need someone to talk to

[HannahTink]

I really need someone to talk to, someone that will just listen and be able to understand me. I feel like I have no one who I can open up to, not even my family or boyfriend, although they do the best to get things out of me there is still so much bottled up and contained inside me just waiting to burst out. I wish I had a friend I could explain all this to but I doubt they would want to hear it all.

This recent month has been a nightmare, i keep waiting for something else bad to happen. My nanny died at the beginning of the month, I miss her and feel bad for not going to see her more often when she was alive. I never got to say goodbye and I haven't been to visit the grave yet (though I keep asking to be taken) My auntie died a few days ago, she was in hospital for a few days and I went to visit her as much as I could when my mum went, she wasn't just an auntie though, more like a grandma to me, I can still her voice echoing the things she always use to ask me when i went to visit her, she always use to comment on how nice my hair was. I was so fond of her. It's hard because when she was in the hospital she kept giving me a hug or trying to by lifting her arm up, i can still see the image in my head. I miss her so god damn much and I can see how upset my mum is. I'm sitting here crying (Something I seem to do everyday at the moment) though it has just been a pretty awful day. Whats really set me off crying now though is well on facebook my mum posted up a picture of my auntie and i just burst in to tears. Although she was old and had a good life I just really want to see her again, to give her a hug and tell her how much i love her. ( I think my family and boyfriend think i've been dealing with everything just fine or near abouts) but to be honest i'm not, wow it feels good to get everything out, i find it hard to talk about my feelings openly to someone in person, i'd rather just sit there and cry in front of them than talk to them about how i feel. I just feel completely and utterly upset and down about the deaths of both loved ones.

Also to make things even harder my ocd seems to of come back... intrusive thoughts. Mainly thoughts about me killing myself and seeing my own dead body (I think I sound like a freak) this sort of stuff makes me hit rock bottom, i'm 18 and this is the last thing i want to be imagining. My boyfriend said to me tonight 'i'll end up falling asleep in the car taking you home, i'm so tired' and i just thought to myself 'good, at least i'll be dead then and you wont have to be a burden' I don't want to think things like that. I just want to feel happy, i'm at the point where i'd get down on my knees and beg for happiness. I really hope these thoughts are a just one off and that things will get better. The last two days i've been fine but today i've hit rock bottom again (it keeps happening recently)

I got called in to my tutors office at college tuesday, I thought i'd just done something wrong, but no. They asked me if i was feeling ok and if i needed to tell them anything, I wanted to tell them everything but i just got so anxious and hot and sweaty sitting there being put on the spot, that i became aggitated and came out with something stupid to try and avoid the question 'i'm hot, can i go?' (what a weirdo) they could see i was upset and just wanted to escape so let me go. I'm going to have to tell them though, I can't keep going in to college depressed and emotional. My behaviour is obviously noticeable...great I just wanted to fade in to the background and to be ignored.

I also have a big issue with 'cancer' related things. My mum has had breast cancer, and is fine now but ever since the day she told me (well i guessed something was up) i have worried since, i'm always scared it will come back, i worry a lot about my own health, if i get a pain anywhere i'll usually straight away worry that it's cancer. I read something on facebook today, someone had posted a stupid upsetting story on the main page and i think i burst in t tears... it was about a girl who'd been diagnosed with cancer and left it to the last minute to tell her boyfriend, i always worry that i'll end up getting it and having to say goodbye to the people i love. Even the word 'cancer' just hearing it makes me want to curl up in to a tight ball. This has also become a worry in the last few days as mum has had a mammograme and she could get her results any day now, she seems really worried about them, which makes me anxious.

I feel like my life has worsened in the last month, i just keep expecting bad stuff to happen. Our car got smashed up the other night as well, they didn't catch the person that did it, but i usually wake up during the night because i'll hear strange noises. I worry that something worse will happen next.

