have to attend to the kids.  Slowly integrate him into helping.  Setting the table, getting the youngest into a high chair.  Consider reversing your day and take your personal time in the morning.  Maybe you will be refreshed to deal with the hectic evenings.  Schedule one night a week to go out.  Explain to your husband that you understand his need to relax after work, however, your day has no breaks.  So you are taking one evening a week, as opposed to his 5 or 7 for yourself.  And do it.  Don't allow him to guilt you out of it.  He knows how to argue and trip the emotions that bring on your guilt.  You are a good mother but you are human and have limits.  I hope the Health Department helps.  .  

[looloo141]

Hello again, sorry if I offended you, I didn't mean too.. It seemed that you were putting a lot of pressure on yourself thats all..
I am a single parent and at times when I am doing things with the children I sit there and think " why is it all me? why does their father not do anything with them, how does he not feel guilty "
Sometimes it feels that all the pressure is on the Mums, and it usually is! I think you could really benefit from a break, let Dad take over for a while where he can...
I know for an absolute fact that nobody would think your a bad Mum for seeking help, child services are more worried about the people who aren't looking after the kids and in total denial!

I really don't know how you are going to get through to your Husband, he doesn't seem to listen..have you tried putting in it all in a letter? sometimes it sinks in more when they have to read it..

Hope you are OK!

[ear22]

My kids have never been harmed in any way.  I think I will call the health dept. today and talk to someone about financial assistance.  I just feel that if I am not interacting with them and playing with them all day then I'm not doing what I should be doing.  They get TV time, but I don't want the TV to become the babysitter you know.  They probably would like extra TV time though.  I do not tell my kids my relationship issues and my five year old does not tell me I overreact, in both references I was talking about my husband.  I have tried something similar to that, but then he says when he gets off work he wants to relax and hang out.  Then I usually have dinner to cook, bath time, story time, and then bed time.  After all of that is done I am tired and lay down, but I hardly ever fall asleep and then he will finally come in and he falls to sleep right away.  I'll check to see if the health dept. has counseling.  I know that some churches do, but you have to be a member of that church.  We do not belong to a church.  Thank you very much for your kind words.  I am very glad I made an account on this site it has made me feel so much better.

[LALEAH]

You will not be considered an unfit mother by seeking help at the health department.  You are tryinhg to make things better.  I worried about the same thing but my doctor, whom I trust, has explained that it cannot be used against you unless you hurt your children.  I am simplifying that but you will not be judged.  Please see them. Ask about assistance in affording medication.  Some companies offer financial assistance.  Do not hesitate to call them if the doctor feels you need a prescription.  The medical offices get plenty of free samples to hold you over until you can get help in another way.  You are **** a wonderful job with your children.  But you must understand that they are old enough to underand that Mom needs some personal time or time to rest.  I have done this with my children since they were little.  They don't need the particulars except you don't feel well and need time to yourself.  Plan something like a new or favorite movie for them to watch while you rest.  Enforce quiet time by assigning a chore, like moping the kitchen floor, if they misbehave.  It is important that you get rest to provide for them.  This is not punishment on them as they also need to learn compassion and consideration toward others.  The older child can be responsible for reading books or playing quietly with the smaller children.  Responsibiltiy is important in any child.  Limit TV time for when you need to lie down.  Then it becomes a reward for them to allow you rest and they remain quiet.  My children have not been harmed in any way and makes sure things stay quiet for more tv time. lol    You are provided for your children, never forget that.  If you become ill, who takes care of them.  This is your role and an important one in maintaining your health also.  A five year old should not be telling you that you over react to life.  You also do not need to tell him your personal problems in your relationship.  Unless you are speaking of your husband in that reference.  Then you need to ask to sit together to talk.  It is 30 minutes, no children, where you talk without argument and actually hear each other.  Neither may get angry, walk out or insult the other person.  It is your time to communicate.  Neutral time.  State that you are exhausted, you need to recoup your energy and have a plan where you both can get the most of the day for each other and remain happy.  If he doesn't want to talk, you may have to do it on your own.  See if the Health Department has counseling available.  An outside view sometimes offers solutions you cannot visualize when in the problem.   I hope even one thing helps.  Just remember that you are a very good mom.  Don't ever second guess yourself there.  Take care of yourself.

[ear22]

I don't want you to misunderstand, I do my regular routine with them like story time at the library, the park once a week and so on, but it makes me miserable sometime, because I just do not feel up to doing those things, but I feel if I do not do what my children need/want then I am being selfish even if I do not feel good.  I do try to ease through the housework, but then my husband complains, so I feel bad and just do it all and I should because I am the wife and I do not work although I am a college student.  My kids are not old enough to understand, well maybe my oldest. I have a one year old, a three year old, and a five year old.  I have tried to talk to him about it, but he thinks I'm fine and just overreacting to life.  I have tried talking to him about the problems in our relationship, but he just doesn't want to hear it.  Thank you for the advice and comments!

[ear22]

Thanks very much for commenting.  There is a local health department, but I'm nervous to go there and tell them how I feel, because I don't want them to think I'm an unfit mother.  My kids are everything to me.  I really think if I just had someone to talk to about certain things, it would help me.

[ear22]

Thank you for the comment, I do live in the US.  I will definitely check out those books and the website.

[looloo141]

Hi there..it is an awful place you are in..when you feel you really can't do anything with the children, its good that you push yourself though, because it would batter your self esteem if you didn't.. I'm sure children know when their Mum feels this way because they seem to become more demanding of you and there energy is endless!

Try to go easy on yourself, do little things and rest in between, try not to pressure yourself about housework and other chores.. Depression is an illness and you need to rest.

Do the things you have to do but nothing else, everything is so tiring when you are depressed. Talk to the children, if they are old enough to understand, tell them that you don't feel very well and are having a rest.. This helps them to understand that your low mood is not their fault, its an ilness..the last thing you need is to be worrying excessively about how your kiddies are coping..

Does your Husband know how desperately low you are feeling ? It could be the reason why you are having difficulties in your relationship, it will definitely effect your libido!
Equally the relationship could be the cause of your depression, you really need to get things sorted out as soon as you feel up to it.

hugs

[rxlynn]

by rxlynn,
Please know that depression is a very common reaction to life's stresses.  While it may seem unaffordable, all communities have free sources of help.  The hardest part can be taking the 1st step....I can assure you there are so many people feeling the same way.  The organization nami.org and the book "Feeling Good" by Burns are really helpful.  But please know that talk therapy and sometimes medications are needed.  If you have any resources such as your kids' school, they may have a counselor who could direct you to a free clinic.  Best wishes...and please know you have already started to reach out.....many people are there for you.      

[lilymoon]

So sorry to hear this,there are other things you can do to maybe help yourself a little,there are some good helpful books out there for instance. Are you in the US? www.nami.org they might be able to help you somehow.
Two good books;Feeling good and mindfulness for depression.lily