Losing it!!

[magda_s]

So, I have to ask... is anyone else out there losing their mind, or is it just me?  And I was doing SO well until now!  But somehow, today, I just lost the plot.  Not in a terribly extroverted, insane way... I just feel like I don't think I can handle this... I just don't think I can handle a second BFN.  I know others have done it and I know many are well beyond two tries but I just don't think I can cope with it.  More than that, I don't think I can cope with having to do it all a THIRD time only for another very possible BFN.  And here I thought it was going to be easy... here I was all cocky because we're dealing with male factor as DH had a vasectomy 23 years ago and the reversal was a no go but aside from that, we're both "fine" so everyone said we had an EXCELLENT chance.  They even thre out numbers like 70 - 80 % only it didn't actually go that way and now I think I'm about to find out that it didn't actually go that way a SECOND time and we transferred SIX type-1 embryos.  
I know, I know... I shouldn't be so negative and, who knows, I may be surprised by the test result on Tuesday but I just can't seem to get out of this negative vortex I seem to have slipped into.  
I was so proud of myself for coping so much better than last time but somehow my mind decided that 12 days of waiting patiently was relly quite enough thank-you-very-much!
How on EARTH will I get through the next two days?????
Does anyone else out there ever wonder what they did to deserve this?  'Cause I figure it's gotta have been pretty bad but I sure as hell can't figure out what it could have been.

[magda_s]

Thank you Heather.  I really appreciate the support.  I tend to be quite hard on myself for needing it but sometimes you really do have to accept that "no man is an island" and all that.
You and Helen are both right of course... This is something we naturally assume will happen... well... naturally.  When it doesn't, then frankly, no-one can judge what one does to deal with it.
Re the donor sperm option, I don't think that's necessary.  At least, we've been told that DH's is absolutely 100% fine.  Our only issue is the fact that his vasectomy reversal didn't work so we're dealing with nothing more than a physical barrier.  He had been all for trying a second time because apparently that is a logical option but it's far more expensive and far more invasive and apparently because the vasectomy was so many years ago, our chances are better with IVF than trying the reversal again so we went with IVF.
I think the fact that our problem is purely this physical barrier makes it all that much harder to accept because I thought that since it was just that, it would be so easy for us.
Now I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me that we never knew about.
Of course, all this is very premature because you're right, absolutely... it doesn't always work the first time and this is only our second try and I don't KNOW that it hasn't worked... I'm just so very scared that it hasn't!
Good luck to all...

[HeathJo]

I also wish for twins, and am willing to follow through with selective reduction if that is what I must do. You are not a bad person, just a woman who wants to have what every woman grows up thinking they will with no problems. Your determination will help you achieve your goal. You're a fighter, I can tell. And to hell with what anyone else thinks. Your body, your life, your choice. GO FOR IT!!!!

SSBD

Heather

P.S. Maybe your anger is hormonal, meaning possible BFP?????

P.S.S. Many woman have difficulty getting pg the first time around, and then have no problem second time around, and vice versa. Also, donor sperm is an option, although I don't know if your dh would be OK with that.

P.S.S.S.--Helen and I are buddies in the post that say "Alpha Gamma Prego." Join in anytime :-)

P.S.S.S.S.--Sorry for all the P.S.s!!!!

[magda_s]

Thanks Helen... the chat's actually done me a world of good.  You're right about others not having a right to judge us but sadly sometimes they do and I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes it does get to me.  
Thanks for the chat!  Sincerely.

[Helen72]

We do what we feel is right to have a family.  Infertility is a very painful and a very private problem.  Noone has a right to judge us!

I'll be looking for your update on tuesday.    

[magda_s]

I'm so sorry Helen... my turn to feel bad!  I didn't mean to suggest that you WERE being negative.  I guess I just do feel a bit strange about the possibility of having to face selective reduction.  I wonder if I'll be okay with it or if I'll always wonder what/who I chose to put an end to!  It's tough but like I said, much as I don't like it, I feel like I'll do almost anything to get what I want here.  Granted, if I end up with a BFP on Tuesday and it turns out to be only one, I'll be sad that my child will never know what it is to have a sibling... I'll be more than sad over that... but I will be overjoyed that I get to be blessed with even one.

[Helen72]

Oh, I did not mean to say you are being irresponsible!  I think that it's great you have a choice.  I am moving towards my first ivf myself and maximum that I would be allowed is 2 even though I think my chances would be higher with 3 or 4 embies transferred and we'll be paying out of pocket!  After so many BFN's I doubt my chances of multiples will be very high even with 3 or 4 embryos being transferred.  I totally understand how important BFP is and I was not at all blaming you for taking some risks.  I think that intuitively we sometimes know better than doctors what our chances are.  

I hope you get your wish on Tuesday!!!  

[magda_s]

Yes, I know that most 1st world countries would never dream of transferring 6 and I know that it's risky.  I'm not intentionally trying to be irressponsible... honest.  But much as the thought of selective reduction keeps me up nights, I would rather be faced with that in order to increase my chances of a) getting pregnant and b) having twins.  I don't want to risk their or my health and so if it were more than 2, I likely would go for the reduction.  The thing is, we're only doing this the one (successful) time and frankly, I'm running out of time!  My DH is a fair bit older than me and much as he wants us to have children, he's not comfortable with doing all this a second time when he's older yet.  So it's the one time.  Hence wanting twins.  I know there's nothing wrong at all with having one child but my sister and I are so close and she means the world to me and I would feel I had done my child a diservice not giving him/her a sibling.  
So there we have it.
Yes, I know I'm being defensive... but I really do feel badly about it all so it takes some justifying!  What can I say?  But at the end of the day, the outcome is too important.

[Helen72]

Magda,
I hope you get your BFP on Tuesday.  With six embryos transferred you have a very good chance.   In fact in the US or Europe noone would allow you to transfer that many.  If I were you I would be worried about multiples.  

I know how difficult the wait can get and your mind can't help but wonder, when is it going to be enough?  We all live in wait first for O and then the dreaded tww.  One can never get used to BFN's no matter how many times you get it.  Infertility is the kind of hell I would not wish on anyone.  I can only hope that the struggle will be over for you and your dh.  
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you on Tuesday!