Trying to find help for myself..

[megancannon]

I am 22 years old and over the past few years, I have dealt with a lot of pain and loss.

I delivered my first baby on October 10th, 2008. I had a normal pregnancy up until I went into pre-term labor while lying on the couch. After being hospitalized for days, my water broke and my son, Byron, was born. He died later that same day. I was 20 years old at the time. My husband and I were in a state of shock. I just couldn't believe something so awful had happened to me and I felt like I was going crazy. I was always paranoid something bad was going to happen. I used to bring his urn upstairs at night and leave it by my bed side, otherwise I couldn't sleep because I was terrified something would happen to "him" I finally told my husband not to let me do this no matter what because it just seemed crazy. I got over doing this. It took me a long time, what felt like forever, to be ok. almost 8 months later, I got pregnant again. I miscarried at 5 weeks. I was disappointed but I handled it well. I think it was only because losing my son was so much worse and I knew if I could handle that, I could handle anything. My husband and I decided to try again and I got pregnant for a 3rd time shortly after my miscarriage. My 3rd pregnancy was so much different than the others. I was now considered high risk and was seen by a maternal fetal specialist once a week for ultrasounds and once every 2 weeks by a high risk doctor. Seeing our daughter every week, watching her grow, yawn, suck her thumb etc just made me bond so quickly. Everything seemed to be going perfectly and then again, I went into pre-term labor. Only 9 hours after being admitted into L&D the doctors told me I had to push. My daughters brain hemorrhaged and she died before I even got to see her. We named her Isabella, she was pronounced dead at 2:07am on December 6th, 2009.

Having this happen to me once was so hard to handle. But having it happen twice was just.. unbelievable. Even though it's been over a year since my last loss, I still have a lot of days when I am walking around with a lump in my throat, holding back tears. I hear a song, or see a baby and I feel like crying. I feel like I may have post-traumatic stress disorder or something. I am just too afraid to ask for help. My health insurance company is amazing and I know if I ask my doctor to find me a therapist she will I just can't bring myself to do it.

Has anyone else gone through anything like this? if so, did you seek professional help and did it actually help you feel better?

[29sillygirl]

So sorry for your losses.  Use that insurance benefit to get yourself to a therapist as soon as you can.

Mammo knows what loss of this sort is.  Use her and any of us here as support.  It is like a 24/7 therapy group.

I have just been thru' the worst holiday of my life, grieving the death of my son, Brooks, who was murdered by his father in March.  I was able to see a couselor for no charge @ M.D. Anderson, as I am an anal cancer survivor and see doctor there.

She was great.  Said the most severe loss is that of child or spouse.  Time does help.
But as you mentioned ...the slightest thing can bring you to tears.  

With me, Saturdays (the night he was shot) are getting easier.  I used to wake shaking, then cry for most of day.  His ashes are on my console in a small heart.

He had wrapped a Christmas present for me years back and a friend found and brought it to me.  Priceless to see his handwriting and the picture of his nana and granddad.  It was one I had never seen.  

We are a non traditional family...so his wrapping the gift ..then not getting it to me on time is fairly typical.  At first I cried...now I giggle when I think of his big hands laboring over the wrapping and how he found this great picture ...just like him.

Best love to you.  Get all the help your insurance will cover.  I imagine your husband might need to go too.  

[mammo]

There are no words to ease the pain of losing a child!  My heart aches for you, you've been thru the worst of the worst!  I lost my son an his son, my precious grandson, and it devestated me, so I understand.  You DO need professional help, some things are
just too big to handle on our own.  There is so much pain, anger and whys, and you need to seek help with all of this!  Don't ever feel bad for any way that you mourn, whatever comforts you is what you need to do.  PLEASE don't be afraid to ask for help, if anyone needs it...you do!  These losses are too much, your heart is broken. I know it gets crazy trying to figure out why, and trying to make sense of it all.  I can tell you that it gets easier with time, I don't know how, just that it does.  But twenty years from now, there will still be times where you will feel like it was just yesterday that it all happened, and that's okay. God Bless you and your babies, big hugs to you sweetie, and do get help.  I wish you all the best, and take care of YOU.