hocd. please help!!

[usyriuss]

So since about February I've been struggling with the idea of possibly being gay/bisexual. I had a thought from my past. That I haven't remembered in years. At first it didn't phase me. But then I thought about it more and more. And more odd memories came back to me. Ranging from about the age of 8 to 14. But never were any of them. From want. But just plain curiosity. Everyone does things like that as a child and you develop. I've never ever wanted to be with a man nor have I evert thought about it. But around February one of these memories triggered me going crazy and doing whatever I could to figure it out. Having more unwanted intrsusive thoughts. It drove me nuts thinking I'm gay or bi. I did some research and found out that I might have hocd of course be of my impatience and want to find answers I commuted with all the rituals of have an intrusive thought looking to see if I find guys handsome if gay porn gets me aroused etc. I have the common knowledge of whether a guy has good looks and whatnot. Every man does. Socially its just not accepted so their afraid to admit it. I did watch a gay porn video once and it got me a little aroused but afterwards it grossed me out. At points I'm fine and I don't even think about it but sometimes its drives me up a wall. Around march I experimented with a close friend and it made me really uncomfortable. I couldnt get aroused. I'll admit his lips were soft. But the fact that it was a guy just wasn't appealing to me. Its only gotten worse and worse and more ibtrsuge thoughts just pop into my head and convince my mind and my body that its possible im bi. But I've never ever ever felt that way before and it was always so unappealing to me and my heart also disagress with my mind and body. I know the mind is a powerful so Idk if I'm just ******* with myself and are slowly convincing myself of something that's not true or if I'm truly bi. I feel like experimentation will help but at the sake time I don't want to do it. I don't have the motivation and the first time made me so uncomfortable. I tried downloading this stupid grindr app and trying to get myself to do it. But it scared me so much. My stomach dropped. I couldn't breath and I almost fainted. This has practically ruined the last 6 months of my life. My grades dropped. My relationship with the girl I want to marry went downhill and it put me into a state of suicide at times. I just want to be happy and confident with myself again and get ky life started. I apologize for such a long passage but short and simple doesn't work for me. There's more. But heres the jist of it. Thank you for any support I do get or advice if I get any.Also I've never had feelings for a guy and I don't get that butterfly feeling in my stomach and etc or have the emotional draw and attraction that I was reading about and saw videos on. Idk if this is also just a hormonal stage or a phase. It's just affected my life as a whole. and I need help. I tried therapy. But I didn't go often enough so it didn't help. and sometimes i use the word cute instead of handsome, hot rarely. but idk if that changes anything. thank you.And sometimes I have like this weird urge to give oral. But it goes away. And then comes back. And I tell myself but I want it. But in the end I really don't and whenever think of anything like that. Once I masturbate all the urges are gone. it disgusts me. So Idk if I'm just hormonal or if its just natural and it happens to everyone at some point. But I can picture myself in a relationship with a man and I don't want to be. I want to marry a woman.please help.

[Anneinside]

Perhaps, but if you don't know, then I can't know either. Please consider therapy to help you find out more about yourself.

[usyriuss]

What do you think? Am I bi?

[Anneinside]

In your situation I would be confused too. I have a relative, 15, who just announced she is gay. Not everyone in the family would deal with it we'll so they aren't being told. As for your situation, you really need counseling to help you understand your sexual orientation, and to deal with the day to day adjustment as you learn.