Sorry to hear about this situation. I can understand how it's tough not having that element fully in your relationship with your husband. However, this is not his fault. ED is often physical. It can be hormonal, also blockages of arteries, scar tissue, etc. If he could get in front of a good urologist (and it may take going through several) who is willing to do thorough tests, that'd be great. Perhaps drugs could help. Masturbation does not require an erection that is hard enough for penetration so it unfortunately may be used as an escape, to deal with this pain or something perhaps. It can be a hard thing to talk about. If you don't want to hurt your husband, then do not meet up with this man you've been sexting (and how about stop sexting this guy while you're at it).
I have ED, I can orgasm from masturbation but not maintain a solid erection for long enough to get my wife off. I'm open about it and my wife is understanding. We employ different techniques to satisfy her; toys, fingers and oral. I preform a lot of oral.
Understanding the lack of penetration can be frustrating for her. I asked her if she would be interested in us finding a sexual partner that can perform properly for her. I brought this up as I knew she would not for fear of hurting my feelings. At first her she said "no" as she was quite surprised I suggested it. However, a little over a week later she brought it up and was willing to entertain it. In fact, she hinted at a coworker as a potential candidate. I had met this guy once before, he seemed nice and respectful so I agreed. I trust her judgement either way.
Needless to say she's been having a sexual relationship with him for a little over a year. We have rules, she always tells me when it is going to happen, as well as where. She must also tell me any details I ask about the encounter. Yes, I find it turns me on to hear her tell me how much she enjoys it. She must come home afterward. No sleeping over. Basically avoiding anything that would turn it into anything more than a sexual relationship. Either of us can call it off at any time.
For us at least, it has made our sex life much better. She seems more relaxed and actually orgasms more frequently than before. I no longer feel immense pressure to perform for her. We took my ED, discussed it and turned it into something we consider positive. I think it's brought us closer together and made our relationship stronger.
While I know our situation won't work for everyone, I think any relationship can get past ED it you can discuss openly and work to discover what works for you.
I have the same problem but I am trying to do something. I am taking pills, insulin and testosterone shots and trying to lose weight. For me, Viagra and similar pills do not work. Neither does the vacuum pump. I told my wife if she wants to go outside for sex she can but so far she has said no. Part of the problem is the only way she can have an orgasm is if she does it herself. She says she has never had a man give her an orgasm and the only way she can do it is herself. Sometimes she will let me use a dildo on her while she uses her hand or a vibrator but mostly she just does it herself. I am not really needed. I masturbate since I do not have to be hard to do that so we make do....
Not sure having sex with someone you work with is a good thing. That is to way close because you see them every day and bad things could develop at work. A better option would be to do it with someone you only see for sex and when you do it, do it at your house, in your bed, and if your husband wants to watch let him. By doing it at your house all the time, it is "safe" in that you are not going out and leaving your home and you know that it is a safe environment. When you have little to no contact with the male before or after sex, you won't be tempted to carry things further with him.