any suggestions?

[Brokenpieces]

I tried to post this in the ask a doctor section for the past few days but whenever I get the chance the mental health section has already reached its daily question limit, But I'm sick of waiting, so im asking you. Also if you're going to tell me I should speak to my counsellor or something dont bother replying cuz thats out of the question. Thanks in advance for any answers I get.


I need help, desperately, but have run out of places to turn. What I want is advice, suggestions anything or anything that can change me. Please, i'm desperate.

Anyway, this is my story. I have been depressed since childhood but only received any form of treatment when I was 16 after attemptting to kill myself. After that I became an in patient for a few weeks, where I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder and put on a low dose of anti-depressants. I also had counseling and CBT, both unsuccessful.

About 2 months later I returned (after a few short admissions) after attempting suicide again. Please note on both attempts I did not expect to wake up the next morning, but did not go to all lengths to ensure death. I also started self harming in between the 2 long admissions, reason being when I self harmed it eased the constant nagging thoughts of death. I was tried on a higher dose of anti-depressants and later in the several month long admission on a low dose of anti-psychotics. My current medication (the same since leaving hospital 3 months ago) is 325mg efexor and 10mg zyprexa. Another thing that started about 1/4 way through the admission was constant purging (started off at once a day, later turned into up to 7 times a day). The reason is complicated. I'm very obsessive, and always have been with food. Long story short I have gone through several stages of large weight loss (after greatly restricting) and each time gained back more. One of these "stages" occured during my admission, and I was forced to eat and later tube fed. I started the purging after that. They never found out and still dont know. My life went from being obsessed  about mental health to being obsessed with being thin (I cant explain. It became my life, it consumed me, and still does) *by the way im still fat. I went from a BMI of 24.5 to My current BMI of 19.


Currently (and since discharge) Im not going great. I still want to be dead, but am obsessed with dying because of malnutrition, for many reasons. Instead of killing myself when I cant handle life I just try to sleep and convince myself death will come soon anyway.

WHat do i do? Nothings working for me, nothings changing and it seems nothing ever will. I cant tell anyone I know about this and refuse to thats why im asking you.

[Brokenpieces]

Thanks for your replies guys, I really appreciate them. I think ill work on building up enough courage to talk to the psychiatrist. If more meds is enough to stop all of this then it's definitely worth trying.
Thanks again

[LeftCoastChick]

ps. sometimes it takes a few go's at getting counseling before it works, I can relate to your frustration. I found the only thing it did for me was how to learn to cope with situations better, in no way was it a cure but sure helps me a situation where I might think bad thoughts or act badly.   At lot of what's going on with you is biochemical, which means a chemical imbalance. Our brains can be a bit different. I'm bipolar, and you could see the diff. on the cat scan from a "normal" (whatever that means) brain.  Folks with chronic depression are proven to have serious biochemical changes in their brains.  So meds are really helpful to re-balance out all those complicated chemicals.

[LeftCoastChick]

Personally it sounds like you are very under medicated for your disorders. I urgently suggest you see your psychiatrist asap and get some more aggressive threrapy. If you don't tell the doctors exactly what's going on, they can't help you if you don't let them in on your bulemia.  With the right meds, you can feel better. I'm bulemic in remission.  We can't replace your therapy here, but we can definitely guide you to the right place.
You are only 18 and your whole life ahead of you, but it's hard to see the forest through the trees when you are hurting so badly.  Obsessive/compulsive and depression disorders can be managed well. It sounds like you are battling both.  If at any time you are suicidal again, please go to your local ER or call a hotline. Suicide is no solution to dealing with life's issues, life's not easy but it's rewarding, even though it may not seem like it right now. Go see your pdoc as soon as possible and re-evaluate your meds, they aren't enough I'm sure. I could go into all the gory details of what bulemia can do to you, which I now have. Here's an awesome website that might be helpful with both your depression and your bulemia, at least to explain what's going on, and how you can help yourself.

http://www.helpguide.org/topic_index.htm

[ILADVOCATE]

Well no one can give specific medical advice but there are many other options as regards medications. Google "Depression Central". Its just only a psychiatrist could figure out which medications would work for you. But you could discuss other options with them though. As regards anorexia/bulemia though as its related to ocd often cognitive behavioral therapy works in addition to medication and talk therapy. If no one is following up you need a social worker and a case manager to coordinate these issues.