Should I say this to DH before IVF...

[usuk]

Ladies this is awful. But I met DH in 2000 and we lived together for 6 years before getting married. I never was the kind of girl to demand a wedding ring but now I wish I had. We could have 2-3 kids by now. And instead I have to get IVF which is so risky and invasive and puts all the pressure, pain, fear, surgery's and pumps more hormones in me. After 3 MCs and like 6-8 IUIs and literally dozens of people looking at my bits and pieces across 3 states I am pissed off. I am so ashamed but when the Dr tells you that age is a factor and I told him all along we may have pushed it, how am I supposed to shrug off these feelings of "missed chances". I love him but why do I have to endure the hurt, the pain and the "biological blame" when I was raising the red flag years ago. Please don't agree with me just because I am in a bad mood. Tell me what you think. It's not PMS because I am CD7 :)

[usuk]

Everything you said is bang on. And the next generation of ladies needs to know this stuff.

My dad asked why insurance is not covering this or that and I said, because I do not have a "wee-wee" like you dad. If I did and it was broken, it would be covered.

Thanks to you and the others on this journey :)

[IM43]

And as for the pill.  My stepsister was on the pill for 7 years then went off it to TTC with her husband.  Her periods were not resuming and after about 6 months she went to the Doc.  They did some blood work and found that her prolactin level was elevated (which is the same hormone that elevates when one is breastfeading).  They did an MRI and found she had a tumor on her pituitary gland which was causing the problem.  When discussed with the endocrin specialist, he told her that birth control pills can cause this type of tumor!!!  Why are we never told about that?!!  I do get a little angry ant the medical community and insurance companies.  If men have a little trouble getting or maintaining an erection, they are all over it with tests and meds and insurance pays!  If we women have trouble conceiving a baby, for whatever reason at whatever age, insurance 90% of the time will not cover infertility treatments!

You are lucky that your Aunt told you at 32 that you had better not wait too long, but the sad thing is that your Aunt probably didn't even know how grim the odds are in your late 30's and early 40's, because we are never taught this information!  This is why when you had the birth control failure, you freaked out!  Because we are never really taught exactly how our bodies work every month.  We are taught about periods, std's and how babies are made when sperm meets egg.  We aren't taught about follicular phases and luteal phases.  Maybe if girls were taught this information, we also wouldn't have had to deal with the surprise of AF showing up unexpectedly.  Girls would know by education and paying attention to their bodies, when to expect AF.  Until I started TTC at 43, I never knew that the follicular phase was fluid and an egg can be released early or late, but that the luteal phase was pretty much set!!  Did any of you know this?  Did any of you know at a young age what the significance of CM was?

All I can say is that if I am blessed with a daughter (or even a son for that matter), I will make sure they are well educated about female reproductivity.  I have a 12 year old neice who I discuss these things with and not only is she extremely interested (though acts a bit embarrassed sometimes), she has actually started asking ME questions and told me I'm the only one she can ask.

So ladies!!  Help your young ladies, whether neices or daughters, understand what we were never taught.

Thanks so much for listening :-) and Usik... I truly wish you the best of luck and try not to be too mad at him, as uninformed as we are, imagine how men truly haven't a clue!  

[MiracleOfLife]

OMG, you did go through a lot together!
Let's just hope your first IVF works and later on you won't remember how "rocky" it was and will just enjoy your little baby!

[10_07]

I agree whole heartedly with im43.... changing the "you" to "I" in any argument is always smart and makes people less defensive, and thus more likely to actively listen. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I also agree that you should have this conversation when you are calm and are more likely to stick to the facts rather than let your emotions take over the conversation- not that it isnt an emotional subject, but men tend to tune us out when we are not clear and concise with our thoughts. Hang in there and best of luck with your ivf!

[usuk]

I will have the "we" talk again. I think he knows. But you know we fell in love and moved in together right away. Then 6 weeks after we got our first place 9/11 happened and we lived about 2 blocks away. We freaked out. And kind of did that "trauma bonding" thing were we stuck together like glue for fear of loosing each other. We had to fall in love all over - years later after seeing suicide jumpers that day, seeing coffins being loaded up daily from our window, than at work we had layoffs and pay cuts and we worked like 60 hours a week. Then our dog had to be put to sleep. We did not have a honeymoon even when we were dating. And I think he remembers it was "rocky" and all I remember was all my friends asking where is the "rock"? Thank you so much.

