I just need to bounce this off someone as I feel like I'm loosing my mind

[crazyorwhat1998]

You WILL think I am crazy.  I swore I'd never go on one of these blogs, yet here I am.  This is why.  13 years ago my DH and I realized we needed help to concieve.  Long and short, it was male factor, I was 29, so I wasn't worried at all - especially being in the medical field I had faith.  Started right off with ICSI & AH.  I had 10 eggs but none of them fertilized well at all.  (Hmmmmm, I thought - weird.) Transferred 4 poor looking embs.  Negative.  Round two, fewer eggs but better looking embs.  Put in 4 - nothing. Third time, same.  Fourth time 5 embs, decent looking - (rated 2, each) and 4 of the five implanted.  These days implanting that many is really frowned upon, but in 1999 things were an experiment.
So, at 11 weeks, of the four, we lost one, which, honestly, because of my medical background gave me a bit of a sense of relief.  Don't read that wrong - I just know that trips have a better chance of survival and fewer chances of abnormalities.  I carried to 30.5 weeks and we have beautiful, healthy wonderfully big kids.  They are ggg's and at 12 one is 5'8 tall, the other two not far behind!
Here's the kicker... when the trips were 7 months old and I was still breast-feeding i was having bouts of nausea.  I worked in the hospital 1 half day a week to just have some adult time and keep my skills up as much as possible.  I ran into the RE one day and was mentioning some of the symptoms I was having and he immediately gave me a urine pregnancy test.  I actually laughed right then and there.  He sternly looked and me and said "go pee."  I couldn't speak - I walked out, straight faced and handed him the stick that read I was pregnant.  Once I got myself together I told him we deserved a refund because we weren't as bad off as they had said to which he quickly said "No, you were on the buy three get one free program!".  It was funny, but jeeze...
Fastforward... I hesitate greatly in writing this because I know first hand what it feels like to be frightened so badly that you'll never be able to create a baby with your spouse.  I, in no way want to sound greedy or ungrateful.  Being a mother to my four children (the fourth was a boy 17 months younger than the girls - I don't have the heart to tell him he's not a quad!  lol, but from just about four months after his birth I have had such an overwhelming desire to have another child.  I don't think I even need to express or explain this to anyone who is on this... it's a feeling that is there and until - for some reason - it goes away - it's there in spades.  
Ok, I'll try to wrap it up so I can get some feedback.  For Five years, since we had our son without assistance, we decided to take our chances and see if we could hit the royal flush again.  Nope.  So, recently we made our appointment to go to the same clinic (one of the best in No. California) and do the same exact thing - IVF, ICSI, hatching.  I've never been a multiple egg producer when stimulated, so it was no surprise when there were only 3.  However, they were all grade 1, so that was a pleasant surprise!  They fertilized beautifully and I almost felt young again - from an ovary standpoint! :)  We put two in on the fourth of July.  d6p3dt (is that acronym right?) I had very minimal red blood one time after using the bathroom.  It was right at the point when implantation bleed would occur, so I wasn't that worried as that happened last time the same way. Now I'm on day 8 post 3 day transfer and of course, am cheating with hpts and they are all negative.  It's starting to freak me out because last time when I took the hpts they were positive.  I realize the with three babies and three placentas there is going to be a higher Hcg rate, so I'm probably being ridiculous, but I read the Clear Blue hpt has a higher sensitivity rate and I'm getting "not pregnant" on those too. My first blood draw is Saturday and second is Monday.  It just seems like it's getting so close that I'd start to register if I was pregnant.  

I feel kind of silly now after writing all of this... They didn't have these sites when I did this over a decade ago..

Just so that I say it... if it is not meant to be that our family have another baby, I feel so incredibly grateful for the special and precious husband and children that I do have.  I'm so fortunate, I just have no greater joy than to be a mother and all of the amazing blessings that they bring to my life and the life of each other - our entire family for that matter.  I know it must sound nuts to want to have a 5th child, but I truly ache for it.  Any suggestions on how I can get through this? Please feel free to be frank.  Tell me to just chill out and that I'm being ridiculous if that's what it seems.

