Hey
I dont know whats wrong with me. Im constantly tired, i have so many plans and things i want to do but i
I only leave the house when i have to go to school, sometimes i manage to get out to go to the gym with friends but only on a good day - and good days have been becoming less and less. I think of going out for walks and to go buy stuff that i sometimes need but i never do. I always say tomorrow i will but i dont. When i make plans with people i usually flake out.
Im always so tired. I sometimes get up and walk around the house aimlessly because i dont belong anywhere and i just end up on the floor kind of crying and desperate or just apathetic.
I dont
I think a lot about suicide, i think i dont go through a day without thinking about it, but im always too much of a coward to actually do it. i dont wanna kill myself but i wouldnt mind dying. I have dreams and stuff i wanna do but there are times when the future doesnt seem worth it. living is too hard and im just weak i know i am. I wish i was stronger.
I have times when i eat too much, and that used to be my go to when i was really bad but lately i feel nauseated all day and i get sick just thinking about eating.
My family is **** and they have no clue, they barely spend time with me (i dont want to spend time with them but my parents job is the reason why they are hardly home and my sister has a boyfriend now and she is 24/7 with him) they think i am just lazy but they dont know whats going on in my head
During summer holidays i hardly slept at night, but i slept a lot during the day and those 3 months went by like a big muffled and foggy 2 weeks now that i think about it. and school is just somewhere else where inhave to put up an act
Im sorry about my writing i just cant be bothered right now
I have attended like 4 psychologists throughout my life but none were about depression. When i was little i went because i couldnt sleep alone, and now i went because of anxiety but i quit after the first time because i felt so stupid for going.
I never told anyone about this, im mostly alone reading or watching tv shows when i can but sometimes i just lay down thinking and wishing i could sleep until everything is gone.
I find it hard to motivate myself to wash my teeth and take baths or even go pee sometimes. I need to do those things and i eventually will, but i take time doing them, its like im psycologically tired.
And everything makes me irritated.
I have been feeling like this for 4 years, but its aggravated an awfull lot this past year.
Whats wrong with me? Is there a way I can go through this without going to see someone? I know its totally okay to go, but i always feel so stupid attending.
I feel stupid even posting this.