what should I do

[idontcare]

I am 19 years old and have had depression and other psychological issues since I was in middle school. When I was 15 I was put into a partial hospitalization program after a friend told my parents that I was cutting and burning, and having hallucinations of two people consistantly, to the point where I would freeze up and not be able to talk or move. In the hospital, I was never told what exactly my diagnosis was, although manic depression and bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, severe clinical depression, etc. were all terms thrown about. I had an MRI and blood work done, but I never found out the results for myself. I took zyprexa at first and then they switched me to prozac, which I gradually stopped taking at all once I got to college. I have attempted suicide 3 times and have suicidal thoughts about every other day, my depression was originally triggered by my grandfather's suicide when I was turning 14 and the suicides of two other friends, one when I had just turned 16 and the other just over a week ago, along with many other people in my life dying. I frequently become paranoid of murderers and my boyfriend leaving me. My boyfriend is the reason for my question. I love him more than life and without him I can't function, he loves me too, but tells me that he doesn't "need" me etc. and also that he's not able to handle the "roller coaster" of our relationship, because I frequently doubt him and accuse him of lying, particularly about whether or not he loves me. He says that I have the lowest self-esteem he has ever witnessed and does not know how to help me. He says that he doesn't think he's strong enough to handle this "roller coaster", taking care of both himself and me.
I told him the last time we had a major "breaking up" argument that I would try to get better if he helped me. However, I don't have any medication, I refuse to see a psychologist or psychiatrist, and cannot tell my doctor, parents, or friends the truth about my emotional wellbeing. What can I do to get better with the help of my boyfriend? He is extremely supportive, he just doesn't know what to do with me.

[mammo]

Your job is not to make your doctor's job easier.  Find one who will LISTEN, this is what he is being paid to do.  I won't waste my time on ones that just want to rush me in and out.  If you feel what you have to say is important, and relevant, say it.  If he interrupts, stop him and tell him you weren't finished.  Get pro-active like van_bc_604 says, but this also means getting the answers you need from you doctor.

[van_bc_604]

It's good that you have a doctor and a boyfriend whose willing to support you.

I know you said you can't talk to your doctor,
Is your doctor one of those who is "not a good listener"... dismissive..., clinical,... etc...????

Doctor's are funny dudes because the only way they'll listen to you is if you "act" like you're not that sick.
All they care about going though their "flow chart" without any fuss or hysterics.
Just tell him what you're going through in a clear way---- it makes his job easy, and he'll listen.
(if you just don't like your doctor,   find a new doctor and try this)

Psychiatrist are the same. All they want is just the facts so they can go thru their dsm books.

You can "emot" a little,however. .......but not so much you make the turkey's job harder on him.  All he wants is just the facts and to go through his book to find something to help you.
All he wants to do is to help you: it makes him feel like he's doing his job properly, which in turn, makes him feel good.

After he's gone through your symptoms, he'll try to find you the right meds.

It might take several tries. You have to be PATIENT. It's all trail and error, and BINGO!!!!
You find something that works.

Just having the right meds, isn't enough in my opinion.(this is true for everyone  just starting to recover from an illness)

The meds just make you feel better and more sane.

Now you have to work on yourself etc. You might have to find a psychologist if your psychiatrist doesn't help you in this area..

In addition to talking to a professional, you have to not be passive about it, and do your own research, reading, journaling,etc.........

[mammo]

You need to be on medication, plus seeing a therapist/psychiatrist, they are professionals who can help you.  I was raped as a little girl by a stranger, my father and brother.  Got married at 17 to an abusive man, and had 3 kids, and then divorced.  I lost my parents in a car accident, my brother was hit by a car and died, my children's father died @ 32, his brother died @ 38, my son had to have his colon removed at the age of 12, my eldest son the same at 16, then passed away at 31, my grandson had to have his colon removed at 10, and died on Dec.1, 2008.  One year after losing my son, my daughter was hit head on by a 16 year old girl at 85 MPH.  The young girl was dead at the scene, I almost lost my daughter, and was gone from my home for 5 months to nurse her back to health.  All this within 5 years.  So, I do understand depression.  But you have got to get pro-active with your health and do what is needed to get yourself well!!  If it means taking a pill the rest of your life....so what?  It's your quality of life that matters, and happiness.  It sounds like to have a very nice boyfriend who you are chasing off by your insecurities.  Please get into therapy and back on medicine, so that you can put your life back together.  We don't know why bad things happen, just that they do, and you cannot move forward until you let go of the past.  Another person cannot make you happy, you have to make yourself happy.  Your boyfriend "not needing" you isn't a bad thing, it just shows he is happy with who he is, and wants you to be the same.  To expect your boyfriend to help you is asking a lot, when you aren't doing anything to help yourself!  I don't understand why you feel you can't share your mental state with your doctor, family, or friends.  Please do not allow "pride" stop you from getting help!  Apologize to your boyfriend, and tell him that you are going to get YOURSELF better, and to please be patient with you.  Then stop accusing him of things which you have no control over anyway, and give the guy the trust he has earned!  Just please get help, you cannot do this alone, nor would anyone expect you to.  Medication will help a lot, and therapy will help you deal with everything else.  Think of what suicide would do to your family and friends, I'm sure they have also seen enough tragedy, and would have to live with guilt for the rest of their lives for not seeing that you needed help. So, tell them, you'll be surprised at the support you get.  They deserve the opportunity to help you, and you could use their support.  There's a bigger plan for you, so start living life, and make it a good one!  You're not alone in your despair, but you have got to take the steps necessary to get yourself better.  I wish you luck, as I've been there and know that you don't have to stay where you are, it is your choice!

[Hensley258]

Lets set aside the boyfriend issue for a second and focus on the most important issue.
My dear, you have (like me) a VERY serious mental illness and it's not even being treated. From your post I gather that your not even taking medication for this illness.

You can never hope to improve your relationships if your walking around sick all the time.
Forget about a regular doctor. You need to see a good Psychiatrist that can properly diagnose you and treat your illness.

On top of all that has happened since you became ill, you have a family history of depression and suicide. I think it's safe to say that you need professional help and medication so that you can better balance your life.