donor egg confused

[weezer123]

i'm struggling with whether to go donor egg/embryo or not. we have one child (ivf at 40) and want a silbing. congrats to those of you with successful donor egg pregnancies! are you planning on revealing that to your child later on or keeping it to yourselves? i have to admit i struggle with the not-related- to-me thing. any words of wisdom? thanks in advance!

[weezer123]

thanks for your comments Yvette and Leatha. Your posts are really helpful. congratulations to both of you on your pregnancies! now, do i try ivf with my old eggs or go straight for the DE/FE? hmmm....tough decision. but it sounds as though my success rate would be considerably higher with someone else's egg! thanks for the food for thought and for helping me to "normalize" all of this. madeleine

[Leatha]

I'm currently in a tww (actually I go for my beta tomorrow!) and I used donor eggs for this IVF cycle.  It's a really tough decision and it took me a long time before I accepted the fact that my eggs were just not cutting it.  I still wanted more children.  I have one biological child with my husband and this child will be his biologically but mine 100% just the same.  This child will be legally ours lock stock and barrell.  

I agree with Yvette, it crosses my mind occassionally that this child won't be genetically related to me but if someone put a newborn child in my arms and said here please adopt this child I know I would love that child like my own.  We all love each child differently anyways but each one is loved, egg donation is no different.  I look at little Noah and feel....how could anyone not love him, he is adorable. (he's perfect Jen).

My husband said to me....."you will have this child growing inside of you, your blood will be sustaining him or her, you will be breastfeeding, this child will be YOURS"

As far as telling the child, at first we planned on saying nothing then we talked with some people and came around on that issue.  We will tell our children the events surrounding their birth at some time.  It was suggested to me to do it in a "low key" way, don't make a big drama about it. You could do it when they ask where babies come from and just put it out there, not it detail but just enough to let them know that basic facts. Then add to it as they ask more questions.

With that being said we have not announced to the world that this child was concieved with the use of donor eggs.  To us that is a private matter to be discussed with our children first and foremost then later with others. I plan on being the one to tell my children their genetic origins not the neighbour down the street or old Uncle Joe one evening at a family dinner.  

I hope this helps,
Leatha

[YvetteY]

Hi....I started TTC conceive when I was 40 but then I kept having miscarriage after miscarriage.  By the time the 5th miscarriage happened I was 41 1/2.  We decided to go the donor egg route...for a # of reasons.  

1) better chance of success and take home baby
2) i just wanted a baby at that point.  
3) i knew that if someone handed me a baby and said this baby is yours, I would have no problem getting attached.
4)  I was just getting tired of the disappointment after disappointment.  I got tired of being on the emotional rollercoaster that is associated with TTC, getting pregnant and wondering if it would stick.
5) At the age of 41 1/2 I knew time wasnt' on my side and it was obvious since I kept miscarrying.  I was just fighting mother nature.
6) I wasn't crazy of the risk of having a child with DS.  It was getting to be one in 60.
7) This is a stupid reason, but we got to pick our donor and it was nice to know that she had some better genes than me!  LOL!   She was taller.   I have two boys and even though their dad is 5'10" , they didn't quite make it to that height.  They aren't very happy about it either.  One son is 19 and the other is 13.  I know the 13 year old is still growing, but he's probably small for his age....who knows...maybe he'll make it to 5'10".  I'm only 5'0".   Our donor is 5'4".

As for telling the child..Yes I plan on telling him/her.  Problem is I just can't figure out how to tell.  But I figure if I don't tell  the truth would find it's way out,  maybe be the child would be upset that I kept something from them.  Does that make sense???  In this day and age, I dont' know that it's going to be something so unusual in the future.  

I am disappointed that I won't see a child that is a combo between my DH and me.   But that's feeling comes and goes and it's not that bad.    I am currently pregnant and I feel just as maternal now about this baby as I did with the pregnancies I had with my biological children.  It does come in and out of my head that this child isn't genetically linked to me, but I feel that I'm growing this baby in body and nourishing it and giving it life.  How could I not be its mother?  It's just the genes that are different and that's nothing that I can see or even touch.  Our ED has similar features to me so the only difference would be that this baby will probably have brown eyes VS my green eyes.  And for what it's worth my two other children look nothing like me.   I'd question if they were even mine except they look like their fathers.

[weezer123]

thanks for your response Jen! that makes so much sense- getting books for him when he's older. i worry about that stuff and if the child will feel different or "less" than our first (if it were to work even) who is genetically related. i'm warming to the frozen embryo idea as it's more cost effective and already out there. do you know if it's less effective than fresh? congrats on no-no. he sure is a cutie! madeleine

[40smama]

I understand the struggle to undergo a donor cycle or not as I did one a year ago (or almost two years ago) and gave birth to a healthy, active baby boy last April.  I do plan on telling him his origins.  In fact, I bought three books about his "special" origins to read to him when he gets older off of Amazon.  They're three wonderful books w/lots of beautiful artwork as well as wise words to help a child understand these special circumstances.  Please pm me anytime if you have any questions and i wish you all of the best - jen