I really need someone to talk to, someone that will just listen and be able to understand me. I feel like I have no one who I can open up to, not even my family or boyfriend, although they do the best to get things out of me there is still so much bottled up and contained inside me just waiting to burst out. I wish I had a friend I could explain all this to but I doubt they would want to hear it all.
This recent month has been a nightmare, i keep waiting for something else bad to happen. My nanny died at the beginning of the month, I miss her and feel bad for not going to see her more often when she was alive. I never got to say goodbye and I haven't been to visit the grave yet (though I keep asking to be taken) My auntie died a few days ago, she was in hospital for a few days and I went to visit her as much as I could when my mum went, she wasn't just an auntie though, more like a grandma to me, I can still her voice echoing the things she always use to ask me when i went to visit her, she always use to comment on how nice my hair was. I was so fond of her. It's hard because when she was in the hospital she kept giving me a hug or trying to by lifting her arm up, i can still see the image in my head. I miss her so god damn much and I can see how upset my mum is. I'm sitting here crying (Something I seem to do everyday at the moment) though it has just been a pretty awful day. Whats really set me off crying now though is well on facebook my mum posted up a picture of my auntie and i just burst in to tears. Although she was old and had a good life I just really want to see her again, to give her a hug and tell her how much i love her. ( I think my family and boyfriend think i've been dealing with everything just fine or near abouts) but to be honest i'm not, wow it feels good to get everything out, i find it hard to talk about my feelings openly to someone in person, i'd rather just sit there and cry in front of them than talk to them about how i feel. I just feel completely and utterly upset and down about the deaths of both loved ones.
Also to make things even harder my ocd seems to of come back... intrusive thoughts. Mainly thoughts about me killing myself and seeing my own dead body (I think I sound like a freak) this sort of stuff makes me hit rock bottom, i'm 18 and this is the last thing i want to be imagining. My boyfriend said to me tonight 'i'll end up falling asleep in the car taking you home, i'm so tired' and i just thought to myself 'good, at least i'll be dead then and you wont have to be a burden' I don't want to think things like that. I just want to feel happy, i'm at the point where i'd get down on my knees and beg for happiness. I really hope these thoughts are a just one off and that things will get better. The last two days i've been fine but today i've hit rock bottom again (it keeps happening recently)
I got called in to my tutors office at college tuesday, I thought i'd just done something wrong, but no. They asked me if i was feeling ok and if i needed to tell them anything, I wanted to tell them everything but i just got so anxious and hot and sweaty sitting there being put on the spot, that i became aggitated and came out with something stupid to try and avoid the question 'i'm hot, can i go?' (what a weirdo) they could see i was upset and just wanted to escape so let me go. I'm going to have to tell them though, I can't keep going in to college depressed and emotional. My behaviour is obviously noticeable...great I just wanted to fade in to the background and to be ignored.
I also have a big issue with 'cancer' related things. My mum has had breast cancer, and is fine now but ever since the day she told me (well i guessed something was up) i have worried since, i'm always scared it will come back, i worry a lot about my own health, if i get a pain anywhere i'll usually straight away worry that it's cancer. I read something on facebook today, someone had posted a stupid upsetting story on the main page and i think i burst in t tears... it was about a girl who'd been diagnosed with cancer and left it to the last minute to tell her boyfriend, i always worry that i'll end up getting it and having to say goodbye to the people i love. Even the word 'cancer' just hearing it makes me want to curl up in to a tight ball. This has also become a worry in the last few days as mum has had a mammograme and she could get her results any day now, she seems really worried about them, which makes me anxious.
I feel like my life has worsened in the last month, i just keep expecting bad stuff to happen. Our car got smashed up the other night as well, they didn't catch the person that did it, but i usually wake up during the night because i'll hear strange noises. I worry that something worse will happen next.
I have no hope anymore, i'm scared, upset most of the time, and unhappy, my relationships with everyone are on an all time low and i feel uptight and anxious all the time. how can i get through this? please help
Hans x