[Dreaming_In_Pink]

Def. not crazy or selfish or anything negative you may think! I have been blessed with 4 boys of my own. I was a traditional surrogate, it was all easy as pie! Oh, how I took fertility for granted! Now that I so desperately want a daughter I can't and have been ridiculed for not appreciating what I do have and for requesting a specific gender.
I hope you get your baby or babies :) and don't let the negative people or thoughts influence you.
Sending lots of hugs and positive vibes

[shmeegan]

thank u hun i no ur so lucky to have ur kids i hope i get the chance to be a mum yeh im 22 years old i no its young but we have been trying since i was 20 my bf already has a kid which i find very hard with all the things that are going on at the mo, i have thought about doing dance to keep my  mind off things, glad tht ur music helps you. it has helped what u have said. hopeing tht we will both have our bfp soon x

[KDBaby]

Hey there, I'm having the same emotions as you are. I e got a set of beautiful twins, but I don't feel like I'm finished. I am soooooo desperate to have more kids that we are back to IVF, and this is my 5th try. It took 8 try's before I got the twins and that was tough, now this time, because of the gap I feel each time it's negative, or I loose the embryo it's hurts do much that I don't know how I'm going to get through. So it seems I should be happy with the twins I already have, and according to every person you meet in the street, family and friends, think that just because we have a boy and a girl we are finished making a family! Well I'm not! Just like you are not and I am happy to offer you any support I can. All the best.

[crazyorwhat1998]

I know that feeling so well! - not knowing if you'll get to have that experience. I'm in the medical field, so I'm pretty familiar with pcos. I'm sorry that you are going through that, coupled with the emotional feelings that you must be, but unless your situation is severe to the point your Dr. says its not a possibility to use your own oocytes, don't give up.  I've seen amazing things happen that shock the most educated physicians. Not that you asked, ;) but also don't make it your every waking thought. (I know, I'm one to talk! Easier said than done.) I just bought a guitar and, although I play several instruments, guitar is not one of them, and I've found myself spending wonderful, long periods of time learning this gorgeous instrument. It was worth every penny. I don't know if music is something that you could get into, but I'm really suprised how the time flies and I'm enjoying it to boot! Sewing/quilting is another time consuming yet rewarding activity. I guess we all have to have our own "thing" but hopefully there will be that something for you that helps. Then, when it happens, you'll feel that it wasn't as grueling as it may have been. I sure hope I'm helping and not saying the wrong things. I wish you that baby that belongs to you and remember vividly waiting for mine. It sounds like your young, I'm 41 and really nervous that will be the kicker for me. Best of luck and health to you. KEEP YOUR HOPE, BUT KEEP IT IN CHECK!!

Warmly,
Katy

[crazyorwhat1998]

It's funny you mentioned acupuncture because I did do that last time (when it worked) but I also kissed the falice symbol if fertility on a trip to Egypt, so I always joked that I wasn't sure which one did the trick but which ever is was it was on overdrive!!!
Thank you for your kind words!
Katy

[shmeegan]

very pleased for you both i think you need to relax i no harder to say than do but your lucky you have 4 healthy children enjoy your time with your family and when its out of your mind more than likely you will get ur bfp. me and my bf been trying for 18months now i have pcos and im on second round of clomid i would love more thn anything to be a mum as he has already got a child from a previous relationship. ive wanted kids since i was 18 but only started trying since i was 20 just hope that i get my chance to be a mum and i to have always wanted 4 kids but i would be happy just to be a mum just hope it happens for me good luck to you both

[Jen1st_time_ivf]

Ok so I am in the same boat to an extent as you, except we conceived naturally twice. Girls 8/6. So after trying for 3 years to add to our family we were unsuccessful. I to felt greedy and unappreciative of the two beautiful girls I have. But I ached for more kids in our family. So we took all of our savings and took a chance on ivf, of course after a lot of talking and praying about it. The hole was still there that we wanted additional children, always a dream to have a family of 4. Well our first ivf was successful and I am 15 weeks with twins. We are so happy that we decided to go with the ivf and it was successful.
I would think that it's a little early to get a correct result from hpt, no matter which one it is. I know it's hard but be positive and pray for great results. Positive thoughts being positive results!!