I have no hope anymore, i'm scared, upset most of the time, and unhappy, my relationships with everyone are on an all time low and i feel uptight and anxious all the time. how can i get through this? please help

Hans x

[MarksMissesx]

I know how you are feeling I.don't express my feelings to.anyone either and bottle it all up and pretend that I am happy. But let me just say talk to someone anyone it will help I know. I spoke to my doctor in the end and I felt so relieved that I got everything off my chest. If you ever need to talk.to.someone who wont judge and just listen and offer support im.here if you want me. Hope this helps you hun xx

[dlr2007]

QuietGirl's advice was great- I don't have much to add, but I did want to say that I'm sorry to hear of everything that you've gone through. You really have had quite a lot of loss and trauma in your life, especially for someone so young. I think it's normal that you would be upset and frightened- it would be more concerning to me if you weren't! But even though it's understandable, feeling like that is awful, and really ruins your quality of life. I agree that you should find a counselour to help you get through this difficult time. It won't make everything instantly better, of course, but holding all this in will just make it so much worse. I refused to deal with the loss of my kid's father and it really messed me up for years to come. There's no escaping grief, it always comes back to bite you in the @ss. Working through it now will be rough, but you sound strong and very in touch with your feelings- you will be OK. Just make sure to get the support you need- hopefully your bf is a good listener and caring- although guys can be kind of sense about emotional things :p . And friends can be great- it's OK to go out and laugh and have fun if you're able to! I know your mom is probably nervous about her mammogram results and of course suffering the pain from losing family too, so she might not be someone you can lean on much right now. It might be more of a mutual "being there" for each other but turning to others to vent and really break down. You will know what feel right. But please, just get all the help you can and hang in there. Life is so cruel sometimes, but there will be wonderful times ahead for you too. Please post here also, so we will know how you're doing. Hugs and prayers- Dee

[thatquietgirl]

I'm so sorry for your losses!  I think what you're feeling is normal for such circumstances.  Different people deal with losses in different ways.  I myself stuff things, too, rather than tell them to people, though it's because I'm used to having to be everyone's anchor.

Just know this: things will get better, and it's better for you to deal with them than to hold them in.  Your family, friends, and boyfriend would willingly listen if they care for you at all.  All you need to do is talk.  You can start out slowly, little comments here or there, gauge how they react.  Go to whichever person you believe will freak out less.  Tell them your family members' deaths have affected you and that you just really need someone who will listen to and hold you or whatever else you need them to do.  Tell them it's also caused some thoughts that are scaring you and that you really don't want them to freak out about it but you also want someone to be able to keep a (hopefully non intrusive) eye out for you, that you don't think you'll act on them.

The impulse you get when you start feeling depression coming on is to withdraw, and that is the absolute worst thing to do.  It then makes those feelings of "nobody cares anyway" come on far more often and more strongly.  Get yourself out there.  Make plans to do something fun even though (and especially when) you don't feel like it.  Write down your feelings in a journal just to get them out there.  Get as much sun as possible (though I realize it's probably difficult to impossible in this time of the year).  Exercise.  These things really do help even though they go against everything your mind is experiencing at the moment.

Do you have a counselor or therapist you could talk to?  You say you have OCD, so I'm assuming you must have at one point?

There are things you can do here in America regarding college in times of crisis, and it might be worth it for you to look into seeing if you have it in the UK, too.  A simple search on your college's website would probably reveal to you if your college offers such options, but I know for us, we can go in and talk to the teacher and ask for an incomplete, especially if we feel it's affecting our academic performance.  Some require us to volunteer more reasons than a vague one; others will accept a simple explanation of "tragedy in the family."  With an incomplete, you're usually given until the end of the next full semester to finish all assignments you have not done.  There is also a leave of absence possibility that we can put into by visiting the academic counseling center.  I don't know if you have anything similar to either one of those, but you might look into it if you feel this is at all affecting how you're performing in class.

Best of luck to you and feel free to shoot me a message if you need to vent some more.

[HannahTink]

i meant i wont have to be a burden not him.