Miss being pregnant and have the baby aches

[maybebaby29]

Not really a question, just more of a post. I was on these boards in 2008 with clomid + trigger + IUI. I was very lucky it worked the second time around. Now it's going to be two years since we had our son and I'm dying to have another baby. I'm 38, coudln't get pregnant naturally, and we really wanted two children. BUT since the birth of our son the marriage took a huge slide downhill. While I know it's selfish of me, it's really emotionally killing me feeling like I'm waisting my time and I'm doing a diservice to our son. I was an only child and it was horrible/lonley.

I wanted a child three years earlier than we tried but husband made me wait (i.e. ignored the issue). So I wasted three years. Now I'm 38, already went through fertility treatments once, doc said do it again if you want to have another. And I do. But with a rocky marriage, I just feel that I'm being a jerk about it. But I also know that staying in a rocky marriage is wasting time. Leaving now just feels like a big stamp of "forget having another kid" because by the time the divorce is over, by the time you are emotionally set, by the time you find someone, by the time you are in love, by the time you are married and on the same page about having a baby my time will be up.

I know I have one and I "should be grateful" and trust me, I literally well up with tears every time I'm holding him because I'm shocked, grateful, and beyond words in love with him but still...I feel incredibly sad about everything with the situation. I am in a constant worry that this is it and if I ever lost him---my life would be totally, totally over.

I wish I knew what was right.

[maybebaby29]

The marriage was always up and down from the day we met/married and before we had our son. But honestly, the day I brought him home it was like a lightbulb going off where I was like "OMG this relationship is a mess, it's not right, he's not right. I need to get out". It was like a panic mission. Obviously I had really, really bad post partum anxiety. We fought nearly every day and definately every week for about 7 months. It didn't help we were first time parents with a semi-ill child (I only say semi since it wasn't a long-term serious illness. Just RSV at 6 weeks and he did almost die). Lack of sleep, tons of colic, it was a huge mess for us. And things fell apart.

After a year handling our son was improved. He was better, colic gone, RSV risk still there but we know how to manage it. But it's not to say we still don't fight. That's the problem.

I know this sounds horrible but I think the reason why I want another child for our son is I HATED being an only child. I was so lonely. Not many friends. Super shy. Now that I'm an adult with ailing parents--one who is terminal--I feel alone again. I have zero family after they're gone. I only have my son (since marriage is questionable). And not saying I'm one of those "don't leave me son" parents because I fully realize he's his own person and encourage that. But when he's older and me and my husband die, I worry if he feels this great loss of family sense. We're not super close with my husband's family, etc.

I know a sibling doesn't guarantee a close relationship but it's kind of nice to know that a sibling is existing to know that if things patch up they are there.

I don't know. It's complicated. We always agreed on two children and my husband does want two. But he's doubtful that we should have one with our issues. I'm not disagreeing. Its this damn f'ing time limit. I'm 38 now and we needed clomid + IUI + trigger. Not sure if it will be successful the second time around. I just feel thsi need to try. At the very least if I exhausted all treatment and nothing happend I can say it wasn't meant to be and move on. But this feeling that "maybe" is still there but it's all hanging on this marrage + age kills me.

I know I"m talking stupid here and not everyone agrees. I know it is beyond selfish to say I want a child with a marriage that is in flux. And no, I don't lie, mess around with sneaky plans to have it happen (not taking birth control, etc).

But I feel an enormous amount of (self induced) pressure to either figure out/fix this marriage or leave because I"m wasting time.

[tabithac3]

I think if you can show this child you are wanting the same love, care and concern as you have your son with or without the father then go ahead. If you can provide for them then why do you need the father around. My mother was a single parent of three and a very strong women. We had all the love we could get. I know a "perfect" family is suppose to have two parents, but I think its not always perfect with both anyway. I dont think its selfish a long as your doing it for the rite reasons..

[mlb1234]

Oh I can really sympathize with you but I am wondering from a logistical standpoint how will you undergo fertility treatments if your husband isn't cooperative?  Is a baby even a remote possibility with the marriage on shaky ground?  
I also have a 2y old daughter (2y3m, we must have been prego together last time) and I know how hard it is.  We are also trying to have another right now and are pressured against the baby clock (I am 40y).  I have gone back and forth about the only child thing but in the end there are positives about both scenarios.  It is ultimately up to you what kind of life you give your son.  
I second the counseling advice  - you need to stabilize the marriage before adding additional stress whether that be fertility treatments or a newborn.  Having a baby is tough but having a baby with a toddler in the house is even tougher.  Going through IF treatments, then having a baby with a toddler in the house and going through a divorce - I can't even imagine.  
Hugs.

[pol79princess]

I hate to sound so nosy... but was it the birth of your son that has created those issues, or were the issues there already? Did you talk to your husband about it?

I know this conversation is going in a different direction than it started at :) but a good friend of mine is getting divorced from this wife right now. They are both young (late 20s) and have two children. My friend says that it was definitely the birth of their first daughter that caused the marriage to go downhill... When he was ready to tell her he wanted a divorce, she announced that she was pregnant again. He sucked it up and finally left when the little boy was 6 months old and the girl 4. It's really a mess right now... Long story short, it seems that she purposely got pregnant at that time, knowing their marriage was almost over, because she really badly wanted another child. I guess she wanted both of her kids to be by the same father? She got off BCP without telling him (or so he says) and... well, you see how it went.

Sorry, I know it's all depressing :) but I don't think you are doing any disservice to your son. I know plenty of only children who have grown up to be wonderful adults! Hope it all works out for you!

[kris71]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. marriages are really tough and believe me, my husband and I usually have a few good months and then a rocky week where i think, is this worth it? I think the infertility issue is taxing on any relationship as well. Having to go for treatments and timing sex and sperm samples etc.I then think of our son and think it is worth it to at least try to stay together. Can you guys go to counseling?  Can you talk to your husband about how you feel at all? i know it's tough, i try to talk to my husband sometimes and I feel like it's in one ear and out the other.  anyway - good luck and I hope everything turns out ok no matter what you decide.

[usuk]

If you are having another to give your son a sibling, and not to save your marriage, that is a good thing. I am sorry about your marriage. Only you know what you will or will not regret about your family's future.