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Avatar universal

Thinking of suicide at 43....mother, wife

I want to leave but I don't know what to do. I do and I don't. My teen daughter constantly fights with me. She sides with my husband a lot even if he's in on the argument. She doesn't need me anymore.
It all started when I was 2.5 yrs old. My dad committed suicide. Leaving my 25 yr old mom, 5.5 yr old brother and me.
Then, a few yrs later, my mom met someone. He sexually abused me from around 5-8 or 9. She asked me 1 time when I was around 7, if I was being touched. I was, by her boyfriend but I didn't tell her. I said no. Out of fear, embarrassment. Then a couple of yrs later, she caught him in the act with me. He went to jail, for 1 yr. When he got out, she invited him to our new home. I was confused as hell. I felt worthless. He visited a few times. They tried to be a couple, even going to my grandparents house. I felt like everyone let me down. One visit was a sleep over. He didn't physical try anything with me, but he did make a sexual facial expression he did to me b4. I knew she kept in contact with him, because when I was 14, she gave me the phone, and he was on the line. Like I'm supposed to talk to him? Wth? He asked questions like if I had a boyfriend and do we kiss, ect. I went through hell mentally after that fir yrs and I still suffer through all the memories and wonder what the hell? What mother would do this??? Even though I continued my life with my mom, its becoming harder to not forgive and forget what she has done. She has regretted it and asked for forgiveness. I lied n said I did forgive her. I can't! I just can't. He hot a hold of her later on when I was in my mid 30's... at the time she was a real estate agent. He was asking for help on a house. She refused n said he needed to apologize to me and my brother. What? I heard about this at around 41 yrs old, I'm 43. This makes me more upset. Why does one think they can up and call for help on a home? I think they've had remaind some kind of contact through the yrs. I hate her for that, even though I love my mom. I cannot forgive! She does not know the way I feel.
I married my high school sweetheart at 19. My husband has divorced parents. Everything was good up until both sets did not agree on marriage.  They despise me. I don't know why. His mom n step dad are fake. They are not people I like. His dad and step mom are dead to me. They pit me through hell and i want nothing to do with them.
We have 2 girls, like I said b4 my teen daughter literally picks fights with me. We have had a lot of problems with her since age 4. She still has tantrums. Great in school, not so great at home. My 10 year old almost 11 is changing. Shes getting mood swings and is sad and mad. Shes been through hell with her sister and all the yelling over the yrs.
My relationship with my husband is stable but not great. He's a medical retired vet. Has depression a seizure disorder. It's hard.

Recently had a fall out with my half brother who's 25 and mother. Over who they wanted to invite to my daughters party. It went way bad, misunderstanding and our relationship is crap now between my lil brother and I. My mom and I and my husband with them.
With all this being said and some other issues in life medically, I just feel like I'm at the end here. I feel like I was not meant to be here. I need out. I wish it was better, but it's not. By the way we have 5 cats and 1 dog. 1 cat lives in my room. I don't share my room with my husband because I'm an extremely light sleeper. He as a sleep disorder that keeps me up. So, I live with a cat that does the same thing. Jumps and plays, fights with other cats under the door. I get no sleep. I have fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease, herniated discs in my back from a bad car accident in early 2007. Been a stay at home mom, work very seldom. Feel worthless, always broke...So, why am I here?
4 Responses
15695260 tn?1549596713
Hello and welcome to MedHelp.  We've sent you a private message you may find on your home page as well as the email you signed up with.  Please reach out if we can do anything.  
973741 tn?1342346373
Oh my gosh!  Sweetie, I feel for you.  I always think that when we actually are thinking of things like suicide that we must have depression.  This is something you need to talk to your doctor about.  Depression can be treated!!  You are valuable and would leave a hole in people's heart no matter what you think!  I lost my mom at a fairly young age and recovering from that has yet to happen.  And it's been almost 25 years!  

I will tell you that I can relate and understand your post.  We put our life into raising our kids.  They are our joy and our work and our frustration and our heart.  :>)  I know.  I have two teenage boys myself.  I know that in the not too distant future, they will leave me to go begin their lives after life with me.  I can wallow in major grief over this.  But I also know that this is the way it is supposed to be.  That they WILL always love me and while it may be different, it will be a new chapter to write together.  Your daughter will always need you!  Do not doubt it even when she is trying to assert her independence.  

And it sounds like things have gotten a bit off track for being intimate with your husband.  And I don't mean sexually speaking but rather, emotionally intimate.  Would he or you be open to reconnecting?  Just planning a thing or two to do together to talk and hang out like you once did?  Marriages can get all sorts of side ways but sometimes, the things you like about the other person all these years start to come back when you remind yourself of them.  