[usuk]

You have no idea what a good point you raised. I waited more than all but one of my catholic school friends to have sex. I was on the pill for 5 years. Only one Aunt ever told me at age 32 or so that I should not wait past 35. And back in 2001 we had a "birth control" failure and I freaked out. I even got Plan B even though I was not mid cycle. And he did say that all my "vibes" that I gave off were that I was terrified of having a baby. You are right that we need a public service campaign about this. Also about miscarriage which everyone sweeps under the rug. Thank you so much.

[MiracleOfLife]

I think you should tell him, because these are your real feelings, your pain... But I think you should use the word WE throughout the conversation... WE waited too long, WE could have had a couple of kids by now. I wouldn't say things like "Now I have to go through all the pain" because even if he wanted, he couldn't trade places with you... and I am sure he is smart enough to realize that all the IVF stuff is no fun and probably could have been avoided. Just make him understand that you are both responsible for this situation but you wish you had taken matters in your own hands. I think that would be enough to satisfy your desire to tell him and at the same time won't get him too upset... Good luck!!

[IM43]

This is a big problem for many women and we are never really told ourselves in a blunt way, that waiting for DH or DB to get off the fence could have life changing ramifications!  I am a bit angry about this myself, but will explain in another post.  I think you should absolutely tell him how you feel in a very CLEAR way, not the way we women usually do with side comments and jabs.  Remember though, wording is everything!  You can tell him how you feel in a different way.  Tell him how angry you are about YOUR part in this.  In other words, tell him how angry you are that YOU allowed him to wait so long, which is now causing problems that may or may not be fixable.  Tell him that you didn't want to push him into marriage, but now realize that by sticking around waiting for him (instead of forcing him) to marry you in his sweet time, you have possibly altered the course of your life in a way that you were not prepared to deal with the consequences.  Explain to him that you feel extremely angry with him, but at the same time realizing that it is your own fault and the only one truly to blame is yourself.  That you made the choice not to leave after a couple of years and find a more willing partner.  If you state it in this way, he will feel guilty and ashamed as opposed to being able to be angry with you for saying such things to him.  Hence, avoiding world war three (which may waste more time) and keeping him focused on the task at hand.  Just thinking it may be healthier for your relationship than making him feel like you're blaming him.  Give it a try!

I truly wish you all the luck in the world with your IVF and a BFP!

I somewhat blame society and the medical community, because I have to say that until I started TTC at 43 years old, I NEVER realized that the chances were nearly zero!  I never realized that fertility specialists would not even want to do IVF with my own eggs because of my age.  I think it is so pounded into our heads from such a young age of "don't do it, you'll get pregnant", "you must use birth control", etc, but as we start to age nobody is there saying "if you plan on ever having kids, you better make some decisions because if you wait even 5 more years, it may be impossible".  Why is nobody telling us that?

I started dating my DB in January of last year, went to the GYN in February for my yearly.  She asked me if I was sexually active and I said "yes", the first words our of her mouth were "you're not on birth control"!  I told her I don't really feel I need it, my chances are probably pretty low at my age and her reply was that I was playing with fire!  Then I had a 3 day FSH done 5 months ago, she called me with the results and asked why I had it done.  I told her that I wanted to try and get pregnanta, she said I had virtually zero chance using my own eggs.  She said, IF you ovulate and a sperm fertilizes the egg, chances are it won't implant and IF it implants, chances are you will misscarry!  Lovely!!!  Back in February (I was still 42), instead of reprimanding me for not using birth control, she should have told me that if I wanted to have a child (never having had one), that I had better not wait a minute more or it will probably be too late if it wasn't already!

Anyway, I thank you for your post and sorry to go on and on, but I do feel your pain.  I think our society needs to stop giving women the impression that we have all the time in the world and being an older mom is okay and start telling us the TRUTH!!  Biology is biology!!  Get busy ladies and don't wait until you are late 30's and 40's!!

Good luck to you!!

[naturschld]

I don't know what to say about telling him before your IVF, but I have a feeling its going to come out sooner or later.  It might make you feel better to explain how you feel about everything (maybe sometime when you're both relaxed instead of when you're upset) cause its probably going to gnaw away at you until you do.  He'll hopefully understand why you're upset about everything.  I don't know if you feel this way; but in the back of your mind there's the thought that if something happens between you; the guy can always go find someone else and have kids with them, and you can't (and that maybe deep down they think this too, which would really irritate a person).  That's how I feel sometimes.    He dilly dallies around and you end up paying for it.  Its not fair, is it?  Well, I wish you all the best and that it all works out in the end.   Try to keep your spirits up and your blood pressure down!  :)  Good luck and extra helpings of SSBD!