feeling guilt about depressed parent.........

[remy70]

My mom is elderly and depressed. I've gotten some wonderful advice here and have another question. Any advice would be appreciated.

She is very isolated and refuses to get help. I have on several occassions made lists of activites that she might enjoy.
I have also offered to go with her. She has refused every suggestion and always has a reason why it wouldnt work.

I spend alot of time feeling guilty, not wanting her to spend her last years being alone and unhappy. I know in my head that I can only suggest things, she has to decide to change. But in my heart I keep thinking I should be doing something more.

I know that I am responsible for my own happiness yet I keep feeling guilty because she is unhappy. I think this is a carry-over from being the child of a very depressed mother. Has anyone else experienced this? Can you tell me how to do my best and stop worrying? Thank you.

[remy70]

"you are continuing to facilitate her behaviours, you wouldn't stand for it with anyone else, why would she be that different."

Excellent point!  Thanks for your input. I copied it so I can remind myself that I can't change the situation without some help from her.

[LeftCoastChick]

I can imagine how frustrating it must be, but remember by giving in to her, you are continuing to facilitate her behaviours, you wouldn't stand for it with anyone else, why would she be that different. I'm glad to know she isn't "shut-in" with illness, maybe that will give her a shove to get out. Loneliness can make people do that strangest things, including anger. But as my dad says, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make 'em drink". You sound like a great daughter, don't wear out your own life, you can still love her even with putting your foot down.

[remy70]

Thanks everyone, I may try to gently suggest seeing her doc for meds. A few years ago I called her doc and she found out and was furious. She does believe there is something wrong with everyone but her which really makes things difficult. She has always been depressed and isolated to some extent. I just want to see her recognize that she needs help so she can have some happiness but I am starting to recognize that isn''t going to happen at this late date.

She is able to care for herself  and is able to drive anywhere, she just won't. I'm just running out of energy from trying to get her out and involved. I don't plan to abandon her but I feel like maybe I need to quit trying and see if she will start seeking out companionship, she just gets mad if I suggest anything.,

[ILADVOCATE]

I may posted this before but a general suggestion is to apply for a home attendant for her that could take care of the various needs that she has without you having to be involved.

[Kobuk]

Hi, I had to put my parents in a long term facility.  Talk about guilt.  My Dad had a bad stroke and had to be in a wheelchair.  He would not talk for months, I would visit and take him his Dr. Pepper and a maplebar.  He would smile then.  He always would sulk and not talk to anyone for months before the stroke.  He passed 2 years ago.  My Mom got so she was falling down and I could not lift her up.  She is 85 now.  She fights with the staff and has dementia.  I could not take care of her and I am guardian of a mentally challenged sister.  I had to take care of myself first.  My pdoc and therapist convinced me that to put her in long term care would be best for all concerned.  Hope this helps.  The facility takes them out and about, have activites, etc.  Also I visit every few days.

[Pistachio]

If she is depressed, of course she doesn't want to do anything.  People who are depressed don't find enjoyment in anything, and she possibly feels like she is a burden and is also ashamed of the way she feels.  Can you make an appointment for her and take her to see a doctor...either her regular doctor or a psychiatrist?  Be sure and tell them that she is depressed when you call, as she might be embarrassed to talk about it.  She needs more help than you can give her and might "argue" a bit about a doctor while deep down feeling thankful that you care, so try to push it but do so with love.