What other kind of support do you have?  Friends?  Church?  A sibling you are close to?  These people and connections can bring great solace.  

And you are only 43!  That is incredibly young.  You actually could take some classes and start doing something you enjoy.  Maybe something would even pay you an income!  I did start dabbling in some things as my kids have gotten older that I enjoy.  Hobbies, jobs, etc.  It helps.  What do you like to do?

I'm sorry about the fibro, that's difficult and sleep issues and not getting enough can make everything worse.

But know, we're here to talk. There are helplines that are always ready to talk to you.  I had to call a poison control help line this past winter (long story, accidentally gave too much medicine to my younger child. . . ugh).  These people are articulate, kind and ready to talk and help!  I'm sure a line to talk to someone if you are thinking of hurting yourself in any way would be the same.  

Anyway, we really do care and I'm here if you need me.
3 Comments
Thank you very much! I don't have any friends, I'm very much a quiet home body . I get a lot of these thoughts in my head and I wonder if I'm better off not here. I do love my children with all my heart and husband, but I feel at times its too much and it's an easy way out. I'm trying to look into school again. I was in private university,  but it became too $$. Now I'm stuck with that bill and no 4yr degree. I haven't attended church in aong while. We need to as a family. I just feel we are all separating from ea other. It's so hard! I dont understand why I've been hurt so much, I'm not a mean person. In fact people step on me all the time. I wish I was stronger.
Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to reply! It means a lot to me.
Sweetie, we all have bad periods of time in our life.  Keep hope.  Part of depression is not having that hope.  I would absolutely talk to your doctor about depression.  Treating depression can be life saving.  And your life IS worth saving.  You want to be here to see grandkids some day, help one of your kids out if they have an issue, and to find whatever new purpose you discover for yourself in life.  There ARE things that can bring new meaning.  Yes, investigate options.  Maybe you don't need a four year degree but job training instead.  Community college classes that are not expensive.  I have a good friend who decided when her sons went into high school that she thought law was interesting. She hooked herself up with a community college here and went part time and even with part time, became a paralegal for less than $6,000 in under 2 years.  She works at a law office now three days a week and makes a nice and helpful income for her family. That's just an example.  

I'm a home body too but having one or two friends really helps.  When we feel bad about our life and ourselves though, it's harder to be up for making new friends.  But they are out there.  The other day I had a really rotten and self loathing kind of morning.  Everything seemed wrong and going bad.  I was not my best self with my kids which made me feel terribly guilty.  I was consumed with how bad I was feeling. Then out of the blue, a friend asked me to go for a walk.  I went and she launched about HER morning.  It was just like mine!  We talked the whole time about it, her and my bad morning.  lol.  It felt good!  I came away feeling like I was not alone and that tomorrow would be better.  Oh, and that I wasn't a terrible person and actually normal.  So, think about where you could make connections.  Prayer groups for women only at church really are good.  Volunteering somewhere is good. a health work out place (we belong to the Y) is somewhere I've always made friends, neighbors, etc.  

And I think you should focus on you right now.

If you had to name a trigger spot for your feelings, what do you think it would be?  Issues with your husband?  Your kids growing up?  Not feeling useful?  What do you think?  I'm just asking because whatever that is, we can talk about what maybe would make that thing better. But on the whole, if you treat your depression, making things in life better is a whole lot easier.  
I can't improve on Mom's response, just will add one thing.  You have kids.  You have a husband.  You are needed.  You also need them.  They are needed.  Trying to figure out why life is so hard is easy to do but useless.  Pretty much everyone has really bad times and really good times.  Hopefully they balance out.  When you suffer from depression, as it sounds like you do, no matter how you got that way, the nature of the disease is to feel that everything is hopeless and bad and out of your control.  You've had a lot of bad stuff happen in your life, but also a lot of good stuff.  No parent has perfect kids, kids will be a problem sometimes, and a joy at others, but once you decided to have them, you do have to take care of them.  To do that you need to try to take care of yourself and attend to your needs.  If the cat keeps you awake, kick the cat out of the bedroom and close the door.  Forgiveness isn't for the person who wrongs you necessarily, it's for you so you don't have to keep having bad thoughts about things.  Mom's advice of what to do is great, I hope you give it a try.  
Avatar universal
Thank you for sharing. I read your story. We all need positive human contact. A feeling of purpose and worth. Constant pain from fibro must feel awful! Blessings! I feel for you.
1 Comments
Thank you
973741 tn?1342346373
How are you doing today?  I hope things are a little better.  Let me know, okay